to BPD or not to BPD

@Shipwreck

have you looked at OCD and egodystonic thoughts?

@JASCHUYLER

i have not! what is that?? i kinda looked into ocd before because a lot of my anxious tendancies do lean that way, but its like i get patches of it that last about a month.. and then i go back to being happy or generaly quite low or empty. like my 'normal' changes a lot ?

@Shipwreck

for how it was explained to me, egodystonic thoughts are when your brain thinks something and then you fear the possibility of it happening. In my case, it was suicide. I would be happy and walking along and then my brain would creep in and I'd think, "I could just jump off this bridge here or in front of that car and I'd die." And then I'd freak out because I DID NOT want to die, but my brain would be giving me all these images and thoughts of doing it to the point where I started to question whether I really did want to die.

when you said you were worried about acting violently but that you weren't an angry person, it made me think of egodystonic thoughts, which is often related to the unwanted thoughts that come with OCD.

Not sure if it helps, but good luck!!

@JASCHUYLER

oh no I think the suggestion was great! a lot of my thoughts were OCD style thinking I could turn into a bad person because I thought of it. but the reason i usually have had fears like this in the past is i often feel un-sure about who i am and what my future will be, and this changes a lot too haha.. I guess I related it to BPD because I now have a yearly history of emotional distress linked to the people in my life, a parent leaving, me leaving friends, boyfriends leaving me.. emotional abuse from people i should have seen as role models and really early childhood physical abuse by another child my age 'friend' .. anyways the last 5 years have been me going in and out of panic and depression despite knowing better 'i should be able to cope, ive got no reason to get like this over and over again' i just find it difficult to come to put a name to whatever has been going on.

@JASCHUYLER

Oh wow! i've had those thoughts before and they're scary! I didn't know they had a name though!

I appreciate your punny title :) I think its always worth seeking additional support if youre not satisfied with your diagnosis, if you dont think that it fits or that its not accurate. In my experience, mental health professionals avoid the BPD diagnosis as much as possible. Ive been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar for years and at my last hospitalization my discharge diagnoses were: Anxiety and Major Depression, but because Ive been in treatment since 2012 and have the proper treatment team and type of therapy Im not going to try to negate it, though I felt like they missed an important piece by not including my BPD and bipolar diagnoses as those are the ones I identify with the most.

Im so sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety and panic. It definetly sounds really challenging. Im sorry you are struggling with your boyfriend as well. It sounds like he cares, but he is worried about your mental health… its not fair to feel like a liability. You are definitely not a bad person waiting to happen. Childhood traumas can definitely lead to BPD, especially when left unaddressed.

Im not sure what the mental health system is like where you are, but I would try seeing a different professional and talk to them about your concerns. It sounds like the people you are seeing are brushing off a lot of the things youre dealing with.

Feeling confused is understandable and I hope youre able to get the support you need, whatever that looks like

@InvaderStitch

i'm glad your getting the support you need :)

Thank you! yeah i felt like the nurse i saw really did not want to put any sort of lable on how i was feeling, the therapy was just to get me back on my feet and was in no way a long term soloution for the problems i had, it was a kind of CBT and looking at my medications.. i don't know how i would get this looked into unless i went private because the mental health care is only aimed at severe cases over here... and when i was in that bracket i did not get told i had anything wrong with me ... as far as they were concerned i was in 'crisis' and i'd get better...

I do feel like perhaps i'm wanting more care than i need or there just is not the facilities over here where i am in the UK to have someone with the time to concider me to have long term issues despite my history, at my current state which is probably depressive tendancies from the episode i had last year... i don't know i just don't want to wait for it to get bad again and end up where i started.