What do you do to move on after a breakup?
Hey all,
I am wanting to know your methods or ways, that you use to get through a breakup, and how to make that rough patch afterwards not as bad. I am doing better myself, but I am having a couple things I can't let go of, and I wanted to know how you go about handling lingering thoughts, dreams, feelings.
All responses are appreciated, and I would love to have a conversation. :)
@whawkins
Honestly, time is the best healer. It can take time moving on from a break up, and you may always have thoughts about them but that's okay, as long as they don't cause you a lot of distress.
I mainly focus on myself after a break up; maybe lose some weight, focus on a hobby, try a new hairstyle or improve my future in some way! I work on improving myself. It's a basically self care. :)
When my wife left me, after some time I tried dating again. I also went back to school to start a new career. But other than those I played video games in my free time. They helped take me away from being trapped in sadness and greif and be just be somewhere else. Being a hero, having a sense of accomplishment, being something more than what I felt at the time. I had fun playing and making new friends. I did more than just games, I lost weight, focused on me. The thoughts or hope of some day my wife coming back were still there, but they weren't as much with my focus on other things. After about 4 1/2 yrs, my wife did come back.
@Titus83
I do plan on getting back into the dating scene at some point. I am currently in University getting my bachelors. The only thing weighing on my mind is that I have to work quite closely with my ex gf in our management society. This is what makes me nervous and anxious, is not knowing how our interactions are going to be. I also am worried about situations that haven't happened yet, and probably will turn out different than I am thinking.
I used to play a fair amount of video games, but that declined throughout school and summer work. I would love to get back into it, but for some reason when I play certain games it takes me back to when I would play a game before going to see my now ex gf. Weird I know. So I have completely gone away from games for the meantime, as well I have taken a break from using social media. It has helped but also will be a new set of challenges when I hop back onto it. My work has kept me mostly balanced and I'm doing quite well overall. As I said previous, my anxiety about seeing her, and interacting in social settings/events is through the roof.
I do still have the hopes that something can be worked out between her and I. She painted me in a really bad light after breaking up with me and that caught me off guard the most. But deep down I do still have the want; of having her back in my life. I partially feel like her and I were only just starting to really do things as a couple more. But I also know that the situation has been a bit toxic and that the blame got thrown all on me. So a part of me says no-way-jose!!
What do you think I should do during those social situations where she will be there and so will I? I don't want any awkward encounters that are noticeable by the public?
@whawkins
Take a walk, everyday if you can. Notice the nature around you an take deep breaths. If that doesn't sound like something you would do start to run get your heart rate up, sweat, it makes me feel better.
@CCsunshine
I do enjoy going for walks. I miss going for walks with her, but I guess couple's walks will have to wait till someone new is in my life. But walks by myself do give me some good thinking time. Sometimes my mind wanders off and I do try to manage to get it back on track...but sometimes I can't help but think; "maybe she will change her mind".. Is that a weird thought to have? Have you ever had an experience or known someone that has really actually happened to? Some people have told me she is going through a rough patch and may come back around once she sees me in university again.
But I will take your advice and continue walking as much as I can.
@whawkins
I had thoughts about my wife having a change of heart and coming back while her and I were seperated. They were very common at first which is understandable. I really missed her and cared about her still. I tried to be there for her and help her in any way I could. I did want to keep her in my life because of what I still felt for also because we had children together and I wanted her to spend time with them. It may have not been advised and maybe not giving her the space she needed but at the time it was all I could do. I kept that hope of one day her being with me again but in time I didn't let that drive all I did. I moved on as a person because I knew it was not healthy for me to dwell on her leaving me.
@Titus83
Yeah and for me it is weird...I had those thoughts a lot at first, then they subsuded and I could breath a bit again. But flash forward to now and I find myself often losing track of what I am doing and going on long thoughts about getting back with her and I'll find myself Googling to see if others have had someone come back after a couple months. To me it seems very backwards. Now since she was the one who broke up with me, I'm sure that in her mind she is never going to want to get back together. Again that is me assuming, but I also know that her friends and mom were involved in talking about my "negative qualities".
I have been giving her space basically since the breakup. She was Snapchatting me about a week into the breakup and I would respond because this is the polite thing to do. But after a few days of her Snapchatting me, she lashed out and said that I never give her space or listen to her request to leave her alone. Well I'm sorry that you keep Snapchatting me...geez. But since I have to work with her in university, I find myself thinking that we will have some kind of interactions, and maybe she will see me for who I am and for the things I've worked hard to change. In the end, even just some way of knowing she still thinks good of me and not have any hatred towards me.
Thanks for letting me hear your side of the story. I would love to chat further. How did you know when your wife seemed to want to come back? Was she direct, or more subtle?
@whawkins
My wife asked if I would want to try and get back together. This was bit of a shock for me because a month earlier she had been calling me and getting mad at me for almost everything. She said she felt that I had always been there for her and she felt ready. I am not sure what changed her mind because her friends had been talking against her getting back with me.
Keep doing what you've been doing to keep your mind focused on you. I still recommend you look up about the 3 types of attachment personalities so you can learn about yourself more and what she may be going thru. If it is as informatitive for you as it is for me, maybe you can mention it to her for her to do the same. It will benefit her as well. Just be tactful so you don't make her feel that she has "problems or issues" so she can start her own personal journey.
@Titus83
Yeah I feel like if she asked to be back with me it would go against everything she said when she broke up with me. At first she said she just needed some time...then after two weeks of leading me to think she would reconsider, she said that she feels that there would be know way for us to get back together and have things be the way they were. But when I was with my ex, she would have moments where she would become a little secluded, then there would be days where she wouldn't be able to stop saying stuff like, "You've always been there for me", "I can't say how much I love you etc.". So maybe; who knows, she may have a change of heart when she sees me again and can see how I've been working hard on my irritableness and how not only am I doing it for myself, but also to show her that when I say I care...I truly do.
I actually just went for a walk to try and clear my head (also studying/doing a group project for a summer course) so that I can be calmer and more focused overall. I did look up those attachment personalities and I feel like both her and I fall into two different categories. I am more in the anxious - preoccupied category, and she; I feel, is more in the fearful - avoidant. It's unfortunate because she has had some trauma history from past relationships and I know that it had a part to play. Especially when she compared me to one of her abusers. I don't know if mentioning it would be the best idea for me at this point, given that she hasn't contacted me since, and blocked me on a couple social media sites.
It sucks because we had so much planned for the fall, and now it is all gone...her family had also included me in a bunch of their plans and now those are gone too. It hurts because I am not sure what their feelings are either. Who knows, I have to keep telling myself to let go, but in the back of my mind of course there is the hope that something could come of this, whatever it may be.
@whawkins
What i have learned recently is that i have an anxious attachment personality. I read about the symptoms that occur that can cause my anxiety and what to do to help so I don't get caught up in that mind set. When my wife and I were seperated I would feel very anxious about running in to her at the store. I let my insecurities and grief take control and I was afriad of what would happen,if i would say something to make things worse or just feed in to the pain i was feeling of seeing her not with me.
I am not sure if that is the same case for you but i don't think it will hurt to do some reading on attachment personalites. It may help you learn a little more about yourself so you can take care and grow as a person. that way when you do see her at work you will know what kind of thoughts trigger the anxiety and be better equipped to focus on being in control. You can acknowledge her and say "Hi" without any drama flaring up and show that even though you are going thru this breakup with some maturity. It will take some practice, but I have been working on that myself and I do feel like i am starting to get a handle on it.
Your ex may have the other attachment personality, she may need space and time to work on what issues she had that lead to the break up in a reasonable matter. I wish I knew about these personality traits sooner, but at least I can work on them now and it can hopefully help you too. I hope what i said can help you and that you have a good day. I will check back to see how you are doing.
*bump*
@whawkins
Hey there, how are you doing? How are things going for you since you last replied?
@Titus83
I've been doing pretty well as of late, but I had a little slip as of this morning. I've been thinking more in the moment and less of what is to come in the future. It has helped me day to day, become more focused on the tasks at hand, and helps a lot with me getting a better sleep at night. I feel like I am no longer hung up on the silly smaller things that I think could happen when I see her again. Which overall has got me feeling happier.
This morning I got an email from her regarding some work stuff, and seeing that sent a small tingle of worry through my body. I got past it, but then I had to go onto my company's facebook page to do some marketing stuff, and I checked my notifications for a group her and I are a part of...bad idea. I saw a bunch of her photos and posts she put there and I became really sad and depressed. I have to see her in person in less than two weeks and I am so nervous/anxious about it. If she ends up being really chill then that's good but it also makes me feel bad because it would seem like she never had any emotions for me.
What steps do you think I should take within the next couple days to help prepare myself for this? How have you been since we last chatted?
@whawkinsI am doing ok. My wife and I are going thru some issues and it is a struggle with what habits/behaviors I want to change to better my relationship with her. But we are making small steps and that makes me feel better as I focus on that.I did get the feeling that she did not have true emotions for me when her and I were seperated and even after we got back together and there was a huge fight i would feel that way. When we were separated I saw her post on social media her going to parties or dates, drinking and having a good time like nothing else mattered to her while i was at home with our daughters raising them. When I talked to my wife as to why she seemed that way, she told me that she was hurting inside and her way to move on was to focus on her and her moving on with her life.She said was not happy at all with herself and her life. it wasnt were she wanted to be but it was what she felt she needed to do to move on. there were things i did becuase of my anger, grief, sadness that resulted in me making more mistakes during our separation. I know we are human and its ok to have those emotions/feelings but I focused too much on myself and not much if at all on what she was going through. She may seem like she is having the time of her life or she doesn't carry any more thoughts of you, but try and remember that it may be her way of coping with what she is feeling about you.
My advice would be to just try and be happy for her that she is happy. I know it sounds difficult, I too find it difficult to picture my wife happy without me. If you can show that you feel that way for her she may see that you are at least a friend to her that truly cares. All you can be is her friend and give her time. This is just my experience and I hope it helps. I am glad to hear what progress you have done so far and I continue to hope you keep making that progress. Work to be happy with yourself so you can be a happy and stronger person.
@Titus83
Good to hear things are going ok. I hope you can sort out the habits that are hindering the relationship so you can have a stronger relationship going forward.
So maybe my ex gf is using those type of activities and outward appearance to make herself feel better or less upset about how things are? Maybe she is doing it to try and move on fully, while not looking back on anything for the wrong reasons. And yeah I do have moments where I let my emotions (like irritableness/getting upset) get the best of me, and it shows. Maybe to her I am still this "bad guy" and her way of dealing with moving on is in a way which looks like she doesn't care. I have to see her in a meeting as of September 5th and it's got me nervous, but I am not letting that stop my day. Had some minor road bumps regarding some work items that my team was working on for her, but otherwise I feel pretty good about having to sit in the same room with her again.
My advice would be to just try and be happy for her that she is happy. I know it sounds difficult, I too find it difficult to picture my wife happy without me. If you can show that you feel that way for her she may see that you are at least a friend to her that truly cares. All you can be is her friend and give her time. This is just my experience and I hope it helps. I am glad to hear what progress you have done so far and I continue to hope you keep making that progress. Work to be happy with yourself so you can be a happy and stronger person.
Yeah and I am trying, but the way she has been acting lately, and how she acted when she breakup, was not something that I can just move past and ignore. I do want to be happy for her as a person but it's hard when she has painted me in such a bad light. I do wish for her to see me for who I truly am (a good guy) and that if she so chooses to ever want me in her life, that in the right circumstance, I would be willing to try again. It also would help our work dynamic. We were a great team until after the breakup, and now am struggling to get what I need from her.
I am glad of my progress, and I hope to continue. I just hope for a better resolution than her and I have right now. I know that for some it does work out, but maybe it works out in other ways as well. Hope to continue chatting. Thanks.
I think just start looking after yourself, and working on yourself. That's what I'm still doing. I've just moved apartment and am doing yoga, eating healthily (no alcohol, caffeine or sugar), drinking lots of water, going to bed early, practising mindfulness and meditation, and working on my craft a lot more ( I'm a pianist). Think of breaking up as a time to finally work on yourself - freedom!! It's been exactly a month since I broke up with my ex, I still think of him a lot but like the other posts say, time will heal. I've read the 7 Cups for the Searching Soul book, and the positivity exercise of writing down before you go to bed every little good thing you experienced during the day has really helped with keeping a positive mindset. Also yoga has helped me understand that even though I'm not completely able to do something, it's the intention that counts. So the fact I'm trying to remain positive despite still thinking of my ex helps.... We'll just see how we feel in a few months!
