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CatPlum24
74,184 M Big Steps 6
PathStep 714 Compassion hearts2,927 Forum posts350 Forum upvotes417 Current upvotes417 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2018 Member sinceMarch 6, 2015
Bio
Depression, Anxiety, Adult Reactive Attachment Disorder, Self-hate, Cat lover

Recent forum posts
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When I Knew I Had No Support
Young People of Color / by CatPlum24
Last post
 August 17th, 2016
...See more So let me tell you a little story from my past. Just for some background - Im mixed race (white, black, hispanic) I was adopted into a white family, in a small white town. I always had friends to play with growing up. Race never became an issue until highschool - when after Hurricane Katrina, lots of black families from the affected areas moved to the area where I lived (in the north - cheap housing, great schools). So the difference between me and the other 5 black kids became apparent very quickly....especially in the way we talked.... MY STORY At a friends birthday party, Junior year of high school, my friends and I and some acquaintances from school gathered to play a party game. A word game. Everything was fun, until Elizabeth - who I had known since I was a little girl - said that all black people were bad and thieves....BOOM Now, I'd known this girl my whole life, we didnt hang out, but for a time in elementary school we were friends. Our older brothers knew each other. We played at each others houses. We werent thieves....We were nice :( But all of a sudden, because of my skin - I was bad. I tried to speak up and defend myself - "What do you mean?" She ignored me. Everyone did. Even my best friend Cassandra who sat across from me in the circle. No one said a word - not one "that's not nice" or "come on don't be mean" or "Catplum is right there...why would you say that!?!" NOTHING FROM NO ONE.... I got up and left the party and drove home in tears. You never know whos a racist until they say some shit. And you never know who supports you, until they see something not right and decide to look away and ignore it. Trust Issues +100
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Racism & Toxic Environments on Campus
Young People of Color / by CatPlum24
Last post
 January 31st, 2016
...See more See this interesting article from Psychology Today [https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/culturally-speaking/201601/confronting-toxic-racial-climate] Hopefully in the future, college/university wont be such a toxic environment for scholars of color
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#OscarsSoWhite & Why BET Exists
Young People of Color / by CatPlum24
Last post
 March 22nd, 2017
...See more Theres so much outrage over the fact that no actor of color (black, asian, latino, etc) has been nominated for an Academy Award for Acting this year. A lot of reasons I am hearing from the ignorant is because "Blacks segregate themselves by keeping a 'Blacks-only TV Channel - BET" *SCREECHING HALT* Umm....if BET didnt exist, the extent of non-whites on tv would still be less than half of what is out there. Count the number of talked about and loved tv shows. Now count the ones that STAR a person who is not-white. (not counting sassy side-kicks that are there just for laughs and have no characterization) BET was created when I was a little girl - back when the only "coloreds" on tv were Oprah Winfrey, men in major sports, and servants. I didnt have a barbie - I had a Pocahantas one, but I knew I wasnt her, my hair didnt look like that (LOL) - so I played with animals instead. Anything to feel less alone and hidden away like the girl I looked like from A Little Princess [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113670/] . The Spice Girls were revolutionary to me as a kid - there was a brown woman with curly hair for god sakes! OMG! MIND BLOWN! Things are changing, yes, but the reason things like BET exist is so African-americans can have representation on TV and in films of their own. Black people werent written into classic films as major players. I still remember the joy I felt when I saw Samuel L Jackson in 'Jurassic Park'! "Wow! He doesnt play sports! Hes smart and nerdy like me!" I never watched that BET channel, the content doesnt really suit my style (I prefer Lord of the RIngs/Game of Thrones stuff) But it still matters to me that I can see Blacks on tv beyond the typical roles of: Gangster, loud sassy woman, prositute, pimp, soul singer, hoodlum I've never seen a young lady on tv like me. We geeks/punks are left out like we dont exist. Maybe thats why I loved the Hunger Games series - because the character Beatty was a nerdy black man (I wish it were a woman, but thats another issue) And dont even get me started on the representation of other races - all unfairness makes me angry - but I can only speak for my experience, I dont want to pretend to know all about the issues of others. Im glad things have progressed, but I'd like to exist in a world where Award winning films can show someone like me in them - not a slave woman, but a regular middle-class woman of color who isnt there just for sex with giant boobs and a giant butt. Where are the plain blacks? The church-going blacks? One show about a black family is cute, but why do I only get one source of representation, and then get pushed to the side or used to fill a "quota" as a side kick :( Sorry this was all over the place, I just wanted to get out some of my feelings about everything Ive been seeing lately that has started to hit me hard.
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The Definition of This Help Group
Young People of Color / by CatPlum24
Last post
 August 24th, 2018
...See more @QuickJazz Theres already bigots going on about the "reverse racism" and the "positive discrimination" on this site due to this safe space for people of color. Would you be so kind as to put HERE on 7cups what the purpose of this group is for so I can stop making holes in my wall?
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Racism & Suicide
Young People of Color / by CatPlum24
Last post
 February 3rd
...See more I finally found something as proof that racism is damaging on suicide.org http://www.suicide.org/racism-and-suicide.html Usually when I bring up racism here on 7cups, Im brushed off because its not that big of a deal right? WRONG! WRONG WRONG!!!!! I have suffered from social anxiety first and foremost because of the racist country I was raised in and still live in today. The fear of being different and being hated for it. This fear has affected my relationships to the point where I developed depressed. This ofcourse occurred when I was around 10 years old. Now that im 25 and totally alone due to my issues, the least I can do is bother the people whos intolerance has led me to be so unhappy.
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No Hope, No Life
Depression Support / by CatPlum24
Last post
 December 22nd, 2015
...See more I'm 25 and I have no friends. I have had depression and anxiety for 15 years (just celebrated my anniversary) I have a therapist, but that's the only support I have. Friends are like fish, except I have to look good while fishing and like a fisherman, no fish wants me around. Thats usual for me. I keep friends for a little while, then I get comfortable with them and show what I'm really like and how I feel, and then my 'friends' disappear because I'm too depressed/a downer/uncool/etc... I only live for my cats right now. And the only way I can cope is by smoking weed and drinking to make my brain stop thinking/ruminating on bad things all the time. Its not like I have anyone to talk to the other hours of the day im not at therapy. I work freelance, it's stable for me because I work hard and I only have work in my life, but I often don't get along with my coworkers because I'm usually one of the youngest in the office. That is changing very fast and makes me feel worse - soon i'll be older and I still wont fit in. Im very socially anxious, so I'm scared to go out of my apartment and have people see me. I don't like being stared at, it makes me really self conscious. I have no self esteem and no confidence. Going outside makes me see all the things I want and can't have - like friends and love and fun. Talking in person is hard for me because my words get jumbled. People make me nervous. Thats why I prefer talk online or text. I can't even call a suicide hotline because talking on the phone makes me nervous. I've stayed away from people for so long that I don't really know the norms, especially for my age group, and that makes me feel even more freakish. I don't have much experience in life and human stuff (relationships, sex, friendships, etc). And dont tell me thats normal, I cant even look at social media as all I see are people from highschool getting married, having kids, and buying houses - yet here is catplum, 25 and still single - because who wants to be around a depressed, ugly loser? Ive tried internet friends but no one wants to talk to me and most of the time I'm so depressed that I dont have any interests. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. Ive tried a lot but nothing holds my attention for more than 15 minutes to be honest. Same with tv shows The only people who have ever listened to me and cared about my thoughts or how I'm doing are my therapists. People I pay to care. That is very upsetting to me. I even feel pathetic writing this forum post as I know no one will read it and want to help support me. People don't comfort me anymore because I am so familiar with them letting me down and leaving me alone again. I dont think they ever have, as I suffer from RAD - reactive attachment disorder. I never learned to trust. Being ditched my friends over and over, dealing with racism, and not ever being welcomed into a group, has helped me reinforce this idea. Even here on 7cups Im told I have friends, but when the time comes to step up and comfort me or defend me, no one is around....funny isnt it? I feel disgusting in my own body. Ive never been regarded as beautiful, so when random people on the internet tell me, I know its a lie just to make me feel better. "Everyone is beautiful" is the worst lie I've ever been told. My skin is too dark, my hair is too nappy, and I have no style or good clothes. Did I mention my hair is disgusting? I straightened it and my boss told me that with my hair done like that (the way society tells me - re:not curly) I have a chance to get married. My current option: plastic surgery to have a more caucasian looking nose, and to straighten my hair/wear straight wigs. In short, I hate my self and have nothing to live for except useless capitalistic achievements and keeping my cats fed. Once my cats die, I wont have any left. But sure, tell me im beautiful and that my life as a rape-baby given up for adoption has worth and meaning. I'll sit here drinking and wait, and wait and wait and wait and spend all my money on therapy. And still I'll wait....just like I have for the last 15 years. Im going to wait and watch my life go by as I sit and watch everyone else my age from my window....seeing them with friends, loved ones, and people who want them around. I will also wait for anyone to remember who I am....that is, if you havent forgotten already (And dont refer me as suicidal, I dont pay $1000/month for therapy, and $250/session for my psychiatrist for nothing)
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