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honestWater865
653 M Embraced 5
PathStep 16 Compassion hearts77 Forum posts32 Forum upvotes25 Current upvotes25 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 21, 2023
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Letters to Tiger
Journals & Diaries / by honestWater865
Last post
 July 9th, 2023
...See more I have been using the journal option on 'My Path', but does it really count without the danger of someone seeing it? I need that chance - even if it is so tiny - that the person I want to say these things to would see it. I leave little breadcrumbs across the internet, knowing full well how unhealthy that is. There's safety in knowing they won't, but there is some kind of sick hope in thinking they might. Tiger I was recently diagnosed with OCD. I feel like you would say, "duh." I remember when I got my bipolar diagnosis and how adamant you were that I didn't have that. But this one, considering how often you would tease me for overthinking, I really think you would understand immediately. And tell me I don't have to consider the Palestinians when ordering a sandwich. I think I definitely fall in the ROCD category (see: this journal post, other blogs out there, the amount of therapists I've seen to deal with heartache). I don't trust my own feelings because they can change so dramatically in such a short time span. I need black and white answers to everything. I NEED to know for absolute CERTAIN. Obsessively think of "the one," of loss, of memories, of what I should or shouldn't be doing. How do I get better when I don't want to? I'm gonna try so hard to not latch onto the obsessive thoughts today. To just hear your name in my head like a dog barking. It does neither of us any good for me to torture myself. It doesn't change our circumstances at all and hasn't inspired me to change in any meaningful way. I don't know what to do.
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I'll be 35 tomorrow! Hi, I'm A
35 & Over Community / by honestWater865
Last post
 April 8th, 2023
...See more Manipulative Child Hi. My name is A-----. I'm going to be 35 tomorrow. I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder (not quite MDD, not quite Bipolar 2), CPTSD, and super recently - OCD. I've been encouraged to get tested for neurodivergency. Probably a little on the Autism spectrum, but if not, definitely Sensory Processing Disorder. I used to have panic attacks pretty often, but they have mostly left me. I do IFS therapy currently. And I'm looking for a trauma group in my city, too. My big hurdle is the loss of my first true love. We were together for eight years (a significant number in my life). It has been three years since he left, but I am still struggling with it.. a LOT. I can't seem to let go. His family does not approve of me so there is really nothing I can do. But I can't convince my brain. I just started medicine for OCD to stop the near constant barrage of thoughts about him. And the manipulative child in me is trying to so covertly get his attention online. It's not working. So I guess that's good? I have a lot of attachment trauma from my childhood. A mostly absent military father and a mother with CPTSD herself. Physical and emotional neglect. Some sibling drama as well. And lots of stress. A whole life of stress. I can be much more compassionate with myself now that I am older. But I still need more practice. My manipulative child part is searching desperately for love in all the wrong places. I keep going back to empty wells for water. Maybe this time... I hope I can find myself an ocean. Of supportive community. Of love from a partner who can be there. Of self love. I hope I can learn to be brave. To know what I want/need and be able to declare it. I hope I can embrace my mischievous inner child so she can play instead of scheme. Here's to 35~!
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