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peacefulforest75
1,476 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts23 Forum posts228 Forum upvotes226 Current upvotes226 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2019 Member sinceJuly 23, 2018
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I filed for divorce today
Relationship Stress / by peacefulforest75
Last post
 November 14th, 2019
...See more I mostly feel relief and happiness at the first step toward a new beginning. It is bittersweet, because I really did commit to loving him. However, I realized that (whether or not he knows it), he doesn't want to be married, or at least doesn't want to be married to me. This was devastating when I first began to realize it as I saw it as a rejection, but now I understand that he doesn't want to have the necessary give-and-take in a relationship. It was always one-sided, and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I think he sees it as me unable to love him as he is, and leaving him for another man. It's not exactly like that, as I began to confide in a long-time male friend of mine nearly 2 years ago. He encouraged me to work on my marriage, clarify my needs so I could better express them, etc. I began to turn to my friend for the emotional support I was lacking from my husband. This pulled me out of a years-long depression, but also made me realize what I really wanted in a marriage. I didn't leave because of the other man, although him being there and expressing his own interest in me did make it an easier step. I know I'll never be able to express these thoughts to him due to the way he selectively hears what he wants to hear and believes what he wants to believe. I feel sadness because I think he wants the same closeness I do in a relationship, but is unable to be vulnerable enough to achieve it or even recognize this.
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Truly hurt vs. manipulative
Relationship Stress / by peacefulforest75
Last post
 October 29th, 2019
...See more Something I have been wrestling with for awhile is whether my ex is manipulative. He has a habit (not just with me) of internalizing his own version of what someone says, brooding over it, and then lashing out with accusations based on his assumptions of what was intended. Frankly, it drove me a bit crazy. I became depressed and even had thoughts of suicide based on his versions of things I said and intended. I became overemotional from his accusations, so he pulled away and ghosted me. I then became clingy and even more emotional. I had never been this way before. I finally got the courage to leave him, and I'm mostly healed now. Hearing these things (in co-parenting counseling sessions) doesn't rip my heart open anymore. The problem is, I'm not sure how to deal with them. It's sort of a variation on gaslighting, but the problem is that treating it like gaslighting "that is not my recollection" and not engaging seems pretty cold and heartless, especially if he really believes his version. I'm honestly not sure what he believes. On the other hand, if I engage and (yet again) try to correct what I actually said and intended, it becomes a debate of he-said, she-said. Simply having the debate feels wrong, because it shouldn't be debatable what I said and intended. The counselor has agreed with this, and has suggested alternate ways for him to express how he feels, but he won't do this. I'm thinking that maybe I can simply express empathy for his view "I'm sorry that you feel that way" and then add the disengagement part "That is not my recollection of what I said, and I do not wish to discuss it." Because we have a kid, we're going to have to communicate to some degree for awhile. I'm also a bit worried about what this might do to my son, but he seems to be developing a good sense of empathy, self-awareness, and honest reflection so far (he's 11). I see my counselor in a couple weeks and she always has some good insights, but simply typing this out clarifies a lot for me...and maybe helps someone else in a similar situation.
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Hahaha
Relationship Stress / by peacefulforest75
Last post
 October 28th, 2019
...See more At a counseling session about co-parenting the other day, my ex brought up his version of a discussion we had months ago. It bothered me and seemed to detract from the parenting discussion, so I tried to write back to him with a gentle "let's move on" message. I apologized for our difficulties and said that I thought we had different expectations of marriage, and that I had assumed he wanted the same things I did. He wrote back that he disagreed. I find this funny because I didn't say what my expectations or his were. I wouldn't claim to know his expectations, and I only clarified my own recently since we broke up. The fact that he jumps to assumptions was one of the problems we had in our marriage! I guess one measure of moving on is when you find things that infuriated you are now amusing.
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I wish I could truly move on...
Relationship Stress / by peacefulforest75
Last post
 October 26th, 2019
...See more I've been separated from my husband on and off since March, but officially moved out in August. There were a lot of things going on: -He seemed to want to do more things on his own than before and wasn't involving me -When things upset him, he tends to withdraw/brood about it for hours/days and then lash out in a tirade -He seems needy for affirmation and attention, yet doesn't offer it back to me From my side, I didn't respond to this as well as I could have. I typically withdrew (emotionally/physically) until I couldn't stand it, then became overly needy and emotional. Although his counselor diagnosed me with an insecure attachment problem (based on talking with us twice and whatever he's said about me), I've never acted like this before in any relationship. I've learned a huge amount from this process and have improved my communication and conflict resolution skills. I use these skils just about every day with lots of people and have seen benefits from it. So...from where I stand now, it seems like the man I loved and the man he is now are two different people (or maybe I'm only now seeing him as he really is). He doesn't seem to want the same things I do, in terms of a committed partner who wants to spend time together, make plans/share ideas together, and collaborate so our needs can both be met. Or maybe he just doesn't want this with me, which is hard but something I accept as a possibility. Even if somehow I am misunderstanding him and he does want these things with me, his communication and way of dealing with conflict is hurtful to me. When I've expressed that, he rephrases that I am the one finding it hurtful. He doesn't seem to want to change. I can accept this, but I will not tolerate it and do not want to be around someone who recognizes their behavior is hurtful to someone and won't try to change. I'm just trying to process this. We're seeing a counselor today by his request to talk about what we want in the future. He's also suggested a legal separation. I'm actually leaning more toward just filing for divorce based on the apparent difference in our needs AND the dealbreaker of his behavior/lack of willingness to address it. I think my heart is still hoping he does want the same things I want and he does want to address the behavior, even though my head knows it's best for us to be apart.
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I guess I just don't understand
Relationship Stress / by peacefulforest75
Last post
 September 12th, 2019
...See more I know we came together through our dream of a united family, and that it was hard for both of us when that dream didn't come true. I had hoped we could work through that heartbreak together, support each other, and potentially even grow closer through it. I don't understand why you pull away when I need you the most. I think maybe you feel failure in my sadness and pain, yet all I want from you is a hug, for you to listen and try to understand. When you withdraw from me, I pull back as well and then neither of us feel fulfilled. You respond by looking outside our marriage to friends and spend even less time with me, whereas I get needy and emotional. Our responses only push each other further away. I've finally accepted that you just aren't able to provide me with the emotional support I need. You seem hurt and angry that I left, and I'm sad to see you hurting even though I feel so much better without you around. I don't know any way that we could be together and be happy without solving this dynamic, and I don't understand why you don't want to work on that. I wish you the best and I'll try to remember the good times we had together. Even though it didn't work out, I learned a lot about myself and relationships for the future. I hope you can heal and grow from this too.
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How soon to start a new relationship?
Relationship Stress / by peacefulforest75
Last post
 September 3rd, 2019
...See more I recently left my husband and moved out, although we've been separated on and off since about March, and having trouble for a couple years now. Last summer after a particularly hurtful argument, I called a friend/ex for advice. I called him because he was a marriage counselor once, he's been through a lot of stuff himself, I always felt comfortable talking with him, and he didn't know my husband. We met up a few times solely on a friend basis, but also began messaging/texting quite a bit. He told me he's always regretted letting me go, but that he wanted to support me with my marriage because that commitment was important to him. During the off periods of my separation, there was more flirting on both sides. We met up a couple more times, but it wasn't exactly dating. I would say that you could call what I did emotionally cheating, since I was confiding in him and turning to him for the emotional support I needed since my husband was unable to provide it. Once I officially moved out we began dating, and now only a month after I moved out we are planning weekend getaways. I knew this man 10 years ago and he was wonderful, although we both had a lot of stuff going on so we split up. He seems even more wonderful now, with all of the empathy/understanding/consideration I have longed for with my husband. Ideally, if my husband could give me half of what this other man does, I'd go back...but realistically I know that won't happen. He's not asking for any commitment from me, and in fact tells me often that if we end up friends in the end, that's ok. I'm trying to be as honest with I can with him since I don't want to hurt him. My head tells me this is all way too fast...but my heart says this is exactly where I need to be. I'm happier than I have been in years. Should I just see where this takes me?
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I'm ready to move out this time
Relationship Stress / by peacefulforest75
Last post
 August 27th, 2019
...See more I'm finally going to stick with my decision to move out from my husband (married 6 years, together 9). Twice before I've been on the brink, have looked at places, and changed my mind at the last minute after I saw ways he had changed. What's different this time is that I can accept the ways he can't change and realize that the things that hurt aren't about me. It's just the way he is. By leaving, I'm also doing the right thing for him by releasing him from the frustration of being unable to make me happy. Leaving and unrooting my life will be stressful, especially for my 11 year old son. However, he already seems happier in part because I am more at peace.
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