breakup, depressed and suicidal

I'm 22 I was going out with a guy, but we doesnt have any relationship status at all.

We met on November when he was doing a quick trip over my city.

IHe was very interested with me. Even in January he did a one week trip solely to see me. Let's say we are sleeping together, and I thought in my mind that everything was going so well. He even says that he cared so much for me.
We called everyday and facetime when he is back in his city.

He is older by 5 years, their family owns a textile factory, financially very stable, and he is a family loving man. He was a guy on my dream but on February he suddenly says he got no interest with me.

But he still in contact with me, still the same phone call but he no longer sweet and caring like he used to before, he become harsh and become more insulting. But I still keep cling on him hoping that he realize that I'm still for him.

On March I managed to have a freelance job in his city, I rent an apartement. But he takes no effort like he used to before, he sometimes comes over after work or gym together or even stays in the night. Sleeping over.

We even took road trip together, all of it was heavenly. Happy moments.

Fast forward on June, its been 6 months.
Early june I asked him what about we gonna end up? He said he is gonna answer me at the end of June.

End of June, I muster my courage.
I was anxious for the whole month....
While we are still in my room on the bed just done having sex.

Apparently he forgot about what he said, and he says he is not ready.
I was crying bawling my eyes out. I ask him
Do you want me to leave?

He said It's better for you to leave with me there's no end of this.
Nobody ask you to stay too.

I was crying, he hugs me.
I ask him whats wrong with me

He said I'm hollow, weird he said I am an incomplete woman.

somehow his word kinda make sense because in this age I still havent scored stable job. And i dont have any sense or goals in life.

Then after that he leaves my place.
He left me crying on the sofa

I return to my hometown for about 20 days during that
I thought Im resolving myself no longer with him.

But 4 days I can't bear myself I mssg him,
And he replied me like nothing happens and he called me the nickname he usually called me. Eveything repeating again all video calls and facetime every single night.

I failed.

Its just this two weeks i return to this city, hoping to meet him again. Ofc we meet up at my place after work, sleep together and have dinner. Spending saturday together.Yes this saturday. Everything was good, nice dinner and nice sex for whole nights.
We even planned out things together for next week activity.
Even tough im the one who made all the efforts... Like asking him to come over
Planning and etc i was happy.

Tuesday he still called me saying that his father is stick
But this wednesday, he suddenly didn't contact me at all and what I receive is a message that His father passed away (terminal illness) and that's it.

No contact again until today.
I was crying inside my room feeling helpless.
That someone I loved just lost someone dearly and I cant do anything to help him.

Because I doesn't know any of his friend or family member even though i knew him for almost 8 months together.

Suddenly in my mind I realize do you still want to keep hanging and cling to him around like this, you know his father passed away he is no longer interested in you at all, you wanna wait him and help him to move on? What about yourself?
You gonna wait how long?

I know he need someone to help him overcome this sadness of losing a family member.

But... Then
Right now I feel devastated. It's like everytime I come back to him the stakes is still low..
I can managed it

But this time its too high. I dont know when he will recover at all. Or eventually he will toss me aside.
I'm wasting more days....

I doesnt want to be lonely. I dont want to lose him. I doesnt want to lose someone like him.

Someone broken like me finding a perfect guy like him. Someone who's nice, older, rich and came from a loving family unlike me. Divorced parents.

i have the continuation, we managed to keep in contact after his father funeral I tried to help him out on his product instagram because i finished photographing it. I already return on my hometown by that time, and I keep contacting him asking how he is going:

or how he is managing, we sstill having phone calls even thou Im the one who ask. Until one day he said, Im tired of you. And he just left me doesnt want to contact me unless is bussiness only. I tried so hard, to contact him asking how his day but he didnt reply at all. Then by yesterday i realized My contact is being blocked: then i saw his instagram... He is wth a girl whom i know he just met her one month ago. He is having a new girlfriend: imagne what i felt..... For past 8months im with him and suddenly he just give a girl what i alwyas wanted for that long. Then i went rampage, i direct message his instagram and he said i call you in the evening. He did. You know what he said ya i dont lke you that much, you were an extra or friend with benefits or whatever. I dont like you. Then i asked why, you just met a girl by one month. And you choose her you are in relationship with her? He said... Because I like her. Then i said you are so cruel very cruel then he said:.. Then? What are we gonna talk about. Then i explain to him how I did all the things for him and he said to me, you asking for me a pity cant you see? Then i went silence. Then i made the biggest lie i ever did in my life, i said to him. I havent got my period for two months, i wanna check for pregnancy test. Then he said go on check it, im pretty sure when was our last time doing it. I said august which is kinda match.... Two month。 then i ask what if i really got your baby will you take responsibilities? He said to me, go check first that question come laters. Then he said i need to go now, if you need to talk or what mauybe later lunchtime someday. Then i say i will probably will not comtact you, i respect your girlfriend. If you want please finish this righy now. Then he said, i ned to go and hang up his calls.

I left so devastated after the calls, i cried like someone died in me. I have been suffering suicidal thoughts since two months ago. From holding a scissors towards my belly, This is suffocating. I actually tried to strangle myself just now with hand. I m thinking of... Drinking my slepping pills in one go so maybe probably i will never wake up anymore.

I feel like a worthless human being. I doesnt deserve anything good. I loathe myself. I hate me.