Letters to Tiger

I felt pretty good coming home from work today. Pretty confident that I would be fine.

Watching video game playthroughs. I'd like to try to code again. But I struggle with brain fog and focusing.

You haven't been on in 5 days. I bet you got rid of messenger. You're good at getting rid of things that don't help you. It's a bit painful for me to look at the number go up every day. Silly girl.

He's gone. let him go. just breathe.

They had archery practice in our park today. I couldn't go. I'm terrified to go to that park. I don't ever want to go again. I'll just have a breakdown there. So I lie and say that I'm busy. And isolate myself more. Isolation. I really need to go to a depression meetup. There's one tomorrow night. I'm scared to go.

I miss you. Just sitting with it. Too tired to distract myself. So tired all the time.

**TRIGGER WARNING : attachment trauma

This is a journal entry and probably not healthy at all - don't be like me **

Silly me. Falling for the same tricks over and over. Coming back to check the same empty wells.

The definition of insanity.

If they don't like themselves, they'll leave you. So remind them why they should like themselves.

He hates himself. So he'll slowly disengage. Until he disappears. You'll keep grasping but you'll go home alone. Over and over again. And still want him. Even though they've shown you a million times.

You hate yourself, too. So you'll hold on to when they treated you like you were worth something. But that was all they had. The well is empty now. You should have rationed better.

People with attachment trauma often have magical thinking. Dream of a savior. But there is no savior - they say. They say you have to rescue yourself. The saddest thing you could tell me.

He's never coming. Dad is never coming. No one is ever coming. You're on your own kid.

Can we take a moment to grieve?

Happy Birthday!

I'm still shaking from sending you your birthday text. Because I don't know if you want me to kindly disappear forever. Or if you have someone new and talking to me will get you in trouble. But you are nice to me because I stayed at the B recently. Have to treat me with kid gloves. I hope that's not the case.

I wish I knew so I could stop overthinking it. I'm pretty certain that you are done with me. But I keep circling back to the question you asked on my birthday. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I feel like all I can do is wait.

I hope you have the best birthday today. Your friends, family, or someone special gives you all the love you deserve. You eat something yummy and get a big hug. You're an amazing person and deserve to be celebrated! I mean, you've worked so hard and come so far. I hope you can see that. Don't let any stress or anxiety take up space today. You can come back to it later. Today is just for you.

Happy birthday, tiger.

Had therapy yesterday. We agreed that journaling alone was pretty bad for me. I just re-enforce my magical thinking and obsessive thoughts. I need to practice catching my cognitive thinking traps. But I lost my DBT workbook. I don't really remember them.

Coming off of Pristiq is causing more depression than I thought it would. I thought I would just be more anxious. I'd like to go back to a normal dose, but all of these medications are destroying my body. I've had this probably false idea that if my meds had me working at a certain intellectual level, then I could start taking care of my body enough to slow down on the hard drugs.

But I may not ever hit that ideal level of functioning with medication. I need to start implementing what healthy "body" things I can.

I've been sleeping a lot lately and dreaming a lot. I keep waking up to knocking. Knocking is something new coming or something I am not dealing with (according to dream dictionaries). I don't remember what happens around the knocking to know the context.

Every time a thought of you pops up I have been asking my brain to please not do this now. Worrying won't change anything, and it doesn't give me any actionable options. It won't make you talk to me. It just keeps me stuck in this grief loop. So please, brain, we can't affect what will happen next. So let's not keep circling it. If you want to give me courage and an actionable option - you may bring that up. Otherwise, we will not circle grief and whatifs all day. Or if you want to unpack why we are frozen and unable to take any actions, that would also be super helpful and okay to do. But me thinking either "he's coming back," or "he's never coming back," or any value judgement on myself based on those? Uhm, no. We're not doing that anymore.

Going to find my DBT workbook. Going to be better. Not going to religiously check your "silent" status. Not going to watch the day counter go up. If you're not gonna do anything you don't get space here anymore.

Trigger warning: bang bang violence **

Silly me.

It has been a crazy few days for me, tiger. Not that we are talking anymore. I don't know if it is because of my stay in the hospital, because you have someone new, because it's just time? I guess my birthday talk was fake. Oh well. I genuinely do hope that you are doing well either way.

The OCD meds are helping me a lot. Unfortunately, the side effects are terrible. Gut issues, painful flushing, tremors, dry mouth, eyes and everything. The no more pleasure ever side effect. BUT, I can handle all the drama coming at me so well? I don't want to stop taking it.

Lots of family drama this past week. A ton. Non-stop avalanche. And friend drama. And work drama.

Today I close at work and there will be extra security. Because Sunday a customer threatened to bang bang the place up. I had to give a police report. An investigator is going to call me. I wanted to text you. But what can you do but worry? And tell me not to go back. And honestly, I'm not as scared as I thought I would be. I don't think it was a real threat. I've had enough angry, entitled people yell threats at me. I can tell when I am in danger. And I don't feel danger this time. But you can never be certain - thus the extra security.

My friends at work are in a tiff with each other, making it awkward for me. So I don't feel as emotionally safe. I don't want to carry any other burdens. Therapist said I can hold space for people without putting on a backpack and carrying their problems for them. Something I will have to practice.

Instead of working, what if I spent the day looking out the window and dissociating? It's a lovely day to dissociate.

I'm going to a concert this Friday. To see someone we have seen before. It feels wrong to go without you. I thought it was just going to be me and my sister going. Some bonding time. But actually it will be a group of her friends and me as a fourth or fifth wheel. Should've known. She asked if I had anyone to bring and I knew I couldn't bring you. She would not allow that ever. Funny, huh? Tables turned. I'll probably cry a lot. But maybe that will help. I secretly wished you were going to. Since I told you I was. But that is beyond silly when you completely stopped talking to me. You only talk to me if I am in crisis.

I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to be loved consistently? To be in love and not lonely?

It's okay if I don't.

This level of exhaustion is sickly. I had an energy drink, but I could fall asleep right here. Lots to figure out. I have time.

Storming this morning. Maybe all day.

I felt your hand let go of mine.

Cried in the aisle while he played ‘Our Love.’

I’ve been erased from your world completely. Does it bring you peace? I wish you every happiness.

I think a broken heart never goes away, new life just grows around it.

“Stormchaser, come back around”

Today I have to work with a man that makes me uncomfy. And a new security guard. Is there no safe place for a woman to just be?

Thank you for always being respectful of my womanhood.

It’s supposed to storm all day. But the sun is out. I like sunny storms. You would be sad when it was gray and cold.

Thinking about you when they told me to stop attaching to thoughts. Obsessions.

Tiger the obsession is strong. Thoughts and missing you and grief on repeat. I try to block out the sound with tv and video games. Try to stay distracted. But instead I search for any snippet left of you.

I promise overall I am doing better.

the days after my period are the worst. I feel the grief and desperation for relief the strongest. What if I showed up at your door? I know I shouldn’t. I won’t. But it’s so painful.

intrusive memories are non-stop. Intrusive problem solving. Could I get your attention this way? Would you love me if I was like this? Do I need to go inpatient?

I’m ashamed and embarrassed of my brain. It thinks if I just wish and pray and believe that you will come back and some happily ever after will happen.

that’s not real. Please wake up. No one is coming to save me. Please wake up from this.

so dramatic. Maybe these meds are making it worse.

it feels like I’m drowning again.

silly girl.

@honestWater865

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with obsessive thoughts and feelings related to your recent OCD diagnosis. It's understandable that you may feel conflicted about using the journal option on 'My Path' as a safe space to express your thoughts and feelings.

It's important to remember that the journal option is meant to be a private and secure space for you to reflect on your thoughts and emotions. While it may feel like a small chance, there is always a possibility that someone could stumble upon your journal. However, it's important to prioritize your own mental health and well-being by utilizing this tool as a means to express yourself freely, without the fear of judgment or consequences.

@miakitten9123

Thank you. It's a new struggle and I'm just not sure how to handle things yet.

Are you asking me to not use this forum anymore? I'm not offended, just asking for clarification.

I am so angry today. It started out as irritability, but now it is just pure bottled rage. Why do I have to go through all of these feelings again. I thought we were done with this. But now I have to do the whole grieving process again, I’m so angry and empty and tired.

why did you stop talking to me? Why were you nice to me in January? Why did you stop? Are you waiting for me or is it just over again? I’m tired. I’m carrying too much.

I need answers. I need relief. I’m so tired.

How to acknowledge obsessive thoughts.

I'm reading Relationship OCD. Which doesn't exactly fit my experience, but has some helpful things. One of them is not fighting the obsessive/intrusive thoughts. I'm trying to say "Hey there, obsessive thoughts" whenever my brain asks about him. Instead of begging for the thoughts to stop.

I do feel like it helps my nervous system at the very least. Instead of a fight or flight response, it's a kindof acceptance. If I can get myself out of fight/flight, maybe I can figure out if action is necessary or not. And then follow through?

He asked me about going to a play this week. But now it's been a month since we've talked. So I have to accept that it's not going to happen? Question mark? Am I supposed to say something?

I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I wish there was a worksheet to fill out for these things. I always forget to tell her something. I definitely want to mention that the obsessive thoughts are staying at 100. The depression. The tremors and dry mouth. Increased irritability. There's extra pressure because she is leaving for a while after this session.

I feel better on sunny days.

I acknowledge that I am thinking that I have a feeling of loss. I acknowledge that a part of me is missing him. I see my hurting part and offer her compassion.

What are we afraid of?

Hey tiger,

You texted me while I was in a psych appointment. Never did have good timing. We were talking about my obsessing over you. And what I should do. She said in our next session she is going to make me tell you this:

As much as I may miss and love you, and as much as you may love me back, if you can't choose me in front of your friends and family - and to MY friends and family, then we can't talk. Because I want it too badly. And it hurts too much to stay in constant grief.

I'm terrified to say anything like this. Because it's the final goodbye blow. And I don't want to give up. Even though my therapist, psych, friends, and family REALLY want me to. We would have to do so much convincing to so many people. Or stop caring what they think.

I felt lucky that you wanted to share your pictures with me. But I wondered who was there with you while you took them. And jealous if you were able to adventure on your own.

In the meantime, my psychiatrist gave me some behavioral homework. I've never had this before. So hoping that it works. We are trying to make my world bigger. So that when a part goes missing it won't be so devastating. I have to:

• Take a picture of myself at THREE meetups.
• Call or text friends/family when the obsessive thoughts are on loop.
• Apply for some jobs (number not specified, I'm gonna say three)

I have one month to complete these tasks. To a lot of people they may seem easy, but this is pretty overwhelming to me. And to know that I'll have to send you that message at the end.

But there's also a bit of hope and excitement. A little jolt of enthusiasm at making it a project.

I don't know how things will work out in the end. But I'm grateful for the journey.

I miss you.

I love you.

Please tell me you’re ready

to take me home

A Switch has been Flipped

Is this journal a healthy thing? I have questions about attachment trauma, IPSV, Stockholm syndrome, and bipolarity.

My attachment addiction was quelled just a tiny bit and my brain did a 180. Or is it hormones that cause the switch?

Because I went from a desperate need to a primal fear. Like a voice creeped out, “Did you forget?”

A picture of whom I’ve been longing sends a panic to my chest. An aversion.

The switch is so violently quick and acute that I get whiplash. And it reminds me that I can’t trust what I believe at any given time — because it will probably change.

I feel crazy. I feel 100% in the change. But I was 100% in the before.

How do you learn to know what is true when your brain constantly lies to you?

Starting new medications always throw you into a rollercoaster again. Up and down moods. Side to side. I have to keep a journal to see what is real. I’m 80% of the time one way about an issue - and then a rollercoaster hits.

Overall it seems true that I want to quit this job this summer. Overall I am still grieving him. Overall, I become codependent when someone shows me safe emotional intimacy.

Overall, my world has been so small that when a piece drifts away it feels like pangaea shifting.

overall, I am able to survive many world shatterings. Overall I find the sunlight again.

I’m going to make my world bigger. I’m going to take up more space.

Where are you? And I’m so sorry~

I want to talk to you. I want to ask if you’d go to the botanical gardens with me. I want to tell you all I’ve learned about myself in the past three years. I want to ask if your hopes and dreams have changed. Want to ask about your family. Want to know about new friends you’ve made and new experiences you’ve had.

The estradiol dump is over. About three days of feeling averted and avoidant. I’m more aware of the cycle now. I know that the thoughts are not necessarily true. I wish I could explain jt to you. Would it ease the hurt?

Maybe tonight I will be brave and show you the gardens. Working until 9 at night every day has really messed with any social life.

I hope you are well.

Eragrostis Spectabilis

Plants well in open full sun; tolerant of hot dry conditions. Handles light foot traffic. Spreads slowly; goes dormant in winter.

We went to the botanical garden together. When I made those plans I was so excited and hopeful. The day of I was pretty nervous and struggling with mood symptoms. It was devastating to see you in your work uniform. Hard to accept that you were lying about where you were again. But I was grateful that you were at least honest with me about it. Progress.

Monday I was severely food poisoned. So I was pretty nauseous without the anxiety. I didn't mean to be a butthead about getting food before we went. But I was terrified to sit across from you at a restaurant - I knew it would bring up too many memories. And it did. And I remember perfectly ever bump and line in your forehead. The exact pattern of your hairline.

I wanted to drive separately just in case one of us felt the sudden need to bail. Who knew what would be said and how earth-shattering it might have been.

I'm really proud of myself for asking if I should be waiting. I have been emotionally constipated on that for three years. Confused about the words you said. You'd be okay if I moved on with someone else, but you don't think you'll love anyone else. Confusing. Disappointed and angry when I get stuck in my career/life. I still am. All the time.

You told me your parents will hate anyone they don't choose. Nothing I could do. I explained how everyone in my world feels about you. You asked about moving in together. But I don't make much and you will not like seeing how stuck I am in my tiny, depressed, hoarder apartment.

I was really taken aback by your political values. It's maybe a dealbreaker. Compassion towards everyone is very important to me. But maybe I would need to hear more from you to understand.

You told me about thinking in facts versus emotions. But tiger, I still don't understand. Because all of the facts point to us never being able to be happy together. But I'm still so emotionally obsessed and tethered to you. Even though it felt so different. I was dealing with a grown, hurt man instead of the happy, mischievous boy. Is he still in there? I love him so.

Romeo, I may just cry for you my whole life. I just wish I knew how to calm the waters. How to accept the good and the bad and the uncertainty. I hope you know that no matter what happens, I would be there for you in a moment if you ever called. I will always want your health and happiness. With me or without me. And maybe you would be happier without me and the baggage I bring.

I hope you know that you can love someone else. You have an amazing ability to see beauty in the often overlooked. I'm so grateful that you saw me and loved me. And if you met someone new I hope you know that you have the capability to love and be loved just as strong, if not stronger, than we did.

I'll probably cry a bunch for a few days. And overthink. But we'll be okay no matter what happens.

I’m having a lot of obsessive thoughts this weekend. Lots of questions without answers — or is it that I don’t like the answers?

I finished reading Relationship OCD. It had plenty of helpful things even if it isn’t exactly my complicated situation. Trying to accept uncertainty is so difficult.

My mind keeps replaying the “antiwoke” conversation with loops of “mgtow” in the background. Screaming red flag! Run! My rational brain tells me all the reasons why not. But then why do you keep bringing him up?

An endless loop of what ifs and daydreams, none of which are actionable or helpful.

He doesn’t like when I’m stuck. I worked really hard to get unstuck from the deep country, sleeping on couches, staying with my sister in our toxic home, getting my own place. I’m sorry I wasn’t making enough money for you. But I moved out on my own and I have a nice apartment and my own car and phone. All while battling mental illness, fibro, and our ups and downs.

I’m not sorry if that wasn’t good enough. But I’m hurt.

Despite all these things I miss you. Or am I just desperately lonely? So afraid to mess up and cause any more hurt. My brain won’t stop circling you and us — a buzzard over roadkill. Staying with you in DC is my happiest and most painful memory. It was silly for me to think that it could always be like that. ***, we fought while we were there. But how good it felt when we were okay…

I’m in no place to think rationally or make any decisions— not that I really can. Riding my own roller coaster is exhausting. So to keep everyone safe, I try not to act until I feel uncrazy(Definition pending).

Doesn’t that mean you just stay stuck?

Yes. Yes it does.

I hope we can find peace and clarity this summer. We’ve been in pain for so long.

(Should I move this to the new personal journals forum? Can a mod do that?)

Edit: all that just to be missing you terribly when the night comes

This morning is starting right off with obsessions and anxiety. Does the intensity mean I am near the end of my cycle?

I keep thinking he will talk to Chris today. Chris will tell him I am pathetic and to go for the girl at their office. Or so anxiety monster says. Anxiety says if he doesn’t talk to you today it’s because of this.

have to breathe. Remind myself there is no evidence. Just chill and focus on my work. Try to be nice to all my coworkers and job hunt on my breaks. we got this

Finally Rain.

We haven't had rain in the valley for so long. Everything was so dry and dusty. Hopefully some green will come back. I saw a big round cardinal this morning. My grandma's favorite bird. It's her birthday today and I feel like her spirit is visiting.

I've been having the obsessive thoughts a lot. Probably because of what tomorrow is. I am trying not to hold on to the thought too tightly. I just need two things from you. And want one more, but NEED only the two. One: reassurance on shared values. Do we have the same values? I'm not sure right now and having silly obsessive thoughts. Two: For our families to know. And then I am willing to do whatever. The third is just a want, just a verbal promise.

But in lieu of any of that, I am trying to take better care of myself. I was working on my resume and public career profiles. It was really overwhelming. I would like someone to sit down and do it with me. Because I don't know how to turn off B*** Brain. She just wants to tell me that I have no skills and no one will hire someone out of retail. I don't even know what a proper salary would look like! I'm so used to living just above the poverty line.

My summer goal is still to find a new job. And keep going out to network. I hope this slight hypomania stays long enough for me to do that.

I hope today is easy and slow.

Today is a hard day.

i just want to talk to you, but I’m too afraid. My inner child daydreamed you would come over after work. And while my rational self tried to tell her that wouldn’t happen - she still cried when you didn’t come.

I started ocd.app since I can’t afford a professional ocd therapist. Hopefully I can get these thoughts under control and not be living in *** all of the time.

I just really wish you were here and we could talk. I’m so confused. But I don’t want to cause any more pain.

Am I still waiting? Or are you? Or was that a goodbye?

I’m so confused. Please talk to me.

I love you.

Honey, Honey, Honey - you’re the death of me

The thoughts are strong today, which is normal for post menstrual. My heart rate has stayed at 130. That scares me. I am shaky with anxiety and tremors from medication.

Can I see you again soon?

What are the differences between limerence, erotomania, and ROCD? How does one get help for them? I have a trauma therapist now, but she hasn’t been able to crack this. I’ve done this for a long time. I did it over Marina, and I used to do it over high school crushes. Just constantly struggling with obsessive thoughts of someone. Do I want them to save me? Is it a release from loneliness and abandonment? I can’t feel like a neglected child if I am living in a fantasy of maybe being loved.

Is it because I was a military brat? Always waiting for someone far away.

It’s hard feeling so alone all the time.

I miss you.

I’m grateful we got to have breakfast together, but seeing you leaves me with the same problem as before — I want more than you can give. And it’s still just sneaking around.

How can I take care of myself so that I feel fulfilled enough to not want. Trying to heal a neglected child.

I’m burnt out and need another break. Despite FMLA, I’m still unable to properly take care of myself. Struggle to get myself groceries, get in exercise, have a clean habitat… the medications have greatly improved my overall mood, but I’m still exhausted and stuck. Working every other day is still too much.

If I could just call off for a few days, maybe…

My parents came up today. I had a trauma response when I saw my niece… and talked about my sister and her coming over. How do I train myself to not respond like that? I hate it. I’m ashamed and feel so guilty.

I want to be in your arms watching a movie. But thinking about how we lost that makes me cry.

This is just a hard day. It will be okay.

I only seem to post when I'm unhappy. This is not a fair assessment of my overall mood. **

I definitely need to join a chat or a group today. I am so lonely. The next two days I have nothing to do. Being alone in the house is so difficult. When I had a roommate and a pet, it was easy to keep a cleaning/workout/eating schedule. My routine bounced off of theirs and I was never totally alone. Even if I was just body doubling with the cat.

I struggle so much to do things when I'm alone. I just dissociate and get stuck in a freeze state. I tried to clean my room but it only lasted a few minutes before I dissociated and found myself on the floor. We did this as a child as well. I would struggle so much to do homework or to clean my room. Having my mother guilt me into it -- and eventually having a routine of always doing homework right after I got home or on the bus -- was the ONLY way to get anything done.

Unfortunately, the two ADHD medications I tried gave me serious side effects. And I refuse antipsychotics. PLEASE send HELP. How do I get myself out of freeze state? Out of stuck? Out of executive DISfunctioning?

I can feel myself collapsing now. Hard dissociation. I'm lonely and stuck. I'm ready to move back home or with H. If I could get myself to get rid of 2/3 of my crap this summer, before my lease is up.

I need more supportive people in my life. Who can consistently be there. I don't know what reliable and consistent relationships feel like. I know how to do alone. I'm a pro at alone. And I'm sick of that. Maybe if I go to group, they can tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Listening to Broken, by Lifehouse, in the tub alone, while working on your IFS art for your inner teen, is a dumb thing to do.

Fully sobbing into the lyrics and letting my inner preteen wallow in the deep abandonment wound (that she didn’t even realize was there) may be detrimental in the long run.

But it helped me realize something about my manipulative ways. This online journal, the blogs, the art, following him on games, changing myself for others, being a mirrorball, trying everything I can to get love without simply talking about it.

I didn’t have a voice growing up - specifically with my father.

** trigger warning: daddy issues **

I’m a navy brat and my dad would be gone 6-9 months of the year. This was before skype or whatsapp. And when he was home he still had a 9-5 job at the shipyard. I rarely saw him and wanted full attention when he was home (which naturally did not happen). Baby me didn’t understand.

On top of that we had the rule that I could never tell him about my mental illness or being sad because “he might leave us,” or “he can’t handle it.” But really it was mom who couldn’t handle me.

So I was voiceless. Who was I going to ask for a hug? Or to talk to? Not starved of love but it was so precious and rationed. I felt the hunger for it, for closeness, for security. I feel it now so deeply - like primal. Like an animal. I’m constantly fasting from security, reliability, consistency, everyday love. So when I get a bit, that I have to manipulate out of people, I hang on so tightly (but so secretly). I can’t let you know I need it - you’ll take it away because I’m too much (mom programming). And I may not get any for a long time, because it always leaves (dad programming). And it isn’t unconditional - I have to be happy and well - or else you’ll leave (both program).

No wonder my inner preteen falls apart to this song. No wonder I hold on for dear life.

I need to give myself some self love.

Dreamt about teeth under my big toenail surrounded by shreds of a lost nail. But when I touched them with a needle or something metal, the polish wore off and they were black and rotten teeth. I pulled a couple out and a felt circle with a needle through it also came out. I took them to a school nurse.

“Toenails may symbolize self-perception about how skilled, talented, intelligent, powerful, or rich you feel yourself to be.

To dream of teeth represents your vitality and self-confidence. A reflection of how good you feel about your physical appearance, talents, or anything that gives you status or power. Feelings about how permanently confident you are capable of being. Teeth falling out lack of control.” - dreambible

Also dreamed of doing buys of old 50s gas station stuff. Old sodas, one was sea water, in glass bottles. Those spinning lollipop toys, a giant slimjim type thing in brown paper..

Intrusive thoughts that he slept with a coworker in KC. Intrusive thoughts that he was with her Tue/Thurs. no evidence. Thoughts keep coming like arrows from the sky. No good mornings or good nights. Unsafe in silence. Hormones high.

Thoughts are just thoughts - not facts.

Not sure what to do, so I’m stuck in freeze.

I’m so deeply lonely all the time. I’m trying to build community, but I come home alone and feel so empty.

I hug a pillow or take a bath to feed my touch starvation. I cry instead of asking or begging for attention. I open the text screen and wait…

I don’t want to go back to the hospital for loneliness. It feels pathetic.

I need help though.

If an audience was watching, they would ask why I’m not happy now. Thank you for coming to see me. For telling me you pick me, for holding me and letting me cry.

I wish we wouldn’t have… just so I wouldn’t have this doubt about if you can respect my boundaries.

I don’t feel good. I feel like something bad is going to happen. Like you won’t come back from England. Or will change your mind.

i don’t feel at all safe. The huge problem, the giant hole, still stands between us Romeo.

11:11. i don’t know where this road will end.

I need to see you and be reassured right now. But as always I can’t have that.

Want to go to my parents and cry.

Maybe the reduction in lithium is also at play here.

Please don’t break my heart again.