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Blagfar
1,985 M Hopeful Heart 2
PathStep 73 Compassion hearts66 Forum posts53 Forum upvotes118 Current upvotes118 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2017 Member sinceMay 18, 2015
Bio
Well I guess I'll start with some good stuff cuz we all need more of that in our lives. I have many hobbies Including, whittling, blacksmithing, armoring, costuming, gardening, drawing, poetry, video games, programing, photoshop, I play guitar, and many more. I don't take myself as anything more than a beginner in any of these fields tho. I have 4 friends Irl that have been helping me through my life and I consider them more family than the people I live with. I love hugs, fluffy animals, and I tend to write with a lot of Ellipsis (...) but have refrained from it here to keep it more concise.

I'm dealing with depression, self harm, and Anxiety. as well as self hate and some other things. but i'm still here trying my best to overcome this, I still have a long way to go. I've been suicidal in the past, and it worry's me, but one day at a time and maybe one day I can finally see the reason to live like my friends have.
Recent forum posts
I just can't forgive myself
General Support / by Blagfar
Last post
October 15th, 2015
...See more I remember every single thing I've messed up. Every failure, every disapointment... Everything, and i just don't understand how you forgive yourself how you can forget these things. It keeps me up at night, all the regret, wishing i could do it over. I Guess what i'm asking is how do you forgive youself?
A note I had writen, last night... Its all my fault
Depression Support / by Blagfar
Last post
June 10th, 2015
...See more Its all my fault. I'm sorry I was to afraid to call you. I'm sorry I'm a failure. I'm sorry I push you away. I'm sorry I can't give more. I'm sorry I can't fight anymore. I'm sorry I'm depressing. I'm sorry I'm not worth fight for. I'm sorry I can't change. I'm sorry I disappoint you. I'm sorry I ruined everything. I'm sorry I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry I'm lazy. I'm sorry I don't want to get out of bed. I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations. I'm sorry I fell and couldn't get up. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I'm hurting myself. I'm sorry I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I don't have any ambitions. I'm sorry I'm not good at anything. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I'm sorry I can't push harder. I'm sorry I can't feel happy. I'm sorry I'd been held back. I'm sorry I'm stupid. I'm sorry I'm not smart. I'm sorry I'm not more patient. I'm sorry I can't sit still. I'm sorry I cried. I'm sorry Its all my fault.
I had a dream someone told me if if they could they would take all my pain
Depression Support / by Blagfar
Last post
May 27th, 2015
...See more so in my dream someone told me that if they could they would take all my pain.    and I laughed, and looked at them and told them that they couldn't take the pain I suffer. they looked at me and insisted that they could, how would I know if they could or not. I told them I know that they can't take the pain and sorrow I suffer, because even if they were as strong as I was, Its killing me, so it would kill them to. they stared at me, and told me, that might be true, but perhaps if I carried part of your burden, then you wouldn't need to be as strong. I looked at them and told them, I can't Put even a bit of this pain on them, I love them too much to weigh them down. that they should continue on without me, that they have something to fight for, leave me, no one will miss me. and he just looked at me, deep with this expression of woe on his face. and he bent down, and told me, I'm GOING to pull your ass through this regardless of if you don't think your worth it, I think your worth fighting for. and I just started crying. and he pulled me from the mud and shouldered me. and we walked off.   this was a dream I just had, after a nap. Idk I loved it. 
I Hate being so alone
Depression Support / by Blagfar
Last post
May 26th, 2015
...See more DON'T ignore me, I'd rather you beat me, I'd rather you told me that i'm not worth your time, i'd rather have you scream at me, but please don't you fucking ignore me, It hurts, when all i want is someone to talk with, and you sit there watching tv when i'm trying to talk with you, and you turn your back to me and walk away, when you end the Skype call abruptly without a word and continue to talk with others, when all i wanted was someone to play with and you'd rather go and play on you computer than sit on my carpet and play solders, when all i want is to show you the new music i got specifically for you to enjoy and all you want is to shoot me down and sit in silence, when all i wished for was to hear your voice and talk with you, and you go to play dolls with my sister, and you just sit in bed and watch tv, and you'd rather play world of warcraft, and you'd rather not have me here, if no one wants me, i'll just go away, i don't need to be here, just for you to turn your back on me...   now the thoughts of jumping in traffic come to mind, the thoughts of just leaning out the window and falling, the thoughts of leaping off of one of the cliffs near by, or tieing a rope around my neck and swinging.   and yes i understand that other people have lives to, I understand that you have other friends, i understand that my sister is your priority, i understand that it was a joke, i understand that you don't care, i understand that the show was more interesting, i understand that World of warcraft is waiting for you, I understand that you have more important things you can be doing other than being with me,   but don't invite me along on a car trip if you don't want to talk with me, but don't add me to your call if all your going to do is kick me and ignore me, but don't gift me toys that can only be played with two people and never play them with me, (ah thanks for rockum'sockum robots wanna play) but don't act like your listening if your just not,   maybe i should just not be here...
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