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AquarelleFlower
67,665 M Big Steps 1
PathStep 140 Compassion hearts785 Forum posts51 Forum upvotes45 Current upvotes45 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2024 Member sinceDecember 26, 2016
Bio
Hi everyone. I'm J, a girl struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder. I'm art student, I love reading, painting, writing. I adore animals. I'm glad I can get support here. Thanks to 7 Cups.
Recent forum posts
Considering hospitalization
Personality Disorders Support / by AquarelleFlower
Last post
 March 2nd, 2018
...See more Hey everyone and thank you for reading this. I'm 25 yo female. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 16 and I'm in treatment since. I was hospitalized a few times. I went through many meds changes and switched quite a number of therapists. There was a time when I was completely okay, but for the last two and a half years it's only getting worse. I've never been what you'd call "a good patient", I did my share of stuff I shouldn't do, but it's getting out of hands this time. I'm drinking almost daily, acting out, I even feel some aggressive tendencies, short temper, crying all the time, anxiety, loneliness, constant feeling of inadequacy. Since I was hospitalized before, I know how it works and I even liked it there. But this would be fourth year in a row I'm spending the spring in hospital. I get attached to people there, I do solve some issues, but I feel like I'm always discovering others. If I could go and be sure I'll mind my own business and not connect to others that much, it would be fine. I'm just really confused. Sometimes I feel like I'm running to hospitals when I can't take responsibility for my actions and using BPD as an excuse. I have to mention I have full support from my family and boyfriend, and they've been really worried about me lately, so I see that as one more sign I need more intense therapy. I'm not sure what else info to provide, I'm really confused and the feelings are completely overwhelming. Thanks for reading, any reply will be much appreciated.
Full on BPD about my bf's business trip
Personality Disorders Support / by AquarelleFlower
Last post
 October 8th, 2017
...See more Hey everyone, I already introduced myself, but I'll repeat important stuff. I'm Lola, 24, been diagnosed with BPD and in treatment since I was 16. The past three days were hell. My bf went on business trip 9000 km away for two weeks. It's been three days and I'm going insane. My moods change in a matter of minutes. I knew about that business trip for almost a month, but I was too preocupied with my own stuff to even think about it. Not that I'm not used to his business trips, but he never went that far for so long. So, I'm lonely, bored to hell, I don't have the motivation to get up or do anything. I'm just waiting for his messages. On the first day, I went insane because he didn't send me a message when he got to the airport, but he did post a pic on Instagram, and some girl commented, I find out about that three hours later from my sister. Overreacting, I know. Jealous for no reason, I know. Then he doesn't contact me for more than 24h and I become convinced something happened to him, so I literally die of anxiety and fear, then I become mad about him not calling and plan to argue when he does. And then when he calls, I'm so happy I could fly. Then I suddenly remember he's there with a female colleague, and then the show begins. I tell myself I'm ugly, boring, insane, tough to support, and he will surely fall in love with that girl (and I don't know a thing about her, she could be 25 or 55, single or married with children and grandchildren, but in my mind she's Victoria's Secret angel with Sherloch Holmes intelligence). I was shaking of jealousy and paranoia, and I called him at 5 a.m. to ask questions about her. He told me I'm insane. May I add, in six years, he never, ever gave me a reason to doubt him, and I trust him with all my heart, but I can't stop these thoughts. Basically, I'm going through endless cycle of worry, anger, jealousy, paranoia and euphoria, then again and again. I'm not bipolar, but I tend to have the symptoms of bipolar when I'm too stressed. I just don't know how to cope with these feelings. It's been three days and I'm already drinking to ease anxiety (you all know we're prone to that), and I fear I'll go literally insane in two weeks, until he gets back. So, thank you for reading. I just had to get it off my chest and tell someone who I know will understand.
Welcome to my world
Personality Disorders Support / by AquarelleFlower
Last post
 May 31st, 2017
...See more Hello, I'm Lola. I'm really glad BPD community got started, thanks to everyone who made it possible. I'll try to make it short, but meaningful. I'm 24, art history student. I've been struggling with mental health issues since I was 11. I started therapy when I was 16. When I was 17, psychiatrist told me I've probably got BPD, but they couldn't officially diagnose me before I turned 23. Since I was 16, I was showing every single symptom of BPD, especially struggling with unclear image of self, self-harm and the fear of abandonment. There were some good times, I was on very low dosage of meds for two years and completely off meds for another two years. Then, two years ago, it hit me again like a hurricane. I was hospitalized five times since 2015. Currently I'm hospitalized in open type hospital, I'm going there on workdays 9 to 2 and engage in group therapy, occupational therapy, autogenic training and other types of therapy. In two months, I see a little progress, or not at all. How it looks to be a borderline for me? It's a rollercoaster. I'm either up or down, no middle ground. One day I feel like the queen of the world, the other day I just want to lay down and die. I've got low self esteem and self respect, but high expectations. The abyss between who I am and who I want to be is huge. The abyss between what I know and how I feel is even bigger. My therapist often says I'm an "educated patient", I've been in therapy for so long I know everything. But knowing and doing are not synchronized in my brain. I feel like there's a massive destructive force taking over me from time to time (now more often than ever), and I don't even try to fight it. There's this though, "you tried and failed so many times, so just give in". I live in constant regret. I live in constant pain. I live in agony. People started being scared of me. I can see my illness consuming them, and I would let them go if I wasn't so scared of being left alone. I'm scared of myself and of what I might do next. If I go out tonight, will I come home the next day? If I feel like someone close to me is about to leave me, will I threaten with suicide (again)? If I get a chance, will I just go away and start over somewhere else? If I'm bored, will I drink myself to fainting, and then tell myself I'm just a tragic diva? And then still feel guilty and worthless for a week, until the next time? My personality is so disintegrated, I don't think I'll ever feel whole. People don't believe me when I say I drink to make myself feel worse. There's that thought again, "you deserve no better than drowning in your own vomit". They also don't believe me I'm getting panic attacks at the exams not because I didn't study, but because I never think I studied enough. I'm addicted to affirmations, especially those written on paper. They mean I'm good. If I don't get them, I'm worthless. If I don't get an A, I'm mediocre. If I'm mediocre, I deserve to die, no one will remember me anyway. They say "you need to change your way of thinking". Yes, in order to be healthy, yes. But what would I do without BPD? I tried being normal. Tried being mature. It's not fun. Nor this is, but it's what I'm used to. It's where I feel safe, no matter how afraid I actually am. Right now, BPD is the only certain thing in my life. And I just can't let it go.
I need a long term listener familiar with borderline, bipolar, managing emotions, trauma, college life
General Support / by AquarelleFlower
Last post
 January 12th, 2017
...See more Hello, I'm J. I'm 24, struggling with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder and severe depression episodes. I've been in therapy for 8 years now, both pharmaceutical and psychotherapy. I'm looking for a long term listener as an addition to my therapy. I would love to get different perspectives, as sometimes I'm unable to get unstuck. I'd like to talk of every part of my life, share good and bad things. My goal is to go back to being stable, confident, successful person I once was, or even better. I'd like to have a friend along the way. I'm not really picky about listeners, but if I could choose, I'd ask for a female, 25-35 years old, verified and experienced. It's not really a requirement, more important is that the person is patient, introspective, intuitive and ready to face challenge, as I can be pretty challenging. I hope there's someone for me out there. Please let me know.
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