When do you tell potential partners?

@sashurss You are not your diagnosis. Put your best foot forward. Your date will find out about your BPD when you two decide to establish an actual relationship. Think of dating as casual and lighthearted.

That is a great topic you bring up here @sashurss and one that is probably on the hearts and minds of most of us with a BPD diagnosis. I personally have seen that the label we have within the mental illness community can be a double edged sword. On the one hand, they provide understanding, community and a pathology to our symptoms where we otherwise felt lost or alone. On the other, it comes along w/ a set of stigmas and judgments, often reiterated by our society and popular media which makes real life interactions within those labels all the more difficult. Having said that- I think the bringing up of this label is a tricky process, esp within a dating scenario. I think, personally, it is important for the person I am dating to get to know me, without any labels, until we see if there is any chemistry or potential ie if bringing up these deeper issues is even necessary. It really depends on the person and I am open to the general conversation on mental health before discussing either of our own personal struggles, and find that the right person for me has an open minded and compassionate view towards this topic, in a general sense (This is a quality I find essential to be successful in a relationship w/ someone who experiences any level of mental illness.) So I dont think there is an exact number of dates, per say, but more a level of comfort and getting to a point where you know if sharing those deeper parts of yourself (whether it is a mental health diagnosis or a past experience that was difficult) is safe and worth exploring.

~Staci

While I do worry about the stigma and how much misinformation is out there, I am very upfront about my bpd. I do not cover my self injury scars and as such most people are curious and ask. I am not really interested in getting to know someone who is not atleast willing to get to know me, not just my scars or what they might think they know about bpd or mental illness.

I think this is really a case by case basis. Some people are perfectly comfortable being forthcoming. I do not operate with emotional walls, for example. It's just not the way I'm wired (although I do have walls in terms of physical affection- which is something I am working on). But I will say it takes a certain compassion and willingness to understand from potential partners. One of my most significant relationships suffered because of his unwillingness to accept it. That said, validity is hugely important. "THOSE WHO MATTER DON'T MIND, AND THOSE WHO MIND DON'T MATTER." Unfortunately, stigma is a very real battle to overcome. I wish you nothing but the best in hoping to connect with someone in a meaningful way, someone who can separate the wonderful you from your illness.

I totally agree that stigma is everywhere, every website saying that being with borderline person is a nightmare and scars you for life and it's only pain. C'mon, isn't it pain for us too ? Recently I found myself able to open up a bit and told a guy i was dating that I'm borderline. There was this silence so I asked if he knew what that is? "Hm.. something about problems with too many sexual partners?". Then he made a joke that probably I diagnosed myself through internet questionnaire...

I tend to warn people who pursue me, as much as possible, that I'm crazy. I don't tell them exactly how until the time is appropriate/necessary, but that is just my personal preference. It's often best practice to be up front and honest with your partners, and when I ask my boyfriend if he would have preferred me tell him I have BPD when we first got together instead of a year later, he said it wouldn't have made a difference. So I guess it truly depends on you, your situation and your significant other. Definitely put out feelers on how well they handle, uhm, instability, though. :P

For me, it's a matter of trust - how much rapport have I built with this person?

I think I instinctually feel these things out, but I think what's ultimately important is that if someone runs or pushes you away for your diagnosis, instead of investing in understanding it, then that's a sign that they are not going to treat you the way you deserve.

I agree with @KoiFish that you are not your diagnosis. Don't feel obligated to tell anyone at any time, it's about building something, and the way you want to build it is up to you. BPD doesn't have to be the make-or-break.

Lee.

This is just some food for thought from my own personal experience. I am not someone with BPD. My former partner of five and and half years, to my knowledge, has undiagnosed BPD. I understand that the internet can be full of stigma, and labels that someone can Google are kind of a nightmare when dating. That being said, I wish I had known about my former partner's BPD so that I could have educated myself, learned better relationship skill and strategies, and been better equipped to help her, myself, and us when it was needed. It could be very helpful in the long run once you trust someone and think you both want to pursue a relationship to disclose.When exactly that is totally up to you. We wasted so much time when we could have been learning to grow as people.

♡

Let me ask a dumb question. If you know you have BPD, and relationships can be a hard struggle, why wouldn't you tell that person from the outset? To me that is selfish, imagine how your partner will feel when you tell them months after the fact. My other question is why do you want a relationship, and put someone through what could be hell.