I never developed an idea of "self"
Not this is a very long post and I recommend only reading it if you are interested in one of the main struggles vulnerable narcissists deal with.
Hello there. It's paradoxical that I'm stating this because I even struggle to define what I struggle and can't admit that I struggle. It's hard to understand if you never expirienced it. It sort of feels like you are just adopt every thought about yourself everyone makes. But you would never say you do this without some authority telling it to you.
As narcissistic personality disorder patient (NPDP) this is the main struggle I have to face. I feel so empty, lonely, emtionless and numb that I can't even cry or admit that I feel ANYTHING. That is because I never truly developed an idea or a connection to my inner self. The "normal" NPDP experiences struggles in parenting and does not get accepted or feels rejected. (unplanned parenthood, anxious/aggressive behavior, hypersensitive registration of problems within the family, etc.) They need to "fit in" because it's the instinct to survive. You are vulnerable to you surrounding and if you feel like you could loose the protection (parents, when they criticise you e.g.).
Now, so called vulnerable (or hidden) narcissists aren't the stereotype of the drunk, agressive, reckless father who is beating up his wife and suppressing everybody at work because they feel as if they are the center of the universe. That is the grandiose type. These people often go "undiagnosed" because they never feel the need of treatment. Their destruction is turned outwards, to others, while the vulnerable narcissists bottles up their feelings because of the fear of being unaccepted from others.
I always feel inferior to others, but obsessivly try to find out what I'm better at so I can feel that I'm superior to them, so they can't harm me. Also, the problem that I stated first, to never ever developing any sense of "me" is because I was never accepted as who I am since my childhood. My curiosity was always told to be annoying. My feelings were "talked" away ("You don't need to be sad, you got everything!"; "Why are you anxious? We are all here.", "Don't look so sad"), I always was the "good" guy who does and knows everything better (this often causes star-kids to collaps because of the pressure that goes along with this overestimation) "Now look at Erik, he is so good and brave and nice, BE LIKE HIM!""Oh! He is doing everything so well. Lucky kid. He is so good at everything" Yeah. But only because I pressured myself to do so to keep the right to even exist.
This created very deep scars I'm currently healing. I don't feel when I say "I love you" I don't know if I'm really anxious, I don't know if I feel ANYTHING or am sure about ANYTHING I wrote here. I'm not sure if I'm struggleing or pretending. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the real problem. I have no idea about me. Not just about my goals in life, who I am, what I want (that changes every two weeks tbh), but also WHAT I FEEL. I never every created feelings on my own. I'm adapting everything. This also was the first step I HAD to take in therapy. To adept the idea that I'm a NPDP. Because I myself would never state that, the therapist had to tell it to me, so I'm just adapting this idea. Because without it I would feel as lost as all the last 4-5 years. The first step, as funny as it sounds, was to believe something someone says to me, because I would never believe it myself even if that is what I have to learn, I would never make progress without knowing what I'm going through because I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHAT. I. FEEL.
Hope this clears things up. Any NPDPs who can relate? Or anyone who feels the same?
Cheers & lots of love,
Erik