Weekly Prompt #3: What helped you understand and accept your sexuality/gender identity

I was lucky and raised by sapphic parents, so my moms were always supportive of my sexuality and I never really questioned being pansexual. It just… was a thing and, in my family, it was simply normal. So, back in the day things were pretty easy on that front. But back in the days of being comfortable in my sexuality, I thought I was cis.

Coming to terms with being not-a-woman, not-a-man, but some elusive third thing was pretty difficult. Is still pretty difficult, but I think what helped/helps the most was recognizing that it only is difficult to explain. To exist as myself in spaces not built for me in mind. When I’m alone or with my partners or my family, it’s not difficult at all. For me, that just solidified the fact that my gender is mine. Independent of what it’s societally supposed to be, what others wish it were. And that weird sense of owning one’s Self really helped me to find peace with who I am.

I don’t have a big reflection on the polyamory except to say that what really made me confident about it was something my nesting partner quoted while he was researching the concept. It’s kind of a household mantra now: we design a relationship that works for us. We don’t have to use the Disney princess template or the 2000s rom-com building blocks. He’s not Lindsay Lohan and I’m not Chris Pine, but it’s just our luck that we found each other because we both understand that it’s both stressful and unfair (in our opinion) to expect a single romantic partner to meet all our needs. We’ve been together something like seven years. Maybe eight, we’ve. Both forgotten the date, honestly. Been polyam and happy about it since about two years in.

@ASilentObserver I wish I could say I have come to terms with it all, but honestly I can't. I still question who I am and why I have so much anxiety and outright fear of my sexuality. That said, as much as I question it, being a woman is about the only thing in my life that ever really made sense to me.

@ASilentObserver Idk if I’m fully accepting it of myself just yet. I would say the thing has further and further helped me come to terms with how I see myself is playing video games. Namely, video games that allow me to pick my player’s gender. At a certain point, idk when even, I just started picking the female player model every chance I got. I would make excuses like "oh, I like their voice actor more" or "I like their character design more" or "I’m just roleplaying" but really the reason is that they’re the ones I identify more with. 

@ASilentObserver

anime and memes

anime sparked my intrest when i noticed traps/femboys are..well a thing and after doing sevral deep doves i was intiakky hesitant and thought no way i like guys 

but then

people like one topic , the click , jaemy and other youtubers gave me an insight into what its like being an lgbtq person and i learned lgbtq folk are well folk with their own dreams and ideas and hoes and lives

so i decided to join lgbtq friendly *** servers and talk to lgbt folk and see what happens

with memes , frendos and plas , and some anime fan art and lewds i slowly removed all the entrinched anti lgbtq rhetoric from inside me that was forced upon by being raised in a religious christian family in a very conservitave and poor community inside a third world country in the middle east

there was a lot of it

but with time and effort and more meme ids and interaction ..etc i got to it

for a while i was hesitant even online to call myself what i truly felt

it took going to lgbt subreddits , some of them gone by now , and interact openly with other legbtq folk that i slowly again grew to accept a simple fact

i was bisexual

yet because i remain where i am im still in the closet , so i almost went a full circle heh  

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@ASilentObserver I like everyone. No matter who they are. I think everyone is beautiful. I didn't know and I don't know what my bisexuality is specifically. I just like people. Specifically foreigners. But I like Americans bcuz we're all foreigners

@ASilentObserver

For me, there are people where I feel truly myself and can share my identity. There are others I feel I cannot. Especially in my current journey into a profession that is highly scrutinized by their peers, I really have to flip an on and off switch of who I am at times. I usually tell people that I don't discuss relationships, and that gets them to not ask any further. There are times where someone asks about my partner and we are in a more open community, so I gladly talk about her. In others, I lie and say I am single. It eats at me, but my partner is in a similar situation as well. I'm glad that we don't feel any animosity towards each other about it since we both have to do this odd balance based on where we live and work. The issue comes when I can't remember who I have said things to. Slowly, I am realizing that no matter what I do someone could dislike me or reject me. At the end of the day, that's not someone I want to be around anyways, so I have felt a bit more open and just shared that I have an LGBTQ+ relationship. This can be dangerous, so I am not going to gloss over that aspect especially for where I live. But at the end of the day, I was born who I am, and if you are religious and struggling with that aspect, then just know we each have our own paths to navigate. I choose to be with someone that loves and supports me more than anyone else I have ever met. For living in a religious area, I was always told to interpret texts for myself, and this has helped me with the stress of "right or wrong." For me, someone came into my life that helps me be a better person, and I don't think I deserve to be treated as a lesser person for who that individual happens to be. There are many identities that we navigate aside from just this one, and I find more difficulty in those others personally. If anyone reads this from a rural place like me and also struggles, just know you are not alone in this world.

@ASilentObserver

I would say that not putting pressure on myself to conform to other people's ideals of gender helped me feel more found in my identity. I feel very centered in my identity as a two-spirit and nonbinary or trans person. To connect my identity to my spirit feels like I was trans in every lifetime, and that sentiment has helped me feel proud and certain about who I am. 

@ASilentObserver for me I have not yet come to terms with my gender or sexuality. Being closet trans is hard and painful but I cannot come to terms with it. Still fighting and looking for answers. It's why I'm here. Lol

@ASilentObserver i am trans and masochistic but i always knew that. I kinda just accepted it while also being subliminally programmed that it was horribly wrong

@ASilentObserver

supportive understanding and accepting people 

the fact that I can’t change