When do you tell potential partners?

@sashurss You are not your diagnosis. Put your best foot forward. Your date will find out about your BPD when you two decide to establish an actual relationship. Think of dating as casual and lighthearted.

That is a great topic you bring up here @sashurss and one that is probably on the hearts and minds of most of us with a BPD diagnosis. I personally have seen that the label we have within the mental illness community can be a double edged sword. On the one hand, they provide understanding, community and a pathology to our symptoms where we otherwise felt lost or alone. On the other, it comes along w/ a set of stigmas and judgments, often reiterated by our society and popular media which makes real life interactions within those labels all the more difficult. Having said that- I think the bringing up of this label is a tricky process, esp within a dating scenario. I think, personally, it is important for the person I am dating to get to know me, without any labels, until we see if there is any chemistry or potential ie if bringing up these deeper issues is even necessary. It really depends on the person and I am open to the general conversation on mental health before discussing either of our own personal struggles, and find that the right person for me has an open minded and compassionate view towards this topic, in a general sense (This is a quality I find essential to be successful in a relationship w/ someone who experiences any level of mental illness.) So I dont think there is an exact number of dates, per say, but more a level of comfort and getting to a point where you know if sharing those deeper parts of yourself (whether it is a mental health diagnosis or a past experience that was difficult) is safe and worth exploring.

~Staci

While I do worry about the stigma and how much misinformation is out there, I am very upfront about my bpd. I do not cover my self injury scars and as such most people are curious and ask. I am not really interested in getting to know someone who is not atleast willing to get to know me, not just my scars or what they might think they know about bpd or mental illness.

I think this is really a case by case basis. Some people are perfectly comfortable being forthcoming. I do not operate with emotional walls, for example. It's just not the way I'm wired (although I do have walls in terms of physical affection- which is something I am working on). But I will say it takes a certain compassion and willingness to understand from potential partners. One of my most significant relationships suffered because of his unwillingness to accept it. That said, validity is hugely important. "THOSE WHO MATTER DON'T MIND, AND THOSE WHO MIND DON'T MATTER." Unfortunately, stigma is a very real battle to overcome. I wish you nothing but the best in hoping to connect with someone in a meaningful way, someone who can separate the wonderful you from your illness.

I totally agree that stigma is everywhere, every website saying that being with borderline person is a nightmare and scars you for life and it's only pain. C'mon, isn't it pain for us too ? Recently I found myself able to open up a bit and told a guy i was dating that I'm borderline. There was this silence so I asked if he knew what that is? "Hm.. something about problems with too many sexual partners?". Then he made a joke that probably I diagnosed myself through internet questionnaire...

everyone ive told has thought 'BPD' meant bipolar disorder .. 'too many sexual partners' is a new one. Invalidation is such a big thing that NT's use against us (saying we took an internet test, it's not real, etc.) and it's really important for us to stay away from ableists .... good luck :)

Just want to add sth more - some people think BPD is like a cold that you can treat with a pill and the problem is gone. They say i'm exaggerating

I tend to warn people who pursue me, as much as possible, that I'm crazy. I don't tell them exactly how until the time is appropriate/necessary, but that is just my personal preference. It's often best practice to be up front and honest with your partners, and when I ask my boyfriend if he would have preferred me tell him I have BPD when we first got together instead of a year later, he said it wouldn't have made a difference. So I guess it truly depends on you, your situation and your significant other. Definitely put out feelers on how well they handle, uhm, instability, though. :P

I agree that the right partner won't be deterred by that. Great input, Ashley <3

Thanks for simplifying my post. Re-reading it, I don't think I was thinking so clearly :P I'm glad you were able to get what I was trying to say.

I gotcha, lady! You are very well written, no worries <3

For me, it's a matter of trust - how much rapport have I built with this person?

I think I instinctually feel these things out, but I think what's ultimately important is that if someone runs or pushes you away for your diagnosis, instead of investing in understanding it, then that's a sign that they are not going to treat you the way you deserve.

I agree with @KoiFish that you are not your diagnosis. Don't feel obligated to tell anyone at any time, it's about building something, and the way you want to build it is up to you. BPD doesn't have to be the make-or-break.

Lee.

This is just some food for thought from my own personal experience. I am not someone with BPD. My former partner of five and and half years, to my knowledge, has undiagnosed BPD. I understand that the internet can be full of stigma, and labels that someone can Google are kind of a nightmare when dating. That being said, I wish I had known about my former partner's BPD so that I could have educated myself, learned better relationship skill and strategies, and been better equipped to help her, myself, and us when it was needed. It could be very helpful in the long run once you trust someone and think you both want to pursue a relationship to disclose.When exactly that is totally up to you. We wasted so much time when we could have been learning to grow as people.

@heartstillyoung Thank you for this input. That is an excellent point and it is so valuable to hear from the partner's side. I have a close friend whose husband knew about her diagnosis early on and submerged himself in literature and educational resources to better understand her and is now so aware and helpful, not just with her illness but those close to us with similar pathologies. Again, your input is greatly valued, thank you <3

@SelenoPsych21 Thank you for your kind reply. :)

@heartstillyoung

This is such helpful input, and I really appreciate you coming out and saying this. I truly urge you to share your story with us in the "Supporters of BPD" thread found here. I think it would be an honour to hear from you.

Lee.

@ItsLee Thanks for your comment! And thank you for sharing this thread with me. I hadn't come across it before. I'm still becoming familiar with this site overall. I will check it out. :)

♡

Let me ask a dumb question. If you know you have BPD, and relationships can be a hard struggle, why wouldn't you tell that person from the outset? To me that is selfish, imagine how your partner will feel when you tell them months after the fact. My other question is why do you want a relationship, and put someone through what could be hell.

@arrgy

There are no dumb questions! I would have to agree with you. I believe in full disclosure personally, but I know it is different for everyone. Some may be concerned with the ramifications or stigma surrounding this decision. Although it does make sense to share this information assuming you want to have an honest and open relationship with a new person. Secondly, even though relationships are difficult- with mental illness aside- I think most human beings crave companionship. And so this is a natural occurrence in terms of the desire to not want to be alone. All relationships are work. Sharing this information is useful because it allows your partner to do additional research and provide those pillars instead of exacerbating the condition through misunderstanding.

Of course that's my two cents. You can throw it out if you'd like.

I believe that it is fair to wait for a bit. While it's true that you are not your diagnosis, BPD has still partially shaped who you are. It is incorporated into your personality, and so if someone likes you based on a few dates, they are unconsciously also becoming okay with the various things that help to make you who you are, including BPD. I don't see a problem including it on an online dating profile of you want, but feel no pressure to bring it up in person until it seems like you might have something of a fit anyway. Let them see who you are before you give them, and yourself, a poor excuse for you to be rejected.

@arrgy I don't want to put anyone through hell or as I phrase it I don't want to ever "inflict myself on anyone" I'd rather stay alone and lonely and unhappy than do that to anyone. I like someone at the moment but I know it could never go anywhere even if they felt the same (which I highlt doubt anyway) because inevitability I would mess up and hurt them or they'd just leave anyway, so why bother trying for nothing. I'm used to people leaving and wouldn't blame them, but I can't be ok with hurting someone. That's why I'm "in love" with a celebrity for years now, I can't actually hurt him. He's "safe" from me and my poisonous ways. Though I still manage to piss most of his fans off (well some, but I just think they all hate me cos some do) I've finally just stopped leaving comments on his social media page. I was actually addicted...I'm a scary person. Strange or just messed up how I can hurt people around me, without even trying, but even the thought of ever hurting him completely kills me. What is wrong with me.

@arrgy

There is a very big stigma surrounding many side effects of BPD, such as the intense mood swings, unstable sense of identity, splitting, etc. This can cause a lot of self-hate and fear in many and so because of our fear, some of us keep our illness to ourselves and try to take care of it in private. This is obviously very harmful, but not necessarily the fault of the person with BPD, it is the fault of those who perpetuate the stigma surrounding BPD. If there wasn't such a negative view of the illness, more people would be open about it.

Personally, I am very unashamed of who I am. I let my partner of almost 5 months know almost immediately that I had BPD before we even started dating. I let all my friends know because it's a part of who I am, and if someone doesn't want my friendship because of my illness, then I don't want theirs either. I am an exception though, and I know many of my friends with BPD keep it to themselves.

Hope I answered your question :)

So I have very recently started dating someone and I told them, in gory detail, all about BPD and every symptom I face and the severity of each symptom (for me) and I didn't leave any scary detail out. (I also included that I also have anxiety, depression, PTSD, and dissociation and psychosis with my BPD)

He accepted it. He validated me, said we'd need more communication, it didn't scare him and he didn't run away. And yes, I've already split on him and had arguments, etc. with him and when I calmed down, we just communicated why those things happened and I apologized for any hurt feelings etc. So far, so good. :)

and @arrgy just because I have a mental illness, or illnesses, does not make me (or anyone else) any less human or any less worthy of feeling loved or showing love. Yes, I have some "big bad scary illnesses" but I'm also super empathetic, caring, compassionate, open-minded, accepting, etc. I have flaws, I'm sure you do too.

@sashurss

I am so happy for you that you have found someone so accepting. You are so strong for doing what you did, and I am so proud of you.

All my love,

Lee.

@Lee aw thank you!!

Also a little update, we're still together, going on 2 months .. not long but still worth mentioning since dating with bpd is seriously some hard work aha :P

@sashurss

*sprinkles with continued love and support!*

I am so glad things have been going smoothly for you. I know mental illness is one of the things that takes a major toll on relationships and often ends them altogether. I still stand by my notion that it takes a special kind of someone to have the compassion, strength, and tools to navigate these waters.

I, myself, was recently diagnosed with Mixed Manic Depression, PTSD, and Panic Disorder. It has been overwhelming, painful, and relieving all at once. I have been on my first course of medication trials for only three weeks and my husband has really stepped up to the plate in terms of helping me cope, communicate, and avoid crisis. I now realize how special and rare this is. Without giving too much advice, my number one emphasis would be on keeping the line of communication clearly open in the way of your day-to-day experience, needs, limitations, and coping plans. As well as providing support and resources to your partner so he/she can learn to detect pre-cursors, differentiate between what is personal and/or truly relationship related/valid, and what is the irrational bantering of mental illness, all while receiving support themselves for the often difficult days we share.

I have recently invited my husband to attend DBSA Support Groups with me in order to provide him with his own pillars and understanding.

Best wishes to you and yours.

What if you don't understand it yourself, try to tell your family who is already tired of dealing w you and then you suppress it for two years? It was just a few months ago that it came back to me....

Now my family have no interest or compassion left so I have nobody who cares or understands including myself......