Full on BPD about my bf's business trip
Hey everyone,
I already introduced myself, but I'll repeat important stuff. I'm Lola, 24, been diagnosed with BPD and in treatment since I was 16.
The past three days were hell. My bf went on business trip 9000 km away for two weeks. It's been three days and I'm going insane. My moods change in a matter of minutes. I knew about that business trip for almost a month, but I was too preocupied with my own stuff to even think about it. Not that I'm not used to his business trips, but he never went that far for so long.
So, I'm lonely, bored to hell, I don't have the motivation to get up or do anything. I'm just waiting for his messages. On the first day, I went insane because he didn't send me a message when he got to the airport, but he did post a pic on Instagram, and some girl commented, I find out about that three hours later from my sister. Overreacting, I know. Jealous for no reason, I know. Then he doesn't contact me for more than 24h and I become convinced something happened to him, so I literally die of anxiety and fear, then I become mad about him not calling and plan to argue when he does. And then when he calls, I'm so happy I could fly. Then I suddenly remember he's there with a female colleague, and then the show begins. I tell myself I'm ugly, boring, insane, tough to support, and he will surely fall in love with that girl (and I don't know a thing about her, she could be 25 or 55, single or married with children and grandchildren, but in my mind she's Victoria's Secret angel with Sherloch Holmes intelligence). I was shaking of jealousy and paranoia, and I called him at 5 a.m. to ask questions about her. He told me I'm insane. May I add, in six years, he never, ever gave me a reason to doubt him, and I trust him with all my heart, but I can't stop these thoughts.
Basically, I'm going through endless cycle of worry, anger, jealousy, paranoia and euphoria, then again and again. I'm not bipolar, but I tend to have the symptoms of bipolar when I'm too stressed. I just don't know how to cope with these feelings. It's been three days and I'm already drinking to ease anxiety (you all know we're prone to that), and I fear I'll go literally insane in two weeks, until he gets back.
So, thank you for reading. I just had to get it off my chest and tell someone who I know will understand.