Letters to Tiger

How to acknowledge obsessive thoughts.

I'm reading Relationship OCD. Which doesn't exactly fit my experience, but has some helpful things. One of them is not fighting the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. I'm trying to say "Hey there, obsessive thoughts" whenever my brain asks about him. Instead of begging for the thoughts to stop.

I do feel like it helps my nervous system at the very least. Instead of a fight or flight response, it's a kindof acceptance. If I can get myself out of fight/flight, maybe I can figure out if action is necessary or not. And then follow through?

He asked me about going to a play this week. But now it's been a month since we've talked. So I have to accept that it's not going to happen? Question mark? Am I supposed to say something?

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I wish there was a worksheet to fill out for these things. I always forget to tell her something. I definitely want to mention that the obsessive thoughts are staying at 100. The depression. The tremors and dry mouth. Increased irritability. There's extra pressure because she is leaving for a while after this session.

I feel better on sunny days.

I acknowledge that I am thinking that I have a feeling of loss. I acknowledge that a part of me is missing him. I see my hurting part and offer her compassion.

What are we afraid of?

Hey tiger,

You texted me while I was in a psych appointment. Never did have good timing. We were talking about my obsessing over you. And what I should do. She said in our next session she is going to make me tell you this:

As much as I may miss and love you, and as much as you may love me back, if you can't choose me in front of your friends and family - and to MY friends and family, then we can't talk. Because I want it too badly. And it hurts too much to stay in constant grief.

I'm terrified to say anything like this. Because it's the final goodbye blow. And I don't want to give up. Even though my therapist, psych, friends, and family REALLY want me to. We would have to do so much convincing to so many people. Or stop caring what they think.

I felt lucky that you wanted to share your pictures with me. But I wondered who was there with you while you took them. And jealous if you were able to adventure on your own.

In the meantime, my psychiatrist gave me some behavioral homework. I've never had this before. So hoping that it works. We are trying to make my world bigger. So that when a part goes missing it won't be so devastating. I have to:

• Take a picture of myself at THREE meetups.
• Call or text friends/family when the obsessive thoughts are on loop.
• Apply for some jobs (number not specified, I'm gonna say three)

I have one month to complete these tasks. To a lot of people they may seem easy, but this is pretty overwhelming to me. And to know that I'll have to send you that message at the end.

But there's also a bit of hope and excitement. A little jolt of enthusiasm at making it a project.

I don't know how things will work out in the end. But I'm grateful for the journey.

I miss you.

I love you.

Please tell me you’re ready

to take me home

A Switch has been Flipped

Is this journal a healthy thing? I have questions about attachment trauma, IPSV, Stockholm syndrome, and bipolarity.

My attachment addiction was quelled just a tiny bit and my brain did a 180. Or is it hormones that cause the switch?

Because I went from a desperate need to a primal fear. Like a voice creeped out, “Did you forget?”

A picture of whom I’ve been longing sends a panic to my chest. An aversion.

The switch is so violently quick and acute that I get whiplash. And it reminds me that I can’t trust what I believe at any given time — because it will probably change.

I feel crazy. I feel 100% in the change. But I was 100% in the before.

How do you learn to know what is true when your brain constantly lies to you?

Starting new medications always throw you into a rollercoaster again. Up and down moods. Side to side. I have to keep a journal to see what is real. I’m 80% of the time one way about an issue - and then a rollercoaster hits.

Overall it seems true that I want to quit this job this summer. Overall I am still grieving him. Overall, I become codependent when someone shows me safe emotional intimacy.

Overall, my world has been so small that when a piece drifts away it feels like pangaea shifting.

overall, I am able to survive many world shatterings. Overall I find the sunlight again.

I’m going to make my world bigger. I’m going to take up more space.

Where are you? And I’m so sorry~

I want to talk to you. I want to ask if you’d go to the botanical gardens with me. I want to tell you all I’ve learned about myself in the past three years. I want to ask if your hopes and dreams have changed. Want to ask about your family. Want to know about new friends you’ve made and new experiences you’ve had.

The estradiol dump is over. About three days of feeling averted and avoidant. I’m more aware of the cycle now. I know that the thoughts are not necessarily true. I wish I could explain jt to you. Would it ease the hurt?

Maybe tonight I will be brave and show you the gardens. Working until 9 at night every day has really messed with any social life.

I hope you are well.

Eragrostis Spectabilis

Plants well in open full sun; tolerant of hot dry conditions. Handles light foot traffic. Spreads slowly; goes dormant in winter.

We went to the botanical garden together. When I made those plans I was so excited and hopeful. The day of I was pretty nervous and struggling with mood symptoms. It was devastating to see you in your work uniform. Hard to accept that you were lying about where you were again. But I was grateful that you were at least honest with me about it. Progress.

Monday I was severely food poisoned. So I was pretty nauseous without the anxiety. I didn't mean to be a butthead about getting food before we went. But I was terrified to sit across from you at a restaurant - I knew it would bring up too many memories. And it did. And I remember perfectly ever bump and line in your forehead. The exact pattern of your hairline.

I wanted to drive separately just in case one of us felt the sudden need to bail. Who knew what would be said and how earth-shattering it might have been.

I'm really proud of myself for asking if I should be waiting. I have been emotionally constipated on that for three years. Confused about the words you said. You'd be okay if I moved on with someone else, but you don't think you'll love anyone else. Confusing. Disappointed and angry when I get stuck in my career/life. I still am. All the time.

You told me your parents will hate anyone they don't choose. Nothing I could do. I explained how everyone in my world feels about you. You asked about moving in together. But I don't make much and you will not like seeing how stuck I am in my tiny, depressed, hoarder apartment.

I was really taken aback by your political values. It's maybe a dealbreaker. Compassion towards everyone is very important to me. But maybe I would need to hear more from you to understand.

You told me about thinking in facts versus emotions. But tiger, I still don't understand. Because all of the facts point to us never being able to be happy together. But I'm still so emotionally obsessed and tethered to you. Even though it felt so different. I was dealing with a grown, hurt man instead of the happy, mischievous boy. Is he still in there? I love him so.

Romeo, I may just cry for you my whole life. I just wish I knew how to calm the waters. How to accept the good and the bad and the uncertainty. I hope you know that no matter what happens, I would be there for you in a moment if you ever called. I will always want your health and happiness. With me or without me. And maybe you would be happier without me and the baggage I bring.

I hope you know that you can love someone else. You have an amazing ability to see beauty in the often overlooked. I'm so grateful that you saw me and loved me. And if you met someone new I hope you know that you have the capability to love and be loved just as strong, if not stronger, than we did.

I'll probably cry a bunch for a few days. And overthink. But we'll be okay no matter what happens.

I’m having a lot of obsessive thoughts this weekend. Lots of questions without answers — or is it that I don’t like the answers?

I finished reading Relationship OCD. It had plenty of helpful things even if it isn’t exactly my complicated situation. Trying to accept uncertainty is so difficult.

My mind keeps replaying the “antiwoke” conversation with loops of “mgtow” in the background. Screaming red flag! Run! My rational brain tells me all the reasons why not. But then why do you keep bringing him up?

An endless loop of what ifs and daydreams, none of which are actionable or helpful.

He doesn’t like when I’m stuck. I worked really hard to get unstuck from the deep country, sleeping on couches, staying with my sister in our toxic home, getting my own place. I’m sorry I wasn’t making enough money for you. But I moved out on my own and I have a nice apartment and my own car and phone. All while battling mental illness, fibro, and our ups and downs.

I’m not sorry if that wasn’t good enough. But I’m hurt.

Despite all these things I miss you. Or am I just desperately lonely? So afraid to mess up and cause any more hurt. My brain won’t stop circling you and us — a buzzard over roadkill. Staying with you in DC is my happiest and most painful memory. It was silly for me to think that it could always be like that. ***, we fought while we were there. But how good it felt when we were okay…

I’m in no place to think rationally or make any decisions— not that I really can. Riding my own roller coaster is exhausting. So to keep everyone safe, I try not to act until I feel uncrazy(Definition pending).

Doesn’t that mean you just stay stuck?

Yes. Yes it does.

I hope we can find peace and clarity this summer. We’ve been in pain for so long.

(Should I move this to the new personal journals forum? Can a mod do that?)

This morning is starting right off with obsessions and anxiety. Does the intensity mean I am near the end of my cycle?

I keep thinking he will talk to Chris today. Chris will tell him I am pathetic and to go for the girl at their office. Or so anxiety monster says. Anxiety says if he doesn’t talk to you today it’s because of this.

have to breathe. Remind myself there is no evidence. Just chill and focus on my work. Try to be nice to all my coworkers and job hunt on my breaks. we got this

Finally Rain.

We haven't had rain in the valley for so long. Everything was so dry and dusty. Hopefully some green will come back. I saw a big round cardinal this morning. My grandma's favorite bird. It's her birthday today and I feel like her spirit is visiting.

I've been having the obsessive thoughts a lot. Probably because of what tomorrow is. I am trying not to hold on to the thought too tightly. I just need two things from you. And want one more, but NEED only the two. One: reassurance on shared values. Do we have the same values? I'm not sure right now and having silly obsessive thoughts. Two: For our families to know. And then I am willing to do whatever. The third is just a want, just a verbal promise.

But in lieu of any of that, I am trying to take better care of myself. I was working on my resume and public career profiles. It was really overwhelming. I would like someone to sit down and do it with me. Because I don't know how to turn off B*** Brain. She just wants to tell me that I have no skills and no one will hire someone out of retail. I don't even know what a proper salary would look like! I'm so used to living just above the poverty line.

My summer goal is still to find a new job. And keep going out to network. I hope this slight hypomania stays long enough for me to do that.

I hope today is easy and slow.