When I Knew I Had No Support

True friends are hard to come by. Racism and prejudice will always and continue to exist. Whether you're black, white, gay, Jewish, vegan, or w/e .. not everyone will like you. When people don't like you, nothing actually happens anyway. The world doesn't end. I found out, the more you ignore them and go about your business, the better off you are. I'm white and married to a Mexican. Half my in laws don't speak English. Our culture today places an extraordinary emphasis on material wealth .. A person's true worth is not determined by their net income! And jealousy .. jealousy is ugly. It's a channel through which we broadcast our insecurities basically. So, your friends were just abiding by today's stereotypical lifestyle and that is wrong. But I doubt any changes w/this anytime soon unfortunately. Just be happy w/who you are and live your own life. :)

@TransAm85

Thanks for invalidating my experience of racism and boiling it down to not having true friends

@CatPlum24 I dk how to take that, but I wasn't trying to be crude or mean in any way. It's reality. I've had all kinds of friends; black, white, hispanic, gay, Muslim, and gothics .. as people get older, they tend to go their own way as they figure out their future. It's selfish, but it's true. There's a quote: "What's Best for Business" .. A lot of fake ass women live by that and it really sucks. I remember one of my supposed best friends decided to leave me b/c I moved in a not such safe neighborhood when I was 23. She thought she was too good to drive over there .. I knew her since I was 13. Another one dissed me b/c his priority is material wealth and status - he's gay - and he thought my job as a janitor at the time was embarrassing to his circle of friends, so we parted ways. I knew him since high school. I just feel really bad for you. I know it hurts a lot. You just have to be strong and look forward to something better in your future. Accomplishing some goals, such as school or a new job.

@TransAm85

My "strength" will not conquer the racism I face. Stop trying to downplay the racism I experienced as just an experience of having 'bad friends' - its invalidating and rude.

Start your own forum thread if you want to talk about yourself and your bad friendships

This is my thread about RACISM

@TransAm85

Please leave this thread if you cannot provide support

Omg...I know that had to hurt like hell coming from someone you knew since a little girl...And on top of that no one defended you??? I am just hoping that maybe they were afraid to speak up. Cause this right here is just awful. Normally people ESPICIALLY your FRIENDS, should speak up and defend you when someone says something hurtful. None of them did. Bad on them. There no friends of yours. But don't let this situation keep you from making friends. I saw you put Trust Issues 100%. Theres alot of good gems in the world as you can tell by people on this site. Of course its easier said then done when your trust has been damaged by this situation. It is hard, but possible to restore trust. Just look at it this way. Building a wall around you keeps people out, but it also keeps you in...

@TheMad

My trust issues come from birth and they only grow by the day by dealing with rotten human beings.

And just a little bit about my current life - I have 0 friends and Im so messed up that I dont think I should even look for any because its a hopeless experience :)

@CatPlum24

I am so sorry that you think that way. Friendships are not a hopeless experience at all. I have the best friends ever and there only online. Which makes me see that there are good friends to have in this world. Which makes me want to go out in the real world and venture out those friendships.What you told me here doesn't make any sense. No one is born with trust issues, That's caused by emotional trauma of relationships and or friendships. And your trust issues gets worse day by day dealing with bad people? What about the good people? Have you not met none?Theres always ganna be rude,mean and nasty people. They got issues to, is why there like that. Don't absorb peoples negative energy. Theres alot more good in this world,than bad. believe it or not.

@CatPlum24

Oh sorry I misunderstood, You meant because your so messed up. Its hopeless for you to find friends. No it is not. Don't let this keep you from living your life. Work on whatever is messed up with you.

@TheMad

Thats kind of all I do - sit at home and then go to therapy appointment after therapy appointment

@celeano

This is the thread I was talking about....

@CatPlum24, sorry for not replying earlier - there was a slight typo in the username, so I didn't get notifications afterwards.

So let me add a little followup after dealing with that fake woke bigot from earlier

Here in the People of Color Support forum area, I am totally permitted to share my stories of racism and receive support from the community.

In no way should I have to be the only one who has to deal with others who seek to demean my experience to just "a bad time" or "bad friends"

When I come here to this forum space, I seek support from other people of color.

I do not come here to read the invalidating posts of "you need to get out more, love yourself, and get over it because racism is in the past"

Am I angry? Yes. Am I crying? Yes.

I'm sick to death of being treated like my personal traumatizing experiences are just little bumps to get over. And Im sick to death of being treated like a whiney second class person because I point out racism in my life and share it with others.

So screw all the prejudiced holes who think they can just wash over my past pains with a simple "get over it" message in this support space. I'm DONE with it

@squib @celaeno @yellowsub17 @krinkthemellowunicorn @yellowacres2128 @moj @lara @amelia

Hugs to you @CatPlum24 I'm so sorry this has happened and you're feeling so unsupported. I know how it feels to reach out for that support, and feel like you get nothing back in return...other than people telling you what you should do, or explaining the actions of others...not a good feeling at all. Your feelings and your experiences are valid, and I'm proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and sharing them with the community and reaching out for that support, cause I know how difficult that can be as well. Sending you love and hugs...wish there was more I could do. Know that you are loved dear CatPlum24...

@CatPlum24, I think you're absolutely right. No one has a right to invalid your experiences. You can feel whatever the situation makes you feel. No one don't get to decide if you can be hurt.

Please, don't get discouaraged and stop sharing your stories and insights on racism. From me who lives in the Central Europe, your posts are important first-hand source to broaden my knowledge how people of colour are disgraceful treated. I recognize your strong voice on this topic in our community and I think those we still lack a bit. You address issues that some people label as "exaggerations" and dissmiss as rare incidents. If anyone should get over it, it's those who don't see problem at all and pat each other's backs proudly, believing that we don't have any racial issues in 21th century.

I understand how tired you feel after defending over and over again your position and basic right to be honest with us. You feel left out and I'm sorry, lovely. I do not know who volounters from listeners to be a moderator of the PoC forums. I will tag @MonBon, so this could be adress by the Forum Friends team. Maybe we can do something to increase the activity in this forum section from other people of colour?

I think you deserve community support in wherever forum you post, just like any other member of 7Cups. I remember that you don't like to be hugged, so let me send you words of thanks for your strong spirit and all of the work you've done in our community so far. I wish you all the best, lovely.

Erratum: ...21st century...

@Celaeno

Since it is a new category - no one has applied to take care of this category yet. I'm putting up a "help wanted" soon that outlines all our weaknesses (where we need supporters, friends, category leaders, etc). Soon is relative though, as I'm only halfway through confirming all the category teammates and school got really busy again :-/ In the mean time though, a lovely forum teammate could host a meeting in the room encouraging current teammates to lend PoC a hand? Or a discussion in the PoC room about joining the forum team for that category?

@MonBon, great to hear you're outlining team efforts ^^ Hosting discussions sounds like a good plan. I don't feel up to leading them, but I think this is a great opportunity for the collab between Forum Friends and Stigma Warriors. I'll tag @NewRomantic677, @Cadence and @Anomalia to let them know that there is a need for the discussion on the PoC topics.

@CatPlum24 First time I've seen this thread... first, what a horrible experience to have a childhood friend express such a foul view!

And of course, I'm doubly sorry you're not getting the support you are here for... this is a reflection of the poor understanding of racism as a societal phenomenon on the part of those who most need to educate themselves and have the privilege of choosing not to do so. (I'm thinking mainly of the context of the US in my remarks, by the way.) Having friends or even relatives from other races or cultural backgrounds does not translate into a full understanding of racism as a social phenomenon, or even of its impacts on individuals. There is such a thing as racism on a personal level, but that's just one facet - all our interactions are embedded in a wider social system built on decades and centuries of racism.

Those of us who are not people of color have absolutely no standing to pontificate on the experiences of those who do live with less privileged identities. If we are serious about allevating the harms of racism, our first job is to listen. It is not to defend ourselves against feeling uncomfortable, or to assess just how great or small the problems "truly" are, or offer advice on how not to be affected by racist statements and actions. Our job is not to assure everyone that things are better today than they once were, or that I personally am not racist, that I am an ally, etc. To the degree that even matters, declarations of one's own purity are of no consequence in any case. It's what you choose to do and say about racism, not yourself, that will determine whether those words might have meaning; better just to keep them to yourself, because the last thing someone who has just suffered racial injustice truly cares about is whether some white person says he or she is anti-racist. As my sons' English teacher used to say, "Show, don't tell."

@CatPlum24 - agreed... given the areas we are in here, dismissing the impact of racism on someone's experience is particularly out of place.

@CatPlum24 I am sorry for the the pain and the hurt you have to go through for nothing you have done wrong. I am really glad that you wrote this forum to shine light on racism. You know, I didn't know that, and I appreciate you for writing it. For all the anger, the helplessless, the suffering, you holding all up in you, I am so sorry you bore them up on your own and that you had no support at all around. By the words of James Baldwin, "Please try to remember that what they believe, as well as what they do and cause you to endure does not testify to your inferiorty but to their inhumanity."

Wow...Was not expecting this here. How we ganna help eachother out if we just invalidating feelings now...This hurts me reading @CatPlum24 post about her not getting the support she needs. So let me say this. This forum requires you to be open-minded, willing to listen and understand the stories that you will be reading about racism. If you cannot do that, then do us a big favor and do not post. This is for the bright people who are willing to learn about this and for people actually providing some good support. And if you were trying to support and ended up invalidating feelings and experiences, and you reply "I wasn't trying to hurt you." Then if that is the case, Do some research on systematic and institutionalized racism and become knowledgeable on this subject, Then you can provide better support. And about this group not getting alot of participations being cause its new. It can be that, and or alot of people do not know how to help and or respond to topics of racism because racism is still a sensitve topic and alot of people are not knowledgeable of it, hell theres those that deny its existence today. But I hope MonBon's plan for getting more participations in here work though. Sorry If I sounded a bit aggressive in this post, just a little upset with the situation, especially when it reminds me of the forum topic of someone actually complaining about this group even being made! But this needs to happen inorder for things to change. Even when this group isn't about change. Rather you like it or not it's happening right now even by sharing a personal story. This goes to ring true "Personal is political." Thanks guys for those who do understand and provide good support!

@CatPlum24 I've had this experience over and over again with friends. I was raised and have lived mostly in predominantly white areas. It's frustrating, and after 35 years, exhausting. I hope you have found some good friends to stick to, or at least people who are willing to listen to you and learn.

You know. It's gonna be always like that. Life has to be hard. Or we are not living it right at all. We are gonna make mistakes. And they might be huge ones sometimes. But it's not the end. Maybe try to change those mistakes to benefits? Lessons? Try - keyword. You have to try. And stay strong. Patient. And positive. It's gonna be okay at some point. Even when stuff seems so bad. It has to be okay, you're gonna be happy one more time I promise.

@ItsOkay00 what lesson do you feel should be gained from this?