Disabilities and Romantic Relationships: A Discussion

@KateDoskocilova

1. If you are a disabled person, what tips would you give to someone who wants to get in a relationship with someone who is disabled?

   
   

   Both my current partner and I are disabled to some extent, although I don't particularly use that word, because they aren't like super bad. He's dyslexic, and I have what's finally called a physical disability by my doctors, affecting the way I walk and how long I can walk for. We are also both neurodivergent. My physical disability affects my tendons and the size of my feet, so they are way to small for my size, they haven't grown since I was about 5, and my arches are very high so I waddle and walk weird.. Since we met at a dance, he noticed how small my feet were, because I wasn't wearing my shoes I usually wear, that are 2 sizes too big. He handled it perfectly, by not bringing it up. He let me bring it up when I was ready to talk about it. I'm very embarrassed about it, and the worst thing someone can do in my opinion is be like "oh why do you walk weird" or "oh why are your feet so small". If I know them and trust them, then it's funny. But that night we were talking and I thanked him for not saying anything and he said "I noticed, but I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to upset you, or make you awkward. I also didn't want you to believe I had a fetish". Since he handled it this way, I was able to be a lot more open about this fact, and I pretty much told him everything. And he's really supportive. So I guess my advice to someone dating a disabled person would be : give them the safe space to talk about it, but don't put them on the spot by bringing it up, especially early on. And help them, without having to have them ask or making it obvious. We were recently at the mall and we were looking at I forget what but we were looking at something and I noticed he was struggling to read it, and I'm a speedreader so I was already done. (I typically can read something 2 to 3 times before the average person finishes it) and without saying or hesitating, I just started reading it out loud. He looked very grateful and relieved, and he wasn't embarrassed because I didn't make it obvious, I acted like I just always do that. 

   
   

   Look at me going on a rant for a simple question xD anyway I hope this helped 

Hey there!

I totally agree with Kate's points about the challenges faced by disabled individuals in the dating scene. It's a topic that needs more attention and understanding.

Accessibility is a big issue for disabled individuals when it comes to dating. It's frustrating that many places aren't designed with their needs in mind. We need to make sure that everyone can enjoy social activities, including going on dates, without any barriers. It's about time we prioritize creating accessible spaces that welcome everyone.

Ableism and stereotypes also play a huge role in shaping the dating experiences of disabled individuals. People often have misconceptions and might not fully understand the complexities of disabilities. It's important for us to challenge these stereotypes and approach dating with empathy and an open mind. We should celebrate the unique qualities that disabled individuals bring to a relationship.

Self-esteem is a big deal, too. The way society treats disabled individuals can really mess with their confidence. We need to create an environment where everyone feels accepted, valued, and confident in pursuing meaningful connections.

When it comes to disclosing a disability, it's a personal decision. Disabled individuals should feel comfortable sharing their experiences when they're ready. It's all about fostering a safe and understanding space where they can be open and authentic because trust and understanding are key in building strong relationships.

For disabled individuals looking to date, it's important to communicate openly and set boundaries. Remember, your disability doesn't define you, and you have so much to offer. Potential partners should approach the relationship with patience, empathy, and a willingness to learn. We can surely build connections based on trust and understanding if we listen, valid their experiences, and offer support. 

Let us keep this conversation going with a friendly and compassionate approach. If anyone has personal experiences or additional insights, I'd love to hear them. Take care, everyone! 😊💗

~ Xaverie

Questions related to the discussion:

1. Have you ever dated a disabled person? 

   My current partner is disabled and I guess I am too? I never thought I was, but I'm experiencing constant physical pain from past traumas that never went away and need a possible body scan for it, and I just found out that depression and PTSD are considered disabilities... I didn't know my mental condition was considered a disability and I thought my physical pain was...normal to have daily but most people shouldn't have pain constantly. 

   I was a fairly healthy person, always working out, but now it's hard for me to lift anymore and it makes me sad... I loved lifting weights and haven't been able to do that hobby anymore.

   • If yes, how has it affected the relationship between the two of you?

   Hmm... We both have depression and PTSD due to childhood trauma and other stuff that's happened in adult life so I feel like with these particular disabilities, it helps us both understand each other better.

   So anytime he feels down or is struggling mentally, I just try to be there to listen. If he doesn't want to talk about it, I help distract those thoughts by gaming with him or watching videos together.

   For me, when I'm feeling really down, I like it when he cuddles with me, let's me vent, gives advice, and just gaming or watching videos with him too.

   Sometimes, we have not sort of shut down and needed complete space from one another. For me, I'm just upset with myself based on life stuff going on. My partner is similar, he says he gets mad at himself, not really at people.

2. If you are a disabled person, what tips would you give to someone who wants to get in a relationship with someone who is disabled?

   Every disabled person is different and handles their disabilities differently (whether it's physically or mentally). The only tips I have really is to treat them like everyone else. Some people don't want to be treated as "just" their disability. We're more than that. I don't like pity, but I do appreciate understanding and empathy. If you have questions about our disability and we've been together for a while, please don't hesitate to ask.

   I ask my partner what I can do to support him, and I try different methods to make him feel better. Everyone sort of processes things differently.

   
   

   Also, just wanted to say -- don't feel obligated or trapped to be with certain disabled people. For example, my mother is also severely depressed and has bad anxiety with a myriad of health issues, but she physically & mentally abused me as well as SA me growing up... I do not feel her disability is an excuse to hurt me, because I don't hurt others disguised behind my disability.

1. If you are a disabled person, what tips would you give to someone who wants to get in a relationship with someone who is disabled?

   Communicate! It's helpful for relationships in general, but I find my health issues add in extra challenges and stress, so communicating can help us manage that.

   We also address my illnesses as the problem, not me as the problem. If as an example my fatigue is too high to do something it's not me that's preventing us from doing whatever it was - it's the fatigue. This allows me to discuss my health issues with minimizing feeling like a burden (which can still be problematic at times) and it allows my husband  to talk about feeling upset or frustrated without putting blame onto me.