A place for Vase and Berry

Ok, so you had two papers that didn't go well because you struggled to study with the depression. That doesn't mean you aren't smart. Your talent didn't go anywhere. It just means that you didn't study for those two tests. Calling yourself stupid is incorrect - what you did the last few weeks in not studying will hurt a bit but that doesn't make you as a person stupid. It makes your action incorrect, not you. You can study for the next exams and do better. Nothing that has happened is permanent or says something about you that you can't change.

So take a few deep breaths with me. You can do nothing about what just happened. I am not in any way trying to minimize it. However, beating yourself up makes things worse because then you can't do the stuff that you have on your plate right now. Don't look down at the work pile between now and your finals. You simply work on what is right in front of you, the notebooks and the internship powerpoint. They are the only things that matter. You need to see things in small chunks and just keep at it. 

Turn off all distractions including limiting 7 Cups. Sleep as much as you can. Make sure that you eat. You still retain the capacity to do these basic things even if they are harder with depression. I know how many times when I was ill I said to myself "I can't". But then I would force myself into the room and I would force myself to open the book or grade the papers. After a while, I would start to relax and realize that the impossible was possible. Why? Because I had no other choice. 

i wanna d1e. i am so done with this. cant sleep, cant do anything. i am crying every day. i come home from school and i cry. i go to bed and i cry. stay up late crying. hardly getting 3-4 hours of sleep a night. everything's a mess. got a truckload of homework today.

crying isnt even helping me anymore. i cry and i cry for hours and i dont feel better afterwards. i used to make myself cry to feel better but now no amount of crying is helping. talking isnt helping. showering isn't helping. youtube isnt helping. helping on cups isnt helping me. nothing is bringing me some comfort. nothing. nothing is making me feel better. nothing is working anymore. none of the things that used to help.

my mother just scolded me so much. it was so embarrassing. and now for some reason i just feel like the whole world hates me really badly. like everyone. no one cares. no one needs me. no one wants me.

my mother says that my yelling makes the whole family lose its respect. that the whole building can hear me and i'm yelling sitting in front of the window. says that she cant take it if i shout at her while she's trying to teach me.

so i said "do you never yell?" and then she goes "oh yeah amazing logic! i yell sitting in front of a window, right?! i shout for no reason, don't i?!" yes, right. she screams for the validest reasons on earth and i scream for no reason. absolutely correct.

then telling me how i just refuse to do anything to control my anger. that i refuse to follow instructions. then saying stuff about my skin. i know it's bad. i hate it enough. and she's making it a million times worse. i hate myself. i'm so ugly.

i wanna cry. i don't want to do anything anymore. i want to lie down and cry and then vanish.

a lot happened today. my mother got so mad at me and started slapping me hard and pulling me by my hair.

and my friend told me i got 12.5/17 in physics and 14.5/16 in biology. this is awful. my total in science has come down to 40.5/50. i used to get away without studying, but clearly it's not working anymore. i have to get up and study.

when someone tells me that i make a difference in some way, or that i'm being helpful or that they need me... i start to wonder how i can ever even do that. it feels impossible. like seriously, me? how does this even work? how come it's me and the so many others out here on this overpopulated planet aren't as helpful or needed to someone in particular? there are so many people in this world. how is this even possible? is it true that every one in 8 billion people is unique and irreplaceable? 8 billion! i dont understand the world. its unimaginably huge. there are so many people. i dont understand anything and cant imagine anything. how on earth does life and death even work?

I HATE MY MOTHER. I HATE HER SO MUCH. SO SO MUCH. i don't even know what to say anymore. that *** is constantly telling me that i need to spend less time showering and study more. blaming me for not taking care of myself and staying up late and then not being able to go to school and getting sick often. says that i should to to bed earlier and get up earlier. she will no longer let me sleep till 8:30 am on weekends. i have to be up at 8 am.

i tried telling her i cant do that. she got mad and said that if i cant get up at 8, i should just leave school. i got mad and i pushed her and then she told me i'm getting violent and told me lot of more stuff. says i'm ruining my health by staying up late. and by not eating enough dal. i hate dal and i have it anyway and its still not enough for her. i eat everything she gives me and apparently i still need to eat better because she says i'm anaemic.

okay and if i cant go to bed earlier, is forcing me to wake up at 8 am not ruining my health? is talking to me like this and making me miserable and then having me stay up late crying not ruining my health? today i was gonna go to bed on time but i couldn't all thanks to what she did to me. i'm up at 2:30 am now.

she just wants me to study study study. i have to wake up earlier for that because apparently morning is the time to study. 8 am on a weekend for such a stupid reason. who the helll wakes up at 8 am on a sunday? well, i do. all my classmates get to sleep till 10 am and i have to wake up at 8 because i have a stupid mother. wont even let me sleep. wont let me relax or have fun. just study study study.

if she really wants me to study she needs to give me some freedom. some space. she cant be running behind me all the time. i'm not a baby. i studied today. i actually did. i got stuff done. but now if she treats me like this, i cant anymore. i'm up so late. she'll wake me up at 8 am and wont even let me nap or anything.

I HATE HER I HATE HER I HATE HER

she absolutely doesn't care about me and doesnt understand a thing about me or how hard i'm trying. my efforts are useless. this is never gonna work. if she treats me like this i just need to go. i cant be here anymore.

she is making me like living helll and will continue to do it till march because i have final exams in march. then she'll continue doing it because i'll be in 10th grade and 10th grade is important. so i will have to endd it at some point even if it's not tonight.

my mother says i'm abusing my own body. whatever on earth that means. says that i should go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to take care of myself. if i wake up at 8:30 am that's too late and i wont have time left to study, she says. and she also expects me to study at night after dinner, and then quickly get ready for bed and sleep. that's not something i can do. i need time for myself and cups before bed, okay?

i'm struggling so much and she doesn't understand a thing. i try to get more sleep and take care of my health. i try to hard but nothing is enough for her. trying is pointless. nothing will ever go the way i want it to, with her in my life and trying to keep me and my life all under her control. and having her constantly tell me to study and do this do that is only making it harder.

with everything that happened last night i was up till 4 am. yeah, right, 4 am. and then i tried to sleep. and she thinks she's helping me in some way by telling me to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. i try, okay? i try. but it's pointless. she doesn't understand how much i'm struggling and how i'm just barely here and she's putting so much pressure on me. that i need to study and fix my bad habits.

i cant take this much pressure from here. i'm going crazy. she has to be so strict with sleeping even on weekends. like why in earth? do you think it's more important to get more sleep or wake up early? those things cant happen together because she also wants me to study at night and if i start getting ready for bed too early and she finds out, she'll wanna wake me up even earlier. and study study study. i need some alone time she cant always be behind me. i hate her so much.

now i'm just in too much pain and i'm crying. so obviously i cant study right now. and i have school tomorrow and a lot of work to complete. 

gosh i have so much i wanna get off my mind and write down but i don't think i have time. i have to do soooo much stuff and i'm soooo sleepy already. 11:41 pm. i have complete this stupid project that isn't even marked, and study for a test. forget about homework.