my journal: various subjects, opinionating, CW at times

It all hits home, some nights.

The head pain, the vertigo, the ringing in the ears...the fact that it will all impact me for the rest of my life.

The knowledge that by the end of 2016 my life was permanently changed for the worse. The diagnosis in early '17 only confirmed what I figured out maybe a week prior.

For years I was mostly solitary, punctuated by days vending or working & sometimes nights out at someplace fun...it was an interesting time, my 30's. Now I'm home a lot, except for medical appointments. And the few nearby cheap restaurants when I'm too tired & in pain to cook anything but not so messed up that I can't leave my apartment. (When I can afford it, of course. If I'm in too much pain to leave then I stay, cooped up, until the worst is over. It can go on for days)

Surely there are ways to improve my life somehow...there has to be at least one. Chronic illness is permanent but...Christ on a pogo stick, is this it? Is this 💩 all I have to look forward to until the day I croak? Nahhh...that can't be true.

There has to be something I haven't thought of, or discovered yet.

...in the meantime I have to keep going, despite being tired of it all. Tired in my bones.

A vendor once told me "life is a marathon, not a sprint."

The older I get, the more I realize how right she was.

@slowdecline48 what's a vendor??? And yeah! I often wonder the same things, but there must be a reason, there must be something better waiting just around the corner. Have you thought about joining any free local classes in your area?? You might meet a new friend or gf. I don't really know but I hope oneday your life will be good again, and mine will start being good ❤ how about charity work???? Or planning a bank heist???

@Tinywhisper11 Robbing banks isn't what it used to be, dear. Banks usually only keep enough cash on hand for the day, for typical transactions with customers. You can't just walk in, hold up the place & say "gimme $60,000 & no one will get hurt!"...they don't have that kinda money sitting around. Even if a bank does have that much in a vault, the stacks of bills are bound up with dye packs that are rigged to explode if you tamper with the pack or try to get the stack band off the money. Usually the vault is full of safe deposit boxes, & there's never enough time to break into all of them (or even 1/4th of them) before the police arrive in force. Then there are security guards, etc. Today's banks aren't worth the trouble. (Don't ask me how I know all this)

I'm trying to get in some more bike riding now...might meet some decent people that way.

@slowdecline48 🤔🤔🤔 I see you know that's a very suspicious answer, they detailed facts 👀👀 ooooo you could join a biker gang😎

@Tinywhisper11 Those guys ride motorcycles, Lo. My steed has a frame, a transmission & two wheels but no motor. I wouldn't qualify. Plus I would never join an MC* for several other reasons.

*MC = Motorcycle Club. The big ones aren't just gangs; they are more organized than that. They're basically criminal organizations who wear uniforms & all ride Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

@slowdecline48 I have to agree with @Tinywhisper11 those are some good details. You sure you haven't done this before? 👀 So I'm guessing you don't need a wheelman? 😎

😆 Yeah, I don't...but if that was an offer, I will definitely keep you in mind for any future plans. I can certainly split the take with someone who will have my back when the chips are down. 😎

@slowdecline48 Awesome! 😁 I'll have the car ready.  If we get caught you're deaf and I'm blind and neither one of us speaks english 😂

😂 Perfect!...

You: "No hablo Ingles! No hablo Ingles!..." Me: *frantic signing, arm waving, confused animal noises*

@slowdecline48 Omg 😂😂 I almost choked on my coffee when I read this! 🤣 I think it may have been the "frantic signing arm waving" image that got me 🤣 I'd blow our cover because I'd start LMAO 

@Tinywhisper11 I forgot the other thing:

vendor = person who sells products to others. Literally.

In my case, I sold prints made from my finished art. I set up a 10×10 pop-up tent, folding tables, & display units...stacked my prints on 'em & tried to sell to the public. It didn't pay consistently & was hard work, but it was fun for a while. Websearch "pop-up markets" &/or "craft fairs" to get an idea of what I did. This was a few years before I ever thought of moving to Florida.

@slowdecline48 oooo! Markets and craft fairs look really fun. And antique fairs, I really really want to go to a Xmas market. I'd buy everything😁

@Tinywhisper11 how come you don't do that anymore?? It's sounds fun??

@Tinywhisper11 Because I'm not quite up to the physical demands of vending anymore. Also, I don't have the patience to deal with the public that I once had. You can never predict what passersby will do, day-to-day. You can sell a bunch of your stuff, or you can sit there all day, not make a single sale & all you can do is pack it all up & go home. These days the usual reaction--stopping to look at my prints, complimenting me for my artistic ability & then walking away without buying anything...these days, that would just p!ss me off.

The other thing is, I don't have a vehicle. If you want to vend anything then you need a suitable vehicle, usually a truck or van.

The NASDAQ is starting off sluggish this week, as is the S&P 500...

as of about 12 minutes ago

...most likely it's because everyone is waiting on what the grand high poobahs of the Federal Reserve will say this week. Will they cut the interest rate, etc. I don't think there will be any reductions at least until June, from the way the economy's going 

Here's a little free verse...

This is the chronic life.

Your symptoms flare, then

You go sit or lie down,

Depleted, the tank empty.

If you can you sleep

(nothing else to do)

It is easy, so easy

To let the days drift by

While you wait for

the final victory.

Hmmm...

Your thoughts, @WeEarth ?

@slowdecline48

I think the decision depends on various factors such as India's strong economic growth and ongoing concerns about inflation. I think there is a need to balance economic stability and address inflationary pressures. Maybe the RBI is aiming to provide stability and confidence to investors. I think, we should wait till the actual outcome. 

What do you think?

@WeEarth I think I couldn't post a more sober, evenhanded answer than yours! 😄

@slowdecline48

😄😄😄

I dislike the current vogue for pop psychology lingo, as it's a part of the overall trend of coddling that took off in the mid-2010's. So normally I don't use the terms. But in this case...

It's nice to have such validation every so often. It's true that I b***h & moan in this journal a lot, but I also try to get something done every day. Even if it's just one little thing. If I can do more than that, great; if not then oh well.

It's not always possible, of course. If I get a bad flareup or if my Meniére's & another condition act up at the same time, I might not do anything other than drink water, sit & s***, then go back to bed. Luckily not every day is like that.

Also saw something funny:

@slowdecline48 I haven't been able to do anything for days now! Disabilities suck big donkey balls!!!!! Hopefully today will be a good day for us both ❤❤ and yeah cute cartoon😂😂

but I don't like monopoly it's very sexist, only one woman can play at a time... Cause there's only one iron!!!!!!😂😂😂😂😂

@Tinywhisper11 I hear that... Disabilities suck elephant balls, alright. They suck harder than a [CENSORED].

I've had days like yours, more than once. Been stuck in my crackerbox apartment for as long as just over five days running, though usually it's two to four. The only thing to do is get through it, & wait. It's tough but in a situation like that, what other options do we have?

Drink plenty of water, try to get enough sleep, don't think about bad things, & try to be patient. Remember that this, too, will pass. Seriously, it's true. All things do, sooner or later. No state of affairs can last forever; it will change at some point.

@slowdecline48 I don't leave the care home grounds anyways. But I do like to leave my room, but I haven't been able to do that the past few days😥 I really try to go sit outside under the willow tree by my sons cross, and talk to him. It's kinda my way to ask him for forgiveness😞 get a bit upset when I can't go sit with him. But Yes lots of sleep and water ❤

Lo', I know that nothing I say will remove your guilt but I'm gonna tell you this anyway: you did nothing wrong by your son.

Yes, really.

For you to be responsible for his death you need to have had options: to save him, & to decide to let him d!e. From what you've said so far, you had neither option at the time. Captives don't make choices; neither do slaves. They do what their masters want, not what they want.

If you hadn't been a slave, would you have saved Joshua? Of course. H€ll, you would've escaped with him in your arms if you'd been able to. Most new mothers would do the same. But you couldn't do it.

Morality requires two things: the ability to make decisions, & the power to carry them out. If one or both are missing, there is no moral responsibility.

You ought to think about this.

@fearlessWriter78 - If you're interested at all, the above is an example of what I'm like outside of 7Cups. This journal is primarily for b***hing, moaning, & opinionating. It doesn't necessarily reflect what I'm like in every situation outside CupsLand...one reason being that I don't usually share all my thoughts in real life.

Am in the tub as I type this.

I had yet another godd**n medical apptmt yesterday afternoon, & an expensive one--it involved a great big electrical machine. I wanted to ride up there on my faithful steel horse but only got partway there before I realized I'd never make it in time...hailed a ride, put the bike in back, got there & got scanned. Then I threw my leg over the old beater again &, eventually, got back home.

My a.s.s hurts already. The rest of me will too, when I wake up...figure it'll take three days to recover if not more. But for once I don't mind. Suffering is always easier to handle when there's a sensible reason or purpose behind it. And I needed to get out. I needed to ride...to feel the wind, even the rain. (It drizzled here & there) I needed the exercise, & will for as long as I can do it.

...it's still kinda weird that I have better balance on the bike than I do on my own feet.

@slowdecline48 awww I'm glad you got to ride your bike ❤ have you named your bike yet??? Like lulu or something?? it must be pretty cool to ride a bike, speeding along, long head of hair blowing in your face😎

you know if it takes 3 days to get over the ride, then I advice in 3 days you get back on there, go for a ride, stop of eat chicken then ride back. If it makes you feel alive, so it as often as you can ❤

oh a appointment involving a big machine😕 I hope it went ok ❤

@Tinywhisper11 😂 No, I never gave my bicycle a proper name...doesn't mean I don't care about it. Unlike most people in my area, I never park it outside when I'm home & try to keep it maintained, i.e. tires inflated just before a ride, etc. Am probably the only guy you know who cleans & greases the axles...seriously, it's a good trick. Smear Vaseline on the axles & your bike will roll smoothly--it nearly eliminates friction btwn the axle & wheel hub. (Is it possible for you to take the wheels off your wheelchair? You might want to tell the care staff about this!)

Funny you should mention hair, as 1) I don't have nearly enough to wave around, & 2) when I ride I wear a brain bucket.*

This morning I feel like a wrung-out dish rag...am working on my corpse impression. How are you?

*old cyclist slang for "helmet"

Almost forgot - that is excellent advice...recover, then immediately get some chicken. Perfect. 😄

@slowdecline48 ok most men call their cars and bikes after women or alcohol, you got to make your bike🤔🤔🤔 I have a push wheelchair, those ones with big back wheels so I can move myself. Then electric wheelchair when I'm not strong enough. I'm not sure if the wheels come off my normal chair. Wouldn't it be cool, if my wheelchair was tied with a chain to the back of your bike, then you can pull me along, and we can go get chicken together 😁😁

@Tinywhisper11 What an idea. Fried chicken, grilled or BBQ'ed? 😋

@slowdecline48 let's get both at one of those steak houses you were telling me about and some fries, and icecream😋

@Tinywhisper11 You really have food on your mind...aren't they giving you enough to eat in the care home? Or are you just tired of it & want something different, or what?

@slowdecline48 haha! I am getting used to food, slowly ❤

[CW: "ADULT" REFERENCES, MY UNCUT OPINION]

Some people are phuckin' annoying... Right now my a.s.s. is more chapped than a teenage girl's on Epstein's island, back when he was alive & filthy rich.

The guy who tagged me wouldn't want to read my replies to his post, given his spiritual orientation. Trust me...he would not. Especially since I went through 9-11, have perused his basic scripture & others in it quite a few times (in three different translations) & am just a bit more knowledgeable about his religion's track record than the average John Doe.

I must add that in the thread, I stayed polite. Which is more than I would've done a few years ago. Maybe I have better manners now...one could only hope.

@slowdecline48 someone causing you trouble!?!?? Dont worry I'll protect you, I have a banana. A frozen banana😎