Letters to Tiger

Today is a hard day.

i just want to talk to you, but I’m too afraid. My inner child daydreamed you would come over after work. And while my rational self tried to tell her that wouldn’t happen - she still cried when you didn’t come.

I started ocd.app since I can’t afford a professional ocd therapist. Hopefully I can get these thoughts under control and not be living in *** all of the time.

I just really wish you were here and we could talk. I’m so confused. But I don’t want to cause any more pain.

Am I still waiting? Or are you? Or was that a goodbye?

I’m so confused. Please talk to me.

I love you.

Honey, Honey, Honey - you’re the death of me

The thoughts are strong today, which is normal for post menstrual. My heart rate has stayed at 130. That scares me. I am shaky with anxiety and tremors from medication.

Can I see you again soon?

What are the differences between limerence, erotomania, and ROCD? How does one get help for them? I have a trauma therapist now, but she hasn’t been able to crack this. I’ve done this for a long time. I did it over Marina, and I used to do it over high school crushes. Just constantly struggling with obsessive thoughts of someone. Do I want them to save me? Is it a release from loneliness and abandonment? I can’t feel like a neglected child if I am living in a fantasy of maybe being loved.

Is it because I was a military brat? Always waiting for someone far away.

It’s hard feeling so alone all the time.

I miss you.

I’m grateful we got to have breakfast together, but seeing you leaves me with the same problem as before — I want more than you can give. And it’s still just sneaking around.

How can I take care of myself so that I feel fulfilled enough to not want. Trying to heal a neglected child.

I’m burnt out and need another break. Despite FMLA, I’m still unable to properly take care of myself. Struggle to get myself groceries, get in exercise, have a clean habitat… the medications have greatly improved my overall mood, but I’m still exhausted and stuck. Working every other day is still too much.

If I could just call off for a few days, maybe…

My parents came up today. I had a trauma response when I saw my niece… and talked about my sister and her coming over. How do I train myself to not respond like that? I hate it. I’m ashamed and feel so guilty.

I want to be in your arms watching a movie. But thinking about how we lost that makes me cry.

This is just a hard day. It will be okay.

I only seem to post when I'm unhappy. This is not a fair assessment of my overall mood. **

I definitely need to join a chat or a group today. I am so lonely. The next two days I have nothing to do. Being alone in the house is so difficult. When I had a roommate and a pet, it was easy to keep a cleaning/workout/eating schedule. My routine bounced off of theirs and I was never totally alone. Even if I was just body doubling with the cat.

I struggle so much to do things when I'm alone. I just dissociate and get stuck in a freeze state. I tried to clean my room but it only lasted a few minutes before I dissociated and found myself on the floor. We did this as a child as well. I would struggle so much to do homework or to clean my room. Having my mother guilt me into it -- and eventually having a routine of always doing homework right after I got home or on the bus -- was the ONLY way to get anything done.

Unfortunately, the two ADHD medications I tried gave me serious side effects. And I refuse antipsychotics. PLEASE send HELP. How do I get myself out of freeze state? Out of stuck? Out of executive DISfunctioning?

I can feel myself collapsing now. Hard dissociation. I'm lonely and stuck. I'm ready to move back home or with H. If I could get myself to get rid of 2/3 of my crap this summer, before my lease is up.

I need more supportive people in my life. Who can consistently be there. I don't know what reliable and consistent relationships feel like. I know how to do alone. I'm a pro at alone. And I'm sick of that. Maybe if I go to group, they can tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Listening to Broken, by Lifehouse, in the tub alone, while working on your IFS art for your inner teen, is a dumb thing to do.

Fully sobbing into the lyrics and letting my inner preteen wallow in the deep abandonment wound (that she didn’t even realize was there) may be detrimental in the long run.

But it helped me realize something about my manipulative ways. This online journal, the blogs, the art, following him on games, changing myself for others, being a mirrorball, trying everything I can to get love without simply talking about it.

I didn’t have a voice growing up - specifically with my father.

** trigger warning: daddy issues **

I’m a navy brat and my dad would be gone 6-9 months of the year. This was before skype or whatsapp. And when he was home he still had a 9-5 job at the shipyard. I rarely saw him and wanted full attention when he was home (which naturally did not happen). Baby me didn’t understand.

On top of that we had the rule that I could never tell him about my mental illness or being sad because “he might leave us,” or “he can’t handle it.” But really it was mom who couldn’t handle me.

So I was voiceless. Who was I going to ask for a hug? Or to talk to? Not starved of love but it was so precious and rationed. I felt the hunger for it, for closeness, for security. I feel it now so deeply - like primal. Like an animal. I’m constantly fasting from security, reliability, consistency, everyday love. So when I get a bit, that I have to manipulate out of people, I hang on so tightly (but so secretly). I can’t let you know I need it - you’ll take it away because I’m too much (mom programming). And I may not get any for a long time, because it always leaves (dad programming). And it isn’t unconditional - I have to be happy and well - or else you’ll leave (both program).

No wonder my inner preteen falls apart to this song. No wonder I hold on for dear life.

I need to give myself some self love.

Dreamt about teeth under my big toenail surrounded by shreds of a lost nail. But when I touched them with a needle or something metal, the polish wore off and they were black and rotten teeth. I pulled a couple out and a felt circle with a needle through it also came out. I took them to a school nurse.

“Toenails may symbolize self-perception about how skilled, talented, intelligent, powerful, or rich you feel yourself to be.

To dream of teeth represents your vitality and self-confidence. A reflection of how good you feel about your physical appearance, talents, or anything that gives you status or power. Feelings about how permanently confident you are capable of being. Teeth falling out lack of control.” - dreambible

Also dreamed of doing buys of old 50s gas station stuff. Old sodas, one was sea water, in glass bottles. Those spinning lollipop toys, a giant slimjim type thing in brown paper..

Intrusive thoughts that he slept with a coworker in KC. Intrusive thoughts that he was with her Tue/Thurs. no evidence. Thoughts keep coming like arrows from the sky. No good mornings or good nights. Unsafe in silence. Hormones high.

Thoughts are just thoughts - not facts.

Not sure what to do, so I’m stuck in freeze.

If an audience was watching, they would ask why I’m not happy now. Thank you for coming to see me. For telling me you pick me, for holding me and letting me cry.

I wish we wouldn’t have… just so I wouldn’t have this doubt about if you can respect my boundaries.

I don’t feel good. I feel like something bad is going to happen. Like you won’t come back from England. Or will change your mind.

i don’t feel at all safe. The huge problem, the giant hole, still stands between us Romeo.

11:11. i don’t know where this road will end.

I need to see you and be reassured right now. But as always I can’t have that.

Want to go to my parents and cry.

Maybe the reduction in lithium is also at play here.

Please don’t break my heart again.