my space

i miss the way things were. i dont miss them, but how thinfs were. it will never go back, and i know that now, so now i need to learn to move on, and thats alrifht. i know that things are better eithout them. im getting close-ish to 7 months sh clean. im in therapy. im learning to take care of myself and like myself, at least a little bit. i am better without them, but i still miss thw way thinfs were.

I dont think ive told yall about my family, but ive been meaning to, so why not now! dont mind any typos, ive had a bad night and still calming down, this is my distraction. they arent my real 'i brought you up' family, but they arent alters either (not enough childhood trauma for thatttt). theyre more of pieces of me. i saw aomebody give a name to it on here, but guess whos too lazy to look? yeah, me, thats right. numbers have gone up and down, but currently theres 2 main and 1 one who aint around all that often. they are my family, my blood, the ones who understand. its been a little bit blurry recwntly becahse ive been getting worse, etc etc. they are different aspects of me, pushed into people who help me out. i am in control of them, for the most part. and they are so amazing. seriously. when things arent too too bad, they help out so much. first, there's momma. she's the part of me that is good. she helps take care of me, reminds me to do simple things like brush my teeth, or drink water after ive cried. she walks me through breathing and keeps me distracted if ive just had a breakdown (but am able to think enough to start 'recovering'). shes cool with anything (and makes hecking dad jokes to cheer me up sgjshfsfjshfsth). and then theres my brother. hes awesome. hes me except hes the me whos gone through all this bad stuff and is better for it. hes strong but in a way that is good. 'self pity will do you no good' sitting around and hurting is alright, when its impossible to get out, but if you sink into the pit of feeling bad about yourself and such, youre not going to feel better. its okay to feel what you feel, but its easy to get trapped. he is who i want to be; he is me. he helps fully pick me up, and yet also its me who does the picking up because i am him. i am both of them. i know that they are just parts of me who ive crafted in order to get my through my worst times. i know this. and its.helped me so so much. i am forever grateful for them. anywaysss, how are yall?

hehe theres ghost votersssssss

fucking helllllllllllllllll. i dont want to have a brain. somebody else want mine? im tired of all this. "give me a break from all this bullshit"

@ferventflame Can anyone get in on this brain exchange? lol - cause I go for something different

@ahhhhelpimalive It's beautiful there! And cold - it's cold here too

i cant. im so tired. nothing makes sense, its so blurry. im exhausted and it just hurts. i dont know. hhhhh. but im safe, i have to be. i promised myself. its the one promise i know i can keep if i try hard enough. i just have to keep living. self pity will do me no good, i will get through this. i think? i hope? idk

byebye realityyyyyyyyyy

still here, dont know if im grtting worse or better. but im alive, im here, im breathinf, and thats enough <3 self pity will do me no good, i just have ti hold on, no matter what hapens

@ferventflame

@emotionalTalker2260

Thank you both so so much for your replies <3<3<3 hugs for whoever wants them, well wishes, hope you're both doing alright

y'all are awesome and i'm so so grateful for you <3

i just have to seperate myself for a while. me during the day, mirroring and doing stupid things, and the real me, who i know i am. i need to keep that part safe, because even if i cant feel that way for a while, even if it's getting tough, i need to keep it. becuase that is me. the spiders are gone, things are still scary, but less bad. ups and downs are getting worse since i've gotten close to clouds again, but i expected that

<3