my space
hmmm, my thread is gone, idk why., did i do something wrong?
one of my favorite, and best working, coping mechanisms is talking to myself. it doesn't help in the moment of a breakdown, i feel too shitty at that point, but afterwords, or after a tough day or week, or even after an up, i talk to myself. i talk through why i may have felt that way, how i felt, how it affected me. this only really happens when i'm feeling alright, after i've been helped back up by momma (i realllllyyyyyy need to explain about them, my blood, my real family. not alters though, not enough childhood trauma for DID). but then i talk through things, and i look at what happened from a different perspective. i comfort myself, remind myself that even if it may seem like it, i'm not a bad person. and maybe that even if nobody can really love me for who i am, they love how i behave, and how i behave is allowed to be part of who i am. and thats its alright if i dont always feel like myself, this is just my life, and there will be tough times, but things will improve. that i deserve care, and i dont need to punish myself or surround myself by negative things. because i'm only human. and this helps, so much. it's tough to be able to think in that way, but sometimes i can be stronger than my thoughts, and i can manage, and it feels amazing. and that's where i am right now. it's been tough, and not a fun week, but i've managed, and that's enough c:
@ahhhhelpimalive Hey 💙 You're not a bad person. We have bad moments - we have times when maybe we over react or handle things worse then we should but life is kind of like that sometimes. We're all just sort of winging it and figuring things out as we go along. With time I think things get better - I think we learn how to manage and cope with things better
I think you're pretty awesome and I'm glad I met you here 💙
I can't. im so tired of this shit. i'm on the verge of yet another breakdown, it's been at least one a day, i want to scream my brains out. i hate this so much, but i'm faking it all, i know. i'm so worthless. i am not a good person, i ruin everything. i will push them away, i dont deserve them, im just going to hurt them and all of their friends, i know it. i ruin everything. and not like how everybody else says but in truth they've actually done nothing wrong but you feel like you should assure them and stuff, no. please, theres no need for comfort or anything like that. i know that i ruin so much. its my fault. i deserve to be hurting, to be feeling so lost.
but hey quick recap of my day because y e a h. i had an alright morning, even going well. dissociation and stuff like that and kinda a down, got worse and worse, turns out that i made somebody jealous by hanging out with the person who i mentioned yesterday, who i've only started talking to y e s t e r d a y but then that spiralled into me hating myself etc etc because i cannot have good friendships, i either get too close or never feel like myself, i get hurt or i hurt somebody, i'm destined to be alone, blah blah blah. haven't been eating much, i felt really dizzy in the afternoon, mixed with dissociation, accidentally hurt myself, surprised i didn't faint, i was barely there at all, so so fuzzy, terrifying. great fun
it's been up and down, but in the end, today was alright. i thought i would distance myself from them, but in the end i got closer to them and their s/o, but in a good wayyyy! and my dad was willing to listen about applications, and therapy was therapy. so, terrifying and not great but also alright at the same time. we're working on dbt skills and my homework is to not assume how people feel, and instead to work on "are we okay?" and stuff like t h a t. woo. g re a t fun. i'm feeling alright, was a little anxious today, and i dont like how small my apatite is, but i ate things, and im here!
@ahhhhelpimalive Hey you :)
I'm glad today turned out ok in the end and that you're doing alright 💙 Therapy homework - ugh. I'm sorry to hear you had some anxiety today - tbh - it was an issue here too. I'm glad you were able to eat even with alittle appetite. That's a definite win in my book
Stay awesome!
@mytwistedsoul
And you too, my forum friend! Anxiety can be tough, I hope that things improve for you! 💙
You aren't a bother, no matter how much it may seem you are, and you matter, very much!
@ahhhhelpimalive Thank you 💙 I hope things improve for you too 😊
it hasn't been the best day. idrk why, though :c just an eh day, dissociation, slightly less here, probably a breakdown night, self hate, etc
bad breakdown last night, still feel not great at all. so so tired, didn't feel safe for a while which was why i was off of cups. feel so alone
@ahhhhelpimalive
*waves and sits besides you* 🤍 here for you.
@ferventflame
and you too, thank you flamsie 💙💙💙
@ahhhhelpimalive Hey 💙 I'm sorry you had a rough night last night. Is there anything that helps you when you don't feel safe? Maybe putting together alittle toolbox might help. You could use a shoebox or something similar - maybe put in music you like - a stuffed animal or two - maybe some mints or chocolates - they can help with grounding too. Maybe paper to write on and some cool pens. Or coloring books and crayons - that can be calming. If you can cover it with plain paper you can decorate it and make it more personal
Just some suggestions - no pressure of course 💙
@mytwistedsoul
Thanks for the suggestion! 💙 That's quite a good idea, I did something slightly like that, I made a growth path here on cups to help me calm down, but I tend to try and stay off the internet when I'm feeling bad, as to not do anything stupid. Having something in real life sounds smart! 💙💙💙
@ahhhhelpimalive You're welcome 💙 it something I learned about here and it's been helpful. I do the same thing - keep to myself when it's real bad but - I hope you know that you can allways write here on your thread or talk with your friends here. I'm sure they'd understand if you're having a bad day - sometimes that can help calm things too - connecting with people. You have to do what's right for you though
I hope tonight is better for you and you're able to get some rest
Be gentle with yourself ok? 💙
back down, again. which implies that i was doing better. idk. just feels like im loosing, over and over and over. dont really trust myself, i'm scared of myself. i dont know myself. breakdowns more than once every day. hate this. i should probably reach out for help
i have to get up. every single day. and be a normal person and act how society wants me to act and i have to learn and get a job and earn basic necessities, and try to be happy and talk to others and be alive. and i will have to do this for years. so many years. and this terrifies me. i'm so tired already, i don't want to have to do all of this. i have to pretend to be somebody who i'm not for the rest of my life
@ahhhhelpimalive Hey :) 💙 It is terrifying you're right. I think as we get older we learn ways to cope and manage things better. Maybe we find ways to fit in without giving up too much of ourselves? I hope anyway. There's no real time line to figuring yourself out - I mean yeah - you have to work to pay bills and get things you need - but hopefully you don't have to pretend to be someone you're not. As long as you try - that's what counts the most I think. Do you have a therapist ot someone who can gently and patiently guide you with this stuff?
@mytwistedsoul
There's nobody right now, and at this moment it just feels like everything is falling apart, but I know that I'll pick myself back up and manage 💙
Thank you so much for your reply, I hope you're doing well 💙
@ahhhhelpimalive It shows how strong you are that you keep picking yourself up and managing. It's ok to not be ok - here especially. I know it can be hard to talk to people face to face about these things but here it can alittle easier. Its still hard - because we know who's behind those little pictures we have. Have you found a good listener? There are some adults here that listen to teens too - I think they're probably the better listeners because they have to go through more checks and stuff. Might be worth a shot
You're welcome to talk with me if you'd like - it would have to be here - no pressure though and I understand why it might make you uncomfortable too 💙