to BPD or not to BPD
Hey all, sorry for the poor attempt at a pun for the title.. anyhoo ive been looking into BPD after a recent bout of therapy left me confused about my only diagnosis being 'acute anxiety' and ive suffered with a few seperate bouts of depression ove the last few years... i know you won't be able to diagnose me here but i'm wondering if i should be seeking some help?
I recently had an episode that left me hugely confused and honsetly quite traumatized at the extent my brain could run off on its own... about november time i had about a month of intense and un-controlable panic attacks revolving around the idea i might hurt someone or lose my temper (i'm not an angry person, if i was angry i don't know how to express it.. which is probably the source of my panic) i ended up being put into seeing a mental health nurse every week for around 3 months ended up in a&e for suicidal thoughts after i was discharged the first time, i had some workbooks but it was mostly just a weekly check in until i was no longer 'an acute case' which means i can look after myself, i ended up in therapy for a few reasons... one. my panic attacks and negative thougthts made me want to die, two: my ssri medication was put up and instead of getting better i was a lot worse, confused and extremely emotional. now i'm back on my regular dose of meds with no changes bar an extra for my panic attacks to be taken as and when.. as for why the thoughts even started, it was after i visited my boyfriend, i was making plans to move over and live with him a lot of what he said was 'what if you get ill again??' like i was a liability, and i think thats when i started putting too much pressure on myself and questioning my own self 'what if i'm a bad person just waiting to happen'
As for the bpd, i have a history of childhood issues, mum leaving when i was young, new lady being un-supportive of me in my teens and my dad being away a lot, uni i had depression because i was alienated by my flatmates (for being too shy or not outgoing enough idk) and then moving in with my mum... i was told in the past i had abandonment issues by a counsellour in uni, the doctor said i had an anxiety disorder, then the next year i went on medication for depression.. and the depression got better after a year, then worse again in the winter and then the year after is when i had the anxiety mentioned above.
I just don't know what to do, how do i even ask to be seen again by a proffesional.. and will depression and mildly self destructive behaviours even get me past my GP ( local doctor) when the assesents i did ended up with them telling me i just had 'anxiety and low mood' in all honesty after i was discharged the second time i had a new lease of life, i was more confident and i was doing tons... now i just feel back at the begining again, but instead of panic attacks i'm extremely low and find myself spacing out just to not be here so i feel tied + empty a lot.. my recent low mood was when my bf came over for a suprise and because i was so shocked i had a panic attack + extremely high anxiety the whole time he was over and beat myself up over it when he left...
I mean the only bit of the BPD descriptions i have not related to is angry outbursts.. i just don't get angry, i panic and panic a lot.. or just get upset, and as with being impulsive i'm usually able to talk myself down or run away from a situation. I generally don't act out agressively or dramaticly besides going in on myself and doing things like staying away from people + denying myself to care for me like getting food or getting dressed, or at worst causing some injury to myself in secret. i get a lot of feelings of being 'wrong' or 'not good enough' as well as going from thinking my life is perfect to really hating whats going on... including relationships with other people.
would i even get treated any differently if i did get this looked into? i'm feeling so confused.. also feel like im making a huge deal out of nothing, what if it is just anxiety + depression and i'm just thinking too much... (thanks for reading) <3
I appreciate your punny title :) I think its always worth seeking additional support if youre not satisfied with your diagnosis, if you dont think that it fits or that its not accurate. In my experience, mental health professionals avoid the BPD diagnosis as much as possible. Ive been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar for years and at my last hospitalization my discharge diagnoses were: Anxiety and Major Depression, but because Ive been in treatment since 2012 and have the proper treatment team and type of therapy Im not going to try to negate it, though I felt like they missed an important piece by not including my BPD and bipolar diagnoses as those are the ones I identify with the most.
Im so sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety and panic. It definetly sounds really challenging. Im sorry you are struggling with your boyfriend as well. It sounds like he cares, but he is worried about your mental health… its not fair to feel like a liability. You are definitely not a bad person waiting to happen. Childhood traumas can definitely lead to BPD, especially when left unaddressed.
Im not sure what the mental health system is like where you are, but I would try seeing a different professional and talk to them about your concerns. It sounds like the people you are seeing are brushing off a lot of the things youre dealing with.
Feeling confused is understandable and I hope youre able to get the support you need, whatever that looks like
@InvaderStitch
i'm glad your getting the support you need :)
Thank you! yeah i felt like the nurse i saw really did not want to put any sort of lable on how i was feeling, the therapy was just to get me back on my feet and was in no way a long term soloution for the problems i had, it was a kind of CBT and looking at my medications.. i don't know how i would get this looked into unless i went private because the mental health care is only aimed at severe cases over here... and when i was in that bracket i did not get told i had anything wrong with me ... as far as they were concerned i was in 'crisis' and i'd get better...
I do feel like perhaps i'm wanting more care than i need or there just is not the facilities over here where i am in the UK to have someone with the time to concider me to have long term issues despite my history, at my current state which is probably depressive tendancies from the episode i had last year... i don't know i just don't want to wait for it to get bad again and end up where i started.