OUR ORIGINAL POETRY: Share It Here
Hello there everyone!
If you're reading this it means that you probably are quite fond of poetry and writing it to. This is a thread to post all and any poetry that you may have, be it happy, sad, angry or just silly. All styles are welcome (free verse, couplets, slam) and it would be great to have at least one poem up a day for all of us to enjoy together!!
@smilewhenitrains87, as I read this poem, it got better and better, with more sophisticated style/approach. Iespecially love the parenthetical phrases--that just knocked me out.
Dear@smilewhenitrains87, that is an amazing story. When I hear someone tell about the journey from despair to happiness, it iswonderfully heartwarming and inspiring. I am so impressed. Congratulations.
I am wondering. If you are willing to share it, I would be interested to know. Did the process of writing the poem help you cope with the pain?
The intensity of the emotions plainly helped you write a powerful poem. But did the process of pouring the emotions into print help you survive the pain of the breakup?
Dear @SmileWhenItRains87, I respect your decision absolutely. Manytimes it is preferable to let things lie quietly and not rake them up unnecessarily. 
Again I appreciate that you shared the poem. It's powerful.
Dear @DeafBlond25, there is a lot of truth in your poem.
It reminds me of the work that the listeners do here at 7 Cups--trying to help people feel better.
@Amy1160, Love this. The images relating to colors really work for me. Iespecially the idea of seeing when a person is wearing the tinted glasses, expressed elliptically. And repeated with subsequent references to black and grey. And the concept of building a grave -- and breathing with stone instead of theheart. Strong.There seems to be a series of truncated, somewhat chaotic, expressions toward the end, which appear to reflect the poet's confusion and emotion.So much here, and more with each reading.
Dear @mckpunka,
WOW. I was enthralled from the beginning. The lines "i've never been all that good with expressing my feelings,i always preferred to etch them into my skin instead" made my breath catch. And the line about the damsel clutching her distress, wonderful! So many compelling lines. The whole thing packs a powerful punch. Just wow.
@funnyowl1380, I adore, ADORE the first two lines! The concept of dancing on the rings of Saturn is WONDERFUL--and the marked rhythm of these lines--and continuing the extended metaphor of planets/sun: spectacular!!
Dear @DefyGravityXD, I agree completely -- beautiful work. I love the strong but gentle voice in this poem, the breath-holding suspense as we follow the poet's journey, and I gottalove how the sunrise breaks forth at the end. Lovely . . . .
Dear @TwoKindEars, I love this! It has a haikuesque feeling --spare language, brief butstrong natural images, and the departure line winging off in a new direction.
Dear @helpfulPlace9028, I LOVE the theme!! The ending made me smile sooo much . . . .
Dear @WildRoseHorses,
Slam poetry is so interesting, and I lovethis one.
Given that slam poetry is performance poetry, I ordinarily find it isn't experienced best in print, which lacks the poet's vocal tone, pauses, pitch variations, volume variations, and (in some cases) anguished appeals to the audience.
But this poem has LOTS of power in print. The overall impact is wrenching ? I can only imagine what it?s like when you read it to a live audience!
For me, the strongest elements of the poem are the narrative elements rather than the metaphorical elements. What I mean is, I was impressed by the poet's ability to choose compelling moments within a string of events, and by the poet?s eye for the piercing detail to illustrate each moment. I was impressed by the poet's ability to perceive and select human feelings, actions and reactions to tell the story effectively.
With regard to imagery --the image of a heart torn out and ripped to shreds is not new, but the idea that the pieces are so tiny that not even the most tender hands and competent fingers can put the shreds back together? That image worked for me because it suggested that the person doing the shredding was extraordinarily thorough and energetic (and callous) in his or her destructive actions, and it further suggesteda level of injuryso devastating that love from others would not heal it, thus disabling the victim from responding to tender love in the future.
The severity of the damage is further portrayed by the reaction of self-protection: "Betrayal fresh in her heart she seeks a new path; one of secrecy and caution." That reaction rang soooo true to me!
There were other apt details that lent power, I felt. Although the idea that a merciless person would leave friends behind is fairly routine, the comment that most of them wouldn?t care anyway because they already knew it was a farce from the start -- that comment portrayed a group of cynical, world-weary young people ? chilling, in contrast to the trustful, warm, nae poet. Effective contrast, I thought.
In your intro to your poem, you requested constructive feedback, so I'll give some additional feedback, for whatever it?s worth --or not.
There were a few things that caused me some slight confusion or double-takes until I could re-read and figure things out. For example, the line ?I see you huddled in a corner? initially brought to mind a person hunched over, alone, isolated or in pain ? but then it turned out that the huddle was like a tight team huddle excluding others. I don?t know if anyone else had a similar double-take moment. Also, the line about how they couldn?t ?put it back together again? had (for me) an unintended echo of Humpty Dumpty.In addition, the word ?encircle? gives me a sense of something external to the body ? a belt encircling a waist, for example. So the idea of the wounds encircling her body caused me to stall and re-read several times to get the intended sense of it.
There were other things that I found comment-worthy, but I?ve said more than enough! (Old teachers leave the classroom but the passion for literature and budding writers doesn?t leave!
Please feel to send me a private message is you?d like to chat further about writing.)
Last, I think my favorite line was this one: ?Why do you feed my desperate soul these lies?? The idea of a ?hungry heart? goes back to Beowulf at least (and further, for all I know) and into contemporary music as well. But the marked rhythm of this line, together with the soul as desperate, had a strong impact.
Overall, this poem conveys a whirlwind of disillusionment and damagewith realintensity. Amazinglypowerful writingfrom such a young poet!Thank you for sharing it with us.
