I’m not sure what to feel🩷TW

hi everyone🩷I hope your day is as wonderful as you are! look at you, shining bright like the stars :0✨💓/lh I know we all struggle sumtimes. we are all human after all🩷its just not possible to always be happy🩷it’s okay🩷but let me tell you, your resilience is just so awe-inspiring. :0 It’s like a masterpiece that deserves to be showcased in a museum!💖/vvvvgen

research in psychology and neuroscience has shown that the human spirit is incredibly resilient.(and guess what :D that’s you :D/lh💕)our capacity for growth and strength knows no bounds even in the toughest and darkest of times.💖so keep holding onto that hope?💗because brighter days are ahead💜there’s a spark within each of us that refuses to be extinguished. It’s like an inner flame that flickers, lighting up even the darkest corners of our lives. you’re a part of this huge community- I see it as a lil virtual family- and here you’re never alone🩷we’re here to support each other💕and yu know what💖? your presence in this community is a testament to that resilience. every time you share your struggles/victories/ever just a kind word of support you’re igniting that flame within yourself and others💗it’s like a chain reaction of love and positivity that spreads so far and wide💜touching the lives of everyone it encounters.💕/alsovvgen💗

sending you lots of love!🌈💓and yus I did scroll all the way up my long post to add a little bit of positivity xD I realized I was being too depressing xD💜but for the sake of your beautiful soul💖I’m gonna put a tw here. for everything I think might be a trigger in this forum. but ofcourse either way you don’t have to read on🩷I guess having this all here is enough and it is already hard to reply considering how long this is- and just not finding the words🩷I know sum people might just not care but I just wanted to let anyone that does know that it’s okay- I’ll accept your care through telepathy hehe ;3💕🧠⚡️🧠💕/lh💜💕

TW (i was kind of struggling to fill this bit in- but I’m trying💜) trauma(abuse/r), blood, vomiting, eating disorders, (cw: religion), criminals are mentioned, threats(I honestly forgot if I included that or not but I’m kinda too tired to check-), (cw: I think I should include the negative tone💙because I don’t want it to affect anyone.) I’m sorry if I missed anything🩷also if there’re any grammar/spelling mistakes I’m sorry about that too🩷if yu are still planning to read :p good luck💗 

today was a really really- indescribable?🤍day. and I just wanted to post about it.🤍I hope that’s okay🤍

I wanna go back to the beginning because I know only sum people know about it💜but when I was(barely)three years old my mom ran away- it was a whole scene- I still remember it. but I guess that can be for another time.🩷

I always kinda knew she ran away from my dad. just the way he was running after her and yelling sum things and she ran out and. idk. I just sumtimes wish she would’ve taken me with her. 

so back to today- maybe- nine? years later🤍

saturday- today my dad booked a movie for my brother and I had to come. it was a really silly movie. kinda violent maybe scary for me but only 13+ and it’s called "the kingdom of the planet of the apes" I’m not sure- sum things I just couldn’t take seriously. It was nice🩷

so the plan was he was gonna drop us off then go buy sum stuff and also there was something wrong with my school skirt and everyone knows the quality of our school uniform just sucks so he was gonna go and get that fixed- the movie was 145 minutes- 2 hours and..25 minutes?🤍atleast I think so. 

so he dropped us off there while there were still ads going on and he left to go do all that.

he was leaving the mall and got stopped by a police officer. the police officer grabbed his hands and said he’d be in jail for the next 2 days- until they figure things out atleast. 

so in this mall there’s a security office- one I’ve never ever seen before and never knew it existed- it’s almost at the exit of the mall. 2 really small white doors that lead to this big room I’ve never been in before.

they took him in there- and in that room there was this sort of cage? where the criminals/people who committed a crime would be locked until they’re sent to jail/(most likely prison)

before that my dad called my uncle- random details but his brother obviously and he was 10 years older than my dad. 

my uncle came in there and argued with this guy that worked there about how he was about to pick up his (my dad’s) kids and they couldn’t see him like this. so they let him go. 

they wanted to take us out right away but they decided to wait until the movie finished. 

I wanna talk about this because I feel like it’s important- before today I don’t remember ever seeing my uncle being serious. maybe I have but I don’t remember it- he’s got this whole character honestly. dark humor inappropriate jokes purposely embarrassing- I can’t even begin but he’s just seriously the most unserious person I know. he once(okay more than once)got down on his knee and started yelling some things in public and he’d randomly start doing the same dance every time we’re out- I get easily embarrassed and I’m not gonna go on to the things he’s said because :') moving on. 

so I was leaving the cinema- the lights turned on and I was kinda laughing because there was this one horse in the movie and it’s walk was just☠️it was walking so iconically- I can’t explain it- and also the apes were doing this thing together near the end like I’m not gonna quote it but they were just letting out their inner ape✨and that was funny too🩷

so I go out and obviously my uncles there signaling at us to come. I didn’t have my glasses- I never wear my glasses. but I try to remember them for cinemas(I never do-)

I thought it was my dad. they don’t even look alike. but when I got closer I realized it was him and I was just like☠️becos he’s just everywhere- and he always shows up at the most unexpected times-

but he was just. so.- like his mind was somewhere else? he had the same expression on his face the whole time. 

then eventually he for sum reason put his hand on my neck which. we’re gonna ignore that detail. and he was like talking about this problem we had. 

so he knows I suck at the language he was trying to speak- my language. so he switched to english ofcourse, and he started the sentence with "so…….your- mom.-" idk he was stuttering a lot I felt like I should include that-

and when he said mom I genuinely thought he was talking about my grandma and got the words mixed up. my uncles good at english- he works at a company that only speaks all english. but older people in my family get words/names especially mixed up a bit often- I was waiting for him to correct himself but he went on. 

he said that our mom "filed a low case" against our dad. and that she wants to take us. 

I swear I was trying to look at his face to see if he was joking- but eventually I asked really and he confirmed it- 

I asked where we were going and he said we were going to the security office to talk to the police and that our mom was gonna come and all that. I thought we were gonna go to a police department- but I found out that was just there in the mall. 

so my dad was sitting infront of the cage he was in on this couch. I wanna remind whoever decided to still read this that the people in there were criminals- and for 6 hours while they were staring at me and my brother I was confused and found it kinda funny and scary- there were I think 4 men? and every time I’d look behind me they’d be making such strong serious eye contact- and where they were sitting was facing the other way too but they just kept staring at us- I thought they were trying to like hear us or see how our dad was with us and all that- I thought they worked there-

a lot happened in the 6 hours I was stuck there. but I’m gonna start with what I found out. 

so me and my main family have always moved a lot- but there are 3 main kind of places we’ve moved from and to. I’m gonna call them z1 z2 and z3- none of the countries start with Z :p but i think it’s easier and safer that way🩷

so I’ve moved to a lot of places in z1 before- but still all in z1. so when we came to move to z2 all I knew was that there was a problem and the traveling ended up taking months- and for those months I haven’t been going to a school and I’ve kinda messed up my skin- I used to sleep at 6-8am and wake up at 10pm-12am (or later)- my screen time was just all the time I was awake- I was really young btw. I couldn’t shower myself- mostly cos I just wasn’t taught to. and I never got to at the time. i couldn’t take care of myself. I used to watch videos on getting perfect skin and stuff like that at 9 when my skin was already perfect- it was just me, my brother and my grandfather. we were just really lost. I also realized how bad my hair was and put a bunch of products on it and spent hours on it after that till my wrists hurt and I started crying because I damaged my hair horribly- I have really really really thick hair and I hate it. it’s like I can lose so much hair but it’s still just.- never ending ;-; i don’t even know how to explain it. 

so I just got really messed up in those months and developed a ton of unhealthy habits and even an eating disorder(diagnosed) and a horrible obsession with my appearance- I had too much screen time and I guess writing this makes me realize I wouldn’t really last that long without a legal guardian-

I found out that that problem we had with traveling was- idk the details- but my dad couldn’t travel the country with her kids (us). when we made it to z2 apparently she also wanted to take us out for mcdonalds and take us around the city- but my family didn’t let her because I guess they didn’t trust her enough in not kidnapping us? idk it kinda bothers me writing that. 

and now we moved to z3 which is here- I thought it was because of my dad’s work. idk how she did it- but she found us and even moved here- and this case she filed against my dad is new ish- it’s harder to get away now. 

on monday my dad has to go on this thing(the thing was said in my language which again I kinda suck at-)and make a statement about how he waited for her to come after she filed against him with their kids for 8 hours and she never showed up. my dad waited for an extra 2 hours. 

my uncle was there the whole time. in the third hour he asked us what we wanted for food and denying it wasn’t allowed for him. and dad just kept yelling over me anyway and said anything so my uncle ended up getting something that just :') ever since I was young this made me so sick- everyone knows that- I feel horrible for days. I’m not allergic just this excruciating pain comes with eating this for me. 

I noticed obviously but I kept trying to take more bites anyway because I didn’t want my uncle to know just how much I didn’t like it :') he’s spent money for it💜for me.🩷and it’s so unfair. even when I was tearing up I kept trying. 

:') the way I felt for the next hours :') I feel like the best way to describe it is I felt like I was dying.

i spent so long vomiting and I genuinely didn’t even take that many bites. then I started vomiting blood again which honestly- pretty normal atp- i vomit blood even if I hadn’t been vomiting. Im pretty sure it started with after the starving myself for months I couldn’t stop binge eating- someone said only you can control what goes in your mouth but it was so bad-not the point- but after that I started making myself throw up even if I hadn’t eaten anything and one time I didn’t actually eat anything but just breaking down about my(severely underweight- but I saw myself as fat even tho I knew my bmi)weight and just did that again and after that my heart started hurting really really bad. and I started vomiting blood since then- back to now tho- I was crying so hard my eyes swelled up- I had a tic attack and I still can’t shake the feeling until now. 

in I’m pretty sure the sixth hour my uncle did end up getting these small snacks and I really appreciated him still being there :') my uncle was traveling the next early morning for work but he still stayed with us for so long. I guess that makes me happy🩷everything was so sad there but he stayed the whole time and he knew he didn’t have to. 

my dads thinking of getting a lawyer. 

he kept cussing her out the whole time we were there and on our way home. we got home at a few minutes before 12am. my dad told my grandparents all that happened(with tons of edits tho-)and I hugged them both and told them I wouldn’t let anyone take me away from them. right now, I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what to think- it was so fast in the slowest way possible? I don’t know what to do. I thought she died I genuinely thought she died. I know my mom and I know I remember her. my brother doesn’t remember much tho I was younger than him. he just knows that disgusting image of her my dad put in his mind. she’s trying so hard and she’s fighting. she’s giving her everything for us and she’s been through so much but she’s trying. I know my mom. I always wished she took us with her when she did run away. but when I was 5/6 years old I told my friends at the time about it and they all kept saying she was probably dead. which I guess that helped :') they said if she really loved us she would’ve tried harder or came back or something. my family is really religious- they told me that on the last three days of ramadan if you’ve been good that year and had more good deeds than bad then if you look up at the sky and see the full moon and make a wish it’d come true. that god would make it come true. I’m religious too but I don’t know. I made the same wish for years. I wished that I’d see my mom again. but eventually I just wished that she was happy- or that she found someone else and is now a part of a beautiful family. I wished she’d forgotten about us. 

when our uncle told me about it all I was going through so much in my head but the thoughts. I feel like I can’t think right now. I got excited to scared to confused to happy to relieved but mad and just scared. I was really scared. all I could picture was too much. I really miss my mom. I know she wanted to give me better days. I don’t know why she didn’t show up. my uncle says after my dad came here the day before and a couple other days before that on and off they must’ve memorized his face and were able to tell it was him. my dads getting a lawyer- he’s thinking of my cousin- my cousins a lawyer. she just got married and we couldn’t show up because of the whole thing. they called her but she hasn’t called back till now.

i keep saying it. but I really dont know what to think. my dads been being so manipulative since he found out about the case- I know my dads not a good person. but that’s what scares me. my dads not just not a good person :') there’s too much to it and I feel like I can talk about this another day. my moms been traveling the world for us. literally from z1 to z2 is a whole other continent- I forgot how many hours the flight was but I know it’s far. the same city isn’t a coincidence. then from z2 to z3- it took her a while but she literally fully moved here too. I’m just scared. I don’t wanna be asked anything. I’m still not old enough anyway- I’m too tired to reread if I talked about that already or not- but in my country in this situation I can’t pick or choose for myself- my brother can because he’s older. I can’t put together how I feel. all my trauma has come from living with him. all my pain off school site has come from him. I feel like I’ve been taken over. he’s destroyed who I could’ve been the day my mom left. I swear I remember being four and going to my brother jumping up and down and going "he didn’t () me!". I hate my younger self so much. I still haven’t even seen my mom. so it’s still almost 10 years. I want to live with my mom but I feel like I can’t. maybe I don’t entirely hate myself if I hate that this is happening to me. I’m scared my dad will win. he always gets what he wants. I’m just so tired. this has gotten so messy. :') and there’s still just- so much-. I just know I’m gonna mock myself for this later. I should go put the tws🩷if you’ve actually dedicated sum time to read till here :p wow :p resilience✨/j actually tho thankyou💗you’re amazing.💓either way.🩷