How am I going to get through this?
I just filed the papers to end my 16 year marriage. I know there is no other course to take. But I feel so very lost and afraid.
Over these last few years, I've tried to reconcile the contradictions between what he says and what he does. He loves me but he hurts me. He's sorry but he keeps doing it. He says I'm the finest person he knows but all our problems are my fault. He thinks I'm smart but has played me for a fool.
Years of that, of being confused and hurt and angry have left me feeling so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I want to believe that I'm a kind, smart, loving person who is generally good, if flawed. But I can't. Not really. Because I look at myself and see ugly, boring, cold-hearted and stupid, stupid, stupid. That's the message his behavior has sent and that's the message my heart believes.
I must be as awful and undeserving as I feel, right? Why else would this man who was so loving for so long, start treating me with such contempt?
I don't know how to let go of the anger. I don't know how to forgive. I don't know how to heal. I'm in hell.