How am I going to get through this?
I just filed the papers to end my 16 year marriage. I know there is no other course to take. But I feel so very lost and afraid.
Over these last few years, I've tried to reconcile the contradictions between what he says and what he does. He loves me but he hurts me. He's sorry but he keeps doing it. He says I'm the finest person he knows but all our problems are my fault. He thinks I'm smart but has played me for a fool.
Years of that, of being confused and hurt and angry have left me feeling so lost. I don't know who I am anymore. I want to believe that I'm a kind, smart, loving person who is generally good, if flawed. But I can't. Not really. Because I look at myself and see ugly, boring, cold-hearted and stupid, stupid, stupid. That's the message his behavior has sent and that's the message my heart believes.
I must be as awful and undeserving as I feel, right? Why else would this man who was so loving for so long, start treating me with such contempt?
I don't know how to let go of the anger. I don't know how to forgive. I don't know how to heal. I'm in hell.
@Mirea Just want to say I know how you feel, as I struggle through my own toxic, moribund marriage. 16 years is a long time and a lot of emotional investment. There's a sad, empty sense of "it wasn't supposed to be this way". What you're feeling is totally natural, and healing will take time, but it will happen. Congratulations on finding the courage to take this step into your future.
@justsomeonelost @BurkeDevlin
Thank you both for your words of support.
Part of the reason I'm having such a hard time is I recently learned the magnitude of all his deceptions. I'm having to question everything I thought I knew. It's hard enough grieving the future I thought we'd have together. Now I have to grieve a man who I thought I knew but didn't, the person I used to be, and the whole of our marriage - even the times that I thought were good. On top of that, I have to find my true self again and I don't know how.
I know it takes time. I know I need to heal all the damage he inflicted on me. It's just so much and in the past few days I've been almost overwhelmed with pain and anger of it all. I made an appointment with a therapist but waiting a week for my appointment seems like forever.
Anyway, I know there's nothing to do but hang on and wait. Typing things out here helps lessen the desire to scream and cry and rage. All of which is frowned upon at work. Once I start talking to my therapist, I'll have an outlet so it'll be more manageable. Right now, it's all I can do to keep it together and get through my days.
Thanks you both so much for listening. 
@Mirea Well, then, keep typing it out here whenever you need to and we'll keep listening.
I'm very sorry you've been decieved. I hope that one day the good memories will make you smile again - even as you create better ones to come.
@Mirea I believe in true love. Once we are not together with them, we seem lost at least thats how I feel now..How does it make sense after all the time of affection, thinking its right, that we're supposed to be loving that person that much but how can I love another the same level is the challenge. Thats why I am here looking for the why's and the how's. Try and enjoy your day today.
Day by day, one foot in front of the other one.
Wounds take time to heal and it'll never feel like relief comes soon enough. It's not the most actionable or the fastest advice, but when you feel like you're in a dark place with no light, just remember that it's one foot in front of the other foot.
Each step may not seem like a whole lot, but it adds up. And pretty soon, you'll have climbed mountains without realizing it.
Hang in there <3
One of the things I'm struggling with is a question of my own identity. For so long, I'd hear such contradictory things about myself.
For instance, he'd say all these good, affirming things: That I'm smart, fun and kind, he's so in love with me, I'm the finest person he's ever met. Etc.
But he'd also tell me that I'm irrational, intrusive, uncaring, boring, etc. That I'm the cause of our problems.
So for years I was left wondering if I am this good person or this awful person. Both can't be true. Logically, I know that everyone is some degree of good and bad and I'm nothing out of the ordinary in that regard. But he speaks in such absolutes and he's so convincing that I ended up with this war going on inside my head as I tried to figure out which of his versions of me was true.
Now that it's over, I find that I want to force him to acknowledge all the pain he's caused and how much damage he did to my heart. This is a mistake, I think. I'm still looking to him to validate my feelings. This is a what? Habit? Compulsion? I don't know. But it's so long-standing that I don't know how to stop doing it.
This is why I'm in such a dark place right now. I desperately need that validation but my own self has been so beaten down that I can't give it to myself. It's kind of a catch-22. I need X in order to heal. But I need to heal in order to be able to give myself X. I don't know if that makes sense but that's the loop I'm stuck in.
Anyway, I do have an appointment with my therapist so I'm doing what I can to get unstuck. Thank you all again for all your support and wisdom. This helps me more than I can say.
@Mirea I'll be your logical voice and quote your own words, "everyone is some degree of good and bad and I'm nothing out of the ordinary in that regard". The things that are good - smart, funny, kind - that's what you are. (I could tell all that just from 'riddling' with you in the other thread awhile back.) The things you may need to work on - and we've all got 'em - are just opportunties for self-reflection and improvement.
As time passes and you heal - and you will heal - you'll come out of this with your core virtues and values strengthened, and also with the wisdom to understand what you might do differently going forward.
I so badly want certain other people to just understand what they've done and how they've made me feel - even if they don't apologize for it. We may never get that validation, though, because it's in the other person's emotional interest not to face those things. We've just got to believe in our own stories and hold to our personal convictions. Bottom line is - we're not selfish for wanting the things that are important to us, for having the desires and goals and values that we do. Whether someone else understands and agrees or not.
@Mirea
There is someone out there who will love you for who you are. Do not think in the past or you cannot open yourself to someone new.
People like him play games. You have lost self esteem because of those games.
Look to the bright side of your situation.
You can move on, find someone new, find a new love, no more games to deal with, you get a new place, maybe a new job, maybe move to a new town, meet new people....there are endless things that can happen because you took this step.
Anyone who hurts those they love, were hurt by those they grew up with. It is a cycle that never ends, and I am glad you took the step to end it.
This time next year you will look back and think I am glad I took that step.
Wish you the best, and start anew. People who hurt should be left behind.
I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. It reminds me of the abusive relationship I was in, in which he ended up putting me down, and I believed him! I had totally lost myself by the end of the relationship. It took months to realize he was the bad guy in the situation - at least you have clarity to see that his words don't line up.
I recently dated a guy who was somewhat similar in that he would tell me I'm smart but then say my logic is flawed. He thinks I'm this great person, all the cliches - beautiful, funny, sweet, smart, etc. - but I'm not good enough for him. I'm still dealing with immense sadness regarding this guy, I can't seem to not feel deeply about that relationship, how on and off again it was, and that logically, on paper, it was unhealthy, but yet I yearn for it, for him.