Letters to Tiger

I felt pretty good coming home from work today. Pretty confident that I would be fine.

Watching video game playthroughs. I'd like to try to code again. But I struggle with brain fog and focusing.

You haven't been on in 5 days. I bet you got rid of messenger. You're good at getting rid of things that don't help you. It's a bit painful for me to look at the number go up every day. Silly girl.

He's gone. let him go. just breathe.

They had archery practice in our park today. I couldn't go. I'm terrified to go to that park. I don't ever want to go again. I'll just have a breakdown there. So I lie and say that I'm busy. And isolate myself more. Isolation. I really need to go to a depression meetup. There's one tomorrow night. I'm scared to go.

I miss you. Just sitting with it. Too tired to distract myself. So tired all the time.

**TRIGGER WARNING : attachment trauma

This is a journal entry and probably not healthy at all - don't be like me **

Silly me. Falling for the same tricks over and over. Coming back to check the same empty wells.

The definition of insanity.

If they don't like themselves, they'll leave you. So remind them why they should like themselves.

He hates himself. So he'll slowly disengage. Until he disappears. You'll keep grasping but you'll go home alone. Over and over again. And still want him. Even though they've shown you a million times.

You hate yourself, too. So you'll hold on to when they treated you like you were worth something. But that was all they had. The well is empty now. You should have rationed better.

People with attachment trauma often have magical thinking. Dream of a savior. But there is no savior - they say. They say you have to rescue yourself. The saddest thing you could tell me.

He's never coming. Dad is never coming. No one is ever coming. You're on your own kid.

Can we take a moment to grieve?

Happy Birthday!

I'm still shaking from sending you your birthday text. Because I don't know if you want me to kindly disappear forever. Or if you have someone new and talking to me will get you in trouble. But you are nice to me because I stayed at the B recently. Have to treat me with kid gloves. I hope that's not the case.

I wish I knew so I could stop overthinking it. I'm pretty certain that you are done with me. But I keep circling back to the question you asked on my birthday. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I feel like all I can do is wait.

I hope you have the best birthday today. Your friends, family, or someone special gives you all the love you deserve. You eat something yummy and get a big hug. You're an amazing person and deserve to be celebrated! I mean, you've worked so hard and come so far. I hope you can see that. Don't let any stress or anxiety take up space today. You can come back to it later. Today is just for you.

Happy birthday, tiger.

Had therapy yesterday. We agreed that journaling alone was pretty bad for me. I just re-enforce my magical thinking and obsessive thoughts. I need to practice catching my cognitive thinking traps. But I lost my DBT workbook. I don't really remember them.

Coming off of Pristiq is causing more depression than I thought it would. I thought I would just be more anxious. I'd like to go back to a normal dose, but all of these medications are destroying my body. I've had this probably false idea that if my meds had me working at a certain intellectual level, then I could start taking care of my body enough to slow down on the hard drugs.

But I may not ever hit that ideal level of functioning with medication. I need to start implementing what healthy "body" things I can.

I've been sleeping a lot lately and dreaming a lot. I keep waking up to knocking. Knocking is something new coming or something I am not dealing with (according to dream dictionaries). I don't remember what happens around the knocking to know the context.

Every time a thought of you pops up I have been asking my brain to please not do this now. Worrying won't change anything, and it doesn't give me any actionable options. It won't make you talk to me. It just keeps me stuck in this grief loop. So please, brain, we can't affect what will happen next. So let's not keep circling it. If you want to give me courage and an actionable option - you may bring that up. Otherwise, we will not circle grief and whatifs all day. Or if you want to unpack why we are frozen and unable to take any actions, that would also be super helpful and okay to do. But me thinking either "he's coming back," or "he's never coming back," or any value judgement on myself based on those? Uhm, no. We're not doing that anymore.

Going to find my DBT workbook. Going to be better. Not going to religiously check your "silent" status. Not going to watch the day counter go up. If you're not gonna do anything you don't get space here anymore.

Trigger warning: bang bang violence **

Silly me.

It has been a crazy few days for me, tiger. Not that we are talking anymore. I don't know if it is because of my stay in the hospital, because you have someone new, because it's just time? I guess my birthday talk was fake. Oh well. I genuinely do hope that you are doing well either way.

The OCD meds are helping me a lot. Unfortunately, the side effects are terrible. Gut issues, painful flushing, tremors, dry mouth, eyes and everything. The no more pleasure ever side effect. BUT, I can handle all the drama coming at me so well? I don't want to stop taking it.

Lots of family drama this past week. A ton. Non-stop avalanche. And friend drama. And work drama.

Today I close at work and there will be extra security. Because Sunday a customer threatened to bang bang the place up. I had to give a police report. An investigator is going to call me. I wanted to text you. But what can you do but worry? And tell me not to go back. And honestly, I'm not as scared as I thought I would be. I don't think it was a real threat. I've had enough angry, entitled people yell threats at me. I can tell when I am in danger. And I don't feel danger this time. But you can never be certain - thus the extra security.

My friends at work are in a tiff with each other, making it awkward for me. So I don't feel as emotionally safe. I don't want to carry any other burdens. Therapist said I can hold space for people without putting on a backpack and carrying their problems for them. Something I will have to practice.

Instead of working, what if I spent the day looking out the window and dissociating? It's a lovely day to dissociate.

I'm going to a concert this Friday. To see someone we have seen before. It feels wrong to go without you. I thought it was just going to be me and my sister going. Some bonding time. But actually it will be a group of her friends and me as a fourth or fifth wheel. Should've known. She asked if I had anyone to bring and I knew I couldn't bring you. She would not allow that ever. Funny, huh? Tables turned. I'll probably cry a lot. But maybe that will help. I secretly wished you were going to. Since I told you I was. But that is beyond silly when you completely stopped talking to me. You only talk to me if I am in crisis.

I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to be loved consistently? To be in love and not lonely?

It's okay if I don't.

This level of exhaustion is sickly. I had an energy drink, but I could fall asleep right here. Lots to figure out. I have time.

Storming this morning. Maybe all day.

I felt your hand let go of mine.

Cried in the aisle while he played ‘Our Love.’

I’ve been erased from your world completely. Does it bring you peace? I wish you every happiness.

I think a broken heart never goes away, new life just grows around it.

“Stormchaser, come back around”

Today I have to work with a man that makes me uncomfy. And a new security guard. Is there no safe place for a woman to just be?

Thank you for always being respectful of my womanhood.

It’s supposed to storm all day. But the sun is out. I like sunny storms. You would be sad when it was gray and cold.

Thinking about you when they told me to stop attaching to thoughts. Obsessions.

Tiger the obsession is strong. Thoughts and missing you and grief on repeat. I try to block out the sound with tv and video games. Try to stay distracted. But instead I search for any snippet left of you.

I promise overall I am doing better.

the days after my period are the worst. I feel the grief and desperation for relief the strongest. What if I showed up at your door? I know I shouldn’t. I won’t. But it’s so painful.

intrusive memories are non-stop. Intrusive problem solving. Could I get your attention this way? Would you love me if I was like this? Do I need to go inpatient?

I’m ashamed and embarrassed of my brain. It thinks if I just wish and pray and believe that you will come back and some happily ever after will happen.

that’s not real. Please wake up. No one is coming to save me. Please wake up from this.

so dramatic. Maybe these meds are making it worse.

it feels like I’m drowning again.

silly girl.

@honestWater865

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with obsessive thoughts and feelings related to your recent OCD diagnosis. It's understandable that you may feel conflicted about using the journal option on 'My Path' as a safe space to express your thoughts and feelings.

It's important to remember that the journal option is meant to be a private and secure space for you to reflect on your thoughts and emotions. While it may feel like a small chance, there is always a possibility that someone could stumble upon your journal. However, it's important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being by utilizing this tool as a means to express yourself freely, without the fear of judgment or consequences.