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Shipwreck
5,048 M Seeking Light 8
PathStep 55 Compassion hearts773 Forum posts38 Forum upvotes27 Current upvotes27 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2022 Member sinceApril 2, 2016
Bio
I have anxiety and depression, also being assessed for other things that go hand in hand with my abandonment issues and fear of uncertainty (yada yada, many unpleasant coping strategies and far too emotional!)... hoping to make the best out of my previous awful situations. despite my mental health i'm an artist.. and i have volunteer jobs helping with youth and mental health awareness :)
Recent forum posts
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CBT + DBT the story so far
Personality Disorders Support / by Shipwreck
Last post
 June 14th, 2017
...See more Hey all, i mentioned recently i started cbt and it became clear ealrly on that DBT would also help.. so we are doing both, and so far things have been really positive! The main focus in my first few sessions is just being aware of whats going on in my bran, and accepting extreme emotions and my anxiety issues. First i'll start with the books i've been recommended and the ones i've read so far: 'Calming the emotional storm by sheri van dijk' - this has given me an insight into recognising the emotions and various mindfullness techniques that ca help you with that, this is more of an introduction to what DBT is and how it can help, rather than something detailed for BPD although Sheri developed the DBT for BPD, this book was simplified so anyone with emotional dysregulation can work through it :) 'the art of empathy by karla mclaren' - i have loved this book! this book is all about empathy and how you can be hyperaware of other peoples emotions and what effect this has on you (i struggle with very high empathy like the author, who talkes about her experiences) and this book is all about not demonising your emotions... there are no bad emotions! this has helped me so much in thinking about how i repress some emotions and over-react to others.. klara gives solid advice on noticing these emotions and gives you exersises to help regulate them. (i reccoment the audiobook, she is lovely to listen to) other books ive been recommended and not gotten around to reading yet :P : Managing intense emotions and overcoming self-destructive habits by Loraine bell (i'll add to this in the comments as there are a lot of books ive been given to read) some of the exersises that have been explained to me and how it affects the thought prosses: this week we focused on my low self worth and how i might be re-inforcing that in my mind.. and it goes a little bit like this.. low self worth > cognitive bias or un-helpful thinking > a personal sense of failure or malfunctioning > overgeneralising my emotions and self worth > re-inforcing the low self worth ok i'll try and explain.. a cognitive bias or un-helpful thinking or irrational thoughts are the things you tell yourself or the mental bias you have that affects how you react. for example.. one of my bias is 'magical thinking' so beliveing that how i think of myself is how others think of me.. 'i feel like an awful person so my friend must also think so too' other cognitive bias that you can look up online are and you might have heard of a few already: all or nothing thinking (it will be perfect or a disaster, no grey area) mind reading or magical thinking (they must hate me despite my lack of proof) Catastrophizing ( making a mountain out of a molehill, or taking a thought to the most extreme end outcome) there are a ton more of these bias that can affect how you personaly process information, the above just happen to be the ones i struggle with most! anyway, how the above steps can affect me 'i feel awful' > 'i will never be happy' > i'm a failure for feeling this way > re-inforcing the original thoughts... another way this can affect you and an exersise you can use to figure yourself out is writing down how something plays out.. like this: write down what you feel think in each of the following, the situation or initial trigger (what happened) > the altered thinking (all or nothing, extreme or unhelpful thoughts) > altered feelings and altered physical symptoms (how did this make me feel emotionaly and what physical symtoms did i have) > altered behavior (what did you do as a result of the altered thoughts/emotions?) for example in my case: I was going to get the bus but it is busy > 'i'll panic' 'i'll lose control on the bus' 'i'll never handle busy spaces' > this made me feel nervous, anxious and guilty, i then felt shaky and my heart rate sped up' > i did not get on the bus because of this. the above will not only help you figure out how you react, but can also help you find individual triggers and what in particular you can't deal with, in my case the anxiety from telling myself i'll panic on the bus made me avoid it and then feel more anxious because i did not face that fear, making a vicious cycle of thought. i know i'm no therapist and i'm sorry if this is difficult to read! but i hope it might help with anyone looking to start CBT or try out a few of the exersises :)
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i don't know how to feel?
Personality Disorders Support / by Shipwreck
Last post
 June 2nd, 2017
...See more so a very long term relationship of mine has ended, and to be honest... ive not really been on my own for very long, my last relationship kinda ended and i felll into another (recent breakup) but i'm haveing serious trouble knowing how i should feel. my ex wants to stay friends and we only talk casualy every now and again.. but it brings me intense anxiety because i can't dislike him, or love him.. i have no idea how to feel in this 'friendship' and everytime i find myself trying to care i try and reject the feeling = more anxiety, or when i'm disliking him or finding comfort not being in the relationship i end up hating myself for being the bad person.. i don't know. i just feel so weird. just thinking about him makes me anxious and it does not help that the last time i saw him i had a panic attack (i've suffered with ocd like intrusive thoughts that re-appeared when he came to visit) and anxiety that lasted until he went home again. we were in a long distance realationship for the last 2 years does anyone else get like this?
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being told new things... good thing?
Personality Disorders Support / by Shipwreck
Last post
 May 19th, 2017
...See more so ive been isolating myself and feeling generly kinda overwhelmed since i had my first CBT appointment yesterday... most because so many new things were said! things i had not even considered and i felt like years of treatment for my anxiety and depression were just sweeping aside the core issues ive been dealing with for A VERY LONG TIME. anyway, prepare for a rant and a bit of an insight into what i was told and what i spoke about when me and my therapist were working out how CBT would help me.... First things first, this was the first person to ask about my history and abandonment issues and how i feel it affects my emotions and relationships, i wanted to cry when he said my generalised anxiety disorder diagnosis was 'messy' considering the lenghth of time and variety of symptoms i told him about. he expected me to have low empathy after he asked a lot of questions about sicidal tendancies and self harm (this was extremely uncomfortable as i had recently come out of a 'crisis' where i had ended up in outpatient check up style meetings with a CPN)... and rather suprised when i said the very opposite, i'm extremely empathetic and really can read people very well... its just intense. he mentioned that i could be having trouble regulating my emotions and expressing them, emotional regulation distruption or something... mentioned i'm like an engine running too fast when i only need an average speed. it made so much sence. i explained i'd been diagnosed with 'accute anxiety' and depression in the past but they never really got resolved, and i always felt 'wrong' or like i was eperiencing things too intensely... probably leading to the anxiety as i internalise all this instead of 'acting out' i take negative emotions out on myself. i got recommened a lot of books to read (one on empathy and like 4 others around anxiety and depression) and ive just started reading 'calming the emotional storm' (the only book that looked at DBT he recommended) and i feel like it makes so much sence that its not just been anxiety driving my lack of a steady job and difficulty making friendships and trusting others... like really its like i'm actually geting close to whats been wrong for so long. i'm crazy hopeful things can finally get sorted and someone wants to take the time to help.. really help. i'll be keeping you all posted with any usefull skills and things i learn <3
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scary emotions.
Personality Disorders Support / by Shipwreck
Last post
 May 9th, 2017
...See more Hi all, i've posted before about my confusion with my diagnosis which is currently 'acute anxiety and depression' but a big change has made me a little scared and really confused. basicaly my boyfriend has started the breakup conversation.. and its been a mature and very civil discussion about us just going different ways, and thats ok. i get it. But my emotions have been going from 0 to 100 and back again for me not to really understand how i'm expressing myself... i'm very good at repressing emotions, but the last couple of days it feels like there is an on/off switch in my head.. one moment i'll be crying feeling sick and panicking.. and then hours inbetween i'll be feeling empty and void of any of these feelings sometimes moments after crying. and these flips are really scary... making me feel like i can't control my greif or when i need to express it... like i'll have this pressure i cant release and then whenever my brain feels like it.. the floodgates open. but no inbetween. my question is, does this sound familiar to BPD?
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to BPD or not to BPD
Personality Disorders Support / by Shipwreck
Last post
 April 24th, 2017
...See more Hey all, sorry for the poor attempt at a pun for the title.. anyhoo ive been looking into BPD after a recent bout of therapy left me confused about my only diagnosis being 'acute anxiety' and ive suffered with a few seperate bouts of depression ove the last few years... i know you won't be able to diagnose me here but i'm wondering if i should be seeking some help? I recently had an episode that left me hugely confused and honsetly quite traumatized at the extent my brain could run off on its own... about november time i had about a month of intense and un-controlable panic attacks revolving around the idea i might hurt someone or lose my temper (i'm not an angry person, if i was angry i don't know how to express it.. which is probably the source of my panic) i ended up being put into seeing a mental health nurse every week for around 3 months ended up in a&e for suicidal thoughts after i was discharged the first time, i had some workbooks but it was mostly just a weekly check in until i was no longer 'an acute case' which means i can look after myself, i ended up in therapy for a few reasons... one. my panic attacks and negative thougthts made me want to die, two: my ssri medication was put up and instead of getting better i was a lot worse, confused and extremely emotional. now i'm back on my regular dose of meds with no changes bar an extra for my panic attacks to be taken as and when.. as for why the thoughts even started, it was after i visited my boyfriend, i was making plans to move over and live with him a lot of what he said was 'what if you get ill again??' like i was a liability, and i think thats when i started putting too much pressure on myself and questioning my own self 'what if i'm a bad person just waiting to happen' As for the bpd, i have a history of childhood issues, mum leaving when i was young, new lady being un-supportive of me in my teens and my dad being away a lot, uni i had depression because i was alienated by my flatmates (for being too shy or not outgoing enough idk) and then moving in with my mum... i was told in the past i had abandonment issues by a counsellour in uni, the doctor said i had an anxiety disorder, then the next year i went on medication for depression.. and the depression got better after a year, then worse again in the winter and then the year after is when i had the anxiety mentioned above. I just don't know what to do, how do i even ask to be seen again by a proffesional.. and will depression and mildly self destructive behaviours even get me past my GP ( local doctor) when the assesents i did ended up with them telling me i just had 'anxiety and low mood' in all honesty after i was discharged the second time i had a new lease of life, i was more confident and i was doing tons... now i just feel back at the begining again, but instead of panic attacks i'm extremely low and find myself spacing out just to not be here so i feel tied + empty a lot.. my recent low mood was when my bf came over for a suprise and because i was so shocked i had a panic attack + extremely high anxiety the whole time he was over and beat myself up over it when he left... I mean the only bit of the BPD descriptions i have not related to is angry outbursts.. i just don't get angry, i panic and panic a lot.. or just get upset, and as with being impulsive i'm usually able to talk myself down or run away from a situation. I generally don't act out agressively or dramaticly besides going in on myself and doing things like staying away from people + denying myself to care for me like getting food or getting dressed, or at worst causing some injury to myself in secret. i get a lot of feelings of being 'wrong' or 'not good enough' as well as going from thinking my life is perfect to really hating whats going on... including relationships with other people. would i even get treated any differently if i did get this looked into? i'm feeling so confused.. also feel like im making a huge deal out of nothing, what if it is just anxiety + depression and i'm just thinking too much... (thanks for reading) <3
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intrusive thoughts making me sick.
General Support / by Shipwreck
Last post
 February 6th, 2017
...See more *this could be triggering to anyone suffering from panic attacks or intrusive thoughts* Ok so i know why this happened a second time but the emotion is so raw it really terrified me, basicaly one day i caught a bus, got mildly irratated and thought, 'what if i hit someone?' this lead me to have a full blown panic attack and vomit due to the intensity of the fear, i know i would not hurt anyone and i am not an angry or violent person, the thought alone triggred me to panic and that made me feel like i was losing control, that i could just as easily lash out on someone else... the whole thing was awful, because of the thoughts i couldent stand being around anyone trying to comfort me that day. anyway, this happened a second time today, i was on the bus and i remembered this happening, suddenly i had the urge to get off the bus to calm myself, i felt so trapped and scared. i tried reasoning with myself 'i would not even hurt a fly, what could i even do?!' and as soon as i thought of anything vaguely menacing i had all the symptoms of a panic attack wash over me aside from shaking and crying.. which helps release that tension... i was proud i did not have a meltdown on the bus, but i was obsessing over the thought and then my hands, like they alone would reach out and grab without my consent. as soon as i stepped off i vomited into a hedge, i was so disgusted with myself for having thoughts i could not control, even though i know i would not act on it to cut it short the main triggering thought was, if i could lose control of my anxiety, why not my anger i have never expressed? i have a horrible phobia of anger and expressing it, like i'll open something i can't close and it will get worse... i just need somone to tell me im not crazy because the severity of the panic attack made me not want to leave the house again. sorry if this was too much.
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