Common Ways We Excuse Toxic Behavior
"Even with all the knowledge we have today, victims still struggle to find support when they try to escape an unhealthy or abusive relationship. This can start internally by excusing behaviors or grappling with the ability to recognize abuse. This reaction is common for survivors of family trauma, who were conditioned to believe that maltreatment is normal, or members of some cultures and faiths that do not recognize actions as being abusive.
Common ways that victims are conditioned to excuse unhealthy behavior:
Intellectualizing: They explain away the behavior using logic instead of understanding that harmful behavior is harmful, no matter the reason for it. Some excuses might be: “They had a bad day” or “They’re going through a lot.” Survivors stuck in relationships with abusers who are unable to act rationally end up projecting that rationality and empathy onto their partners, undeserved. They forgive the bad times with phrases like: “They’ll stop,” “It won’t get that bad,” “She's just mad,” and “Nobody could be this cruel.”
Being desensitized: They diminish their emotional reaction to abuse or violence. This is often seen in people who grew up in homes with domestic violence: “It wasn’t so bad” or “Other people had it worse.”
Denying: They invent ways to deny the reality of their abuse. “It wasn’t like that, I’m remembering it wrong” or “He wasn’t angry, he was just tired.”
Accepting: They accept their position as an inevitable lot in life, due to pressures from society, culture, faith, or other sources. They explain the abuse as “my role,” and may say things like, “We all have our burden to bear.”
Bargaining: They try to reason or bargain with their abuser to convince them to stop instead of leaving. “Maybe if I try to do better about making sure the house is clean, they won’t be so stressed when they get home."
Self-blame: They convince themselves they are the cause of their own abuse. They may tell themselves or others the abuse would stop; for example, “If only I didn’t make them angry.”
If you find yourself using any of these methods or others to excuse abusive behavior, you can take steps to stop these thoughts. Here are some tips:
- Remind yourself that what happened is not your fault.
- Ask yourself, “What would I tell a friend if they were experiencing the same behavior?
- Get ahead of it."
Read the full article on Psychology Today
✨Takeaway: Despite increased awareness, victims still struggle to find support when leaving an unhealthy or abusive relationship. It is important to remind yourself that abuse is never your fault, and seek support from friends or professionals.
✨Reflection: What are some healthy ways to support a friend or loved one who is experiencing an unhealthy or abusive relationship?
#Relationship #Toxic #Behavior #Unhealthy
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my boyfriend has had a tough past and has scars from that so i’m pretty sure that that’s his reason for behaving the way he does, which in my eyes is toxic and unhealthy but as he explains it, it isn’t. i’m not sure what i can do, i love him and overall he really tries hard to be a good boyfriend and he really just wants love and i want to give that to him, but that does mean putting up with his behavior that i consider toxic sometimes, but he isn’t willing to recognize that it is because he believes i’m the one who’s doing stuff wrong. does anyone have advice on how i can approach this?
@uwurai
@pandanfe
@innateJoy9602
Hi Uwurai! 😊 ❤️ I'm so very happy that you found this post! I'm also so very sorry, that you are having to deal with toxic behaviors from someone that you care about and deeply. I know first hand how difficult this can be and I send you big *hugs* ❤️.
I think you bring up a great point and I kind of feel as if this is what @pandanfe was alluding to as well when they said "If I know their story" it makes it much harder. That comment certainly did "hit me right where I live" and I thought their comment was truly brilliant, most insightful! *high fives* 😊 and big *hugs* ❤️ for @pandanfe as well! ❤️
I wonder if what you and I have experienced goes in to the category of "Intellectualizing" that @innateJoy9602 so kindly taught us of in the original post. "They're going through a lot" as an excuse made for them directly equates for me as "they've been through a lot" as well as having knowledge of their "story".
It sounds as if from what your boyfriend has shared with you that he feels as if, he has been through a great deal. I am sorry to hear that. I wish none of us would have to suffer. I think you are being most kind to have empathy for him. ❤️
Many times when people exhibit toxic behaviors and treat us badly, it is because of trauma in their past. Something has gone wrong, they have suffered greatly and their behaviors are maladaptive in turn. Many of us in life have our own "crosses to bear" and some of them are made of steel and are crawling with fire ants.
I find it unfortunate when someone who has suffered greatly, turns that into suffering for another. They can tell us their story, have the expectations of us having pity (and yes, I'm using that word and very intentionally right now) for them while turning right around and doing the very same things to us that was done to them, but simply in a different form. We have empathy for them while they have none for us.
So, must someone suffer in silence because what was done to them, seems to be a great deal more egregious than what they are currently doing to us or even our own stories? Must we suffer for the sins of another, something that never had anything to do with us anyway?
In addition, we weren't there when it happened nor did we contribute to it. How much of it has been inflated, puffed up to fill their own personal narrative? How much of what it is they say is real as seemingly, when dealing with us, they don't have a firm grasp on reality when we are being blamed for doing nothing wrong.
I have to wonder if because we as people are capable of so much love, empathy and compassion that we help them to create that "score board" so to speak? For me, that ties in directly to what @innateJoy9602 shared with us in the original post with me simply using an analogy.
I'm hoping you can find some comfort in this post. I'm hoping through the entire thread, you may find things to consider that might apply to your situation. I'm hoping this will let you know that you are not alone. ❤️
*high fives* 😊 big *hugs*❤️ and I hope things will get better for you, my friend!
thank you for your response! i hope that you’re doing alright since you’ve had a similar experience. i believe that when someone is behaving in a toxic manner but has their heart in the right place, there’s no need to give up on them just because of the toxic behavior, and it’s worth it to instead help the person if possible and give them what they need, unless their toxic behavior is very harmful to yourself. toxicity is not always a reason to break up if someone is willing to work on themselves, but if not then nothing will change.
@SparkyGizmo
Thank you for the response. I hear you and most certainty you're right. Just because someone's suffering of the past trauma doesn't necessarily mean one got the license to trouble people. Normally, when I'm upset, I try not to ache another. So when someone's bothered, I prefer them not to hurt me as well. However, this isn't the case always. And I let them harm me, either it be by not replying to them shouting at me or sth like this. I've even let someone downgrade me by not reacting to the thing one have said about me that ain't true because I always thought they were trying to fight against their insecurities. I've overcome the phrase and now I don't let anyone degrade me at all cause I find it toxic. However, I still have to overcome the phrase where I just let go of other stuffs like someone shouting at me, or canceling plans, or ghosting on me or sth like that.
@pandanfe
❤️❤️❤️
@uwurai honestly various types of confrontation to correct bad behavior is the only path that leads to change.
I got approved for a line of credit and discovered company lived up to their bad reviews. They were demanding I send very personal financial info in an insecure fashion (i.e. driver's license, Social Security) to prove my identity. They wanted me to email or snail mail and I was absolutely not. I was incensed opened a regulatory complaint and thought well this obviously is where we part ways.
It wasn't!! They continued to set up my account and gave me access to their website where I COULD securely upload the information!!
So this is actually going through, will be ready soon; I am still their customer and things are now getting better!
Over and over and over path of APPROPRIATE confrontation invariably improves everything!
I am terminally ill and there is a long long list of people who have abused and robbed me. I could write my own ticket be miserable to everyone blame it all on the above no one would say a word.
I instead choose to behave well. I want to be remembered for my contributions not my trauma, so I am living accordingly.
I hope this helped!!
@uwurai
I think your love and willingness to try to understand him is commendable. But, it is equally important that you feel you are in safe and healthy environment. <3
While I can't give advice, I think every relationship needs open and honest conversations as a starting point. I hope you two can create a space that helps you feel safe, respected, and supported.
We are here for you <3 💜🫂
aww, thank you!🥰