Dealing With Pet Loss: How To Help a Grieving Pet Parent

"Pet parents often say that losing their animal companions can sometimes be as hard as, if not harder than, losing a human family member, experts said.

“Your pets follow you into bathroom. They sleep with you. They are your shadow. Human family members don’t do that,” said Leigh Ann Gerk, a pet loss grief counselor in Loveland, Colo., and founder of Mourning to Light Pet Loss. “Humans don’t go crazy with joy when you come back inside after getting the mail. Human relationships, while important, can be difficult. Our relationship with our pets is simple. They love us just as we are.”

People want to help, but often don’t know how. Sometimes their comments can hurt.

How to support grieving pet parents. We spoke with pet loss grief experts about how people can support grieving pet parents. Here is their advice:

• Avoid euphemisms and platitudes. Don’t say, “They are in a better place,” since “the only place you want your pet is in your home,” Gerk said. Other things not to say: “They’re running free,” “They’re not in pain anymore,” “They’re with your other dogs now,” “They’ve gained their wings” or “Everything happens for a reason.”

While some people might find these phrases healing, others may see them as dismissive, Kwerel said. “That’s trying to apply logic to an emotional experience,” she said.

• Be careful with Rainbow Bridge imagery. The Rainbow Bridge is a mythical overpass where grieving pet parents are said to reunite forever with their departed animals.

“That’s not a belief system for some people,” Gerk said. “I’ve had clients say they want to believe in the Rainbow Bridge, but they don’t know if they do. I remind them: if it brings them comfort to believe in it, then believe in it.”

• Share your pet grief story. It can help the grieving pet parent to know you’ve been through it, too, but don’t make it about yourself.
• “Don’t compare grief situations,” said Michele Pich, assistant director of the Shreiber Family Pet Therapy program at Rowan University. “That won’t help. You can say: ‘I understand how painful this can be,’ but keep the focus on this current experience.”

• If you knew the pet, share your memories. It’s helpful for pet owners “to know their animal has made an impact on other people’s lives as well as their own,” Pich said.
• Rituals are wonderful. Make a donation to a rescue group or plant a tree in that animal’s honor. Write a poem about the pet, or even an obituary.
• Don’t minimize the loss or try to find a silver lining. It wasn’t “just” a cat, or “just” a dog. It was a family member. And don’t say, “Now you can travel,” “You won’t be tied down anymore,” or “Your vet bills won’t be so high.”
• There is no time limit on grief. Try not to rush the process, Pich said. “Sometimes people will have sympathy for a day or two, then not understand why you are still grieving weeks or months later,” she said.
• Listen. “Grief is not a problem to be solved,” Kwerel said. “You can’t take away their pain. Just be a compassionate witness to it.”
• Don’t ask what you can do. “That puts the onus on the griever,” Kwerel said. Instead, do something concrete such as sending flowers and showing up with pizza. Say, ‘I’m here for you.’”
• Don’t suggest getting another cat or dog without adding “when you are ready.” Pushing them implies they are replacing the one who died.”

Read the full article on The Washington Post