How to know whether we have moved on over our ex?

@InfiniteThoughts2k19, I'm going through this thing right now, I'm fresh off my two years relationship and I really don't know how I will do from now on.

I think that there is never a right time, a moment in which you know you're over it. Simply you start thinking less and less about someone and at some point you are able of thinking about someone else.

Maybe it is not much of an answer but it is the only one I can tell (and hope for) now.

@InfiniteThoughts2k19

The ex was in our life because they brought something positive and good into it. They are now an ex because there was a strong reason to end it. Moving on isn't about forgetting them or the growth you made as a person within the relationship, rather it's accepting the whole picture. When we are able to smile at the positives and know that it wasn't meant to be for a reason, that is when we can be ready to move on to next steps in life.

In the meantime be kind to yourself, it is okay to remember and grieve the loss of a relationship. It is okay to need some space and it is equally okay to seek comfort with others. Just do what feels right and trust yourself to know what's best for you!

Good luck.

@0m

Totally agree with this.

Going through it right now myself. Sometimes I wish I hadn't left and I want to believe that I can be happy with him. But most of the time, I'm happy without him. I see something and he isn't the first person I think of to share it with. When I'm with someone else, I'm not comparing him to my ex but able to just be in the moment. I find myself looking forward to what might be, rather than back at what was.

@peacefulforest75

It's hard to change any habit and a relationship is a massive number of habits associated to every emotion - all that much harder! Well done to you for walking down that road where you've reached the understanding that you're mostly happy without him.
Enjoying new experiences and other people without reverting back to the past is what makes you able to create beautiful memories that are your own :) Keep collecting every smile and positive moment and I hope you're able to build that amazing future that you deserve! Good Luck.

@0m

Thought of one more. I'm able to look at things that he did/said that used to be very hurtful to me, and see them as more about him. I'm not taking things so personally, and in fact I'm sad that this is how he responds.

He wrote our neighbor a long email this morning (copied me) about feeling unappreciated, detailing things that go back years. All because he doesn't understand something she said to him. Previously I had been the target of this, sometimes in person, and instead of feeling hurt I just feel sad reading it. He is upset and feeling alone, but I see him further alienating himself by responding as an attack rather than just asking what she meant.

@peacefulforest75

You're quite right to spot the unhealthy behaviour. Is this normal for him to copy you into all his correspondence and are you okay with this to continue?

@0m

Hmm, good thought. I don't know...my first instinct was to write to the neighbor and apologize/explain that I was not a part of his commentary. But, it's obvious since I wasn't there for the in-person part and she knows I left him. I'm not sure why he copied me, to be honest.

My primary thought now is that I'm sad for him. He felt isolated and hurt, which led to his outburst. This will likely lead to more isolation. It is a good reminder for me that he can do things to be kind (he gave me tomatoes and blackberries from his garden today), and yet still have some things that need to be fixed. I always tend to look for the good in people, so it is very hard for me to see all sides. I know I need to limit him to a defined area of my life so this sort of behavior doesn't affect my wellbeing.

@peacefulforest75

It's obvious he means a lot to you, you're seeing his pain despite being in the midst of your own healing process.
He carries on being kind to you even through his phase of trying to understand the equations of choice-consequence. Maybe this stage will allow you both some space for personal growth and reflection.
We all learn from experiences both good and bad, we change and mould ourselves into the person we want to be. Sometimes it takes the realisation of what we don't want ... for us to begin thinking about what we do want.

@0m

Well we've been married more than 6 years, together 9....I do still love him. I'm not "in love" with him, and honestly haven't been in years. His way of dealing with conflict and communication style has prevented a level of emotional intimacy/connection I really long for.

I've been dating someone who provides all that and is being extremely sensitive to my needs. It's wonderful, but also so hard because I'd love for my husband to provide just a fraction of the love and support this other man does. Part of my healing is accepting that my husband just can't...it's who he is. In some ways, it's unfair for both of us to stay married. He doesn't understand why I can't be happy with him as he is, and I don't understand why he can't change just a little bit. But...that's the way it is and I'm really trying to accept it and move on, so I can fully be with someone who can give me what I want and need.

You know what is best for you, I have also been in your shoes. You can't put a time stamp on healing and moving on. You will know when you are ready for a new relationship you will be, you will find your person meant to be with you. I believe that everybody has somebody nobody is ever alone/meant to be alone. One day the past person will be just a memory or you may laugh everybody is different take care you'll be fine. ♥️