in the wonders of my mindš.
hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnāt look like meš§makes sense doesnāt itšsince there can only be one *me*āØone of a kind now arent Iš/sar. one out of 8118835999āØš·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youāre also one of a kindš sorrysorry haha :Pš¤im just messing around xDšalso itās 2am- but shush no snitchingš¤«Iāll sleep in a whilešwhen Iām feeling a bit more sane :>šš©·
wanted to have my own space.š for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.š
to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šplease dont lurk here.š©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šbut please be respectfulš©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :Pš yāall get crazy nosy haha- itās alright.šnothing too interesting will be here anywayšif you would like to come in and be supportive itās completely okiešbut please donāt make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšbecause Iād still like this to be just my space ^-^š)
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ā¦.
i kept waiting in the queue and each time Iād get a bad listener I would wait in the queue again until that
I havenāt talked about the case in a while. but, my birthday past and I thought it was supposed to be closed by then but itās still going like my dad had to go to court so many times but it would keep getting postponed to a different date idk why, he keeps making me memorize what Iām gonna say if they ever try to take me to live with my mom but he keeps putting the scenario like this like people are gonna come to our door and be like (nadia) come with us weāre gonna take you to live with your mom okay?Ā
ā¦
idk itās just thatās not how it works :ā)
and then this is what he tells me to say I actually memorized the exact way he wants me to say it but basically I have to be like no I donāt want to live with her Iāve lived with my dad my whole life he raised me and he was there she wasnāt I donāt even know her etc etcĀ
also my dadās lawyer I guess looked into my momās (idk profile idk no one bothers to explain things properly but I never bother to ask) and found out that she got remarried and gave birth to a daughter
which like. yeah. okay- I donāt really care but I canāt say Iām sure thatās true because my dads the one that told me and my brother but he was telling us because right after he was all like she has a whole family like idk why sheās bothering us and started venting but if itās true Iām happy for her like I used to pray that she was at least okay and found somebody way better than my dad and that she has a whole new happy family and that sheās safe but it could be true it could not be true Iām not sure I kind of hope it is thoĀ
āI made the same wish for years. I wished that Iād see my mom again. but eventually I just wished that she was happy- or that she found someone else and is now a part of a beautiful family. I wished sheād forgotten about us.ā
I heard my dad mocking me, he was talking to my brother and basically he was talking about how he trusts that my brother understands and heās only like telling us both to tell me because he thinks Iām young and stupid and Iām gonna go all shy and be like okay and ruin his life and get him sent to prison or somethingĀ
I was right there. while he was talking to my brother.Ā
another thing my dad told us was that my mom claims we were kidnapped. he said that the case was about to be closed and everything was like fine but she said that reopening the case. which no she didnāt. I know she didnāt say that too. he makes her seem like such a bad person, I think he said that to make it seem like I guess she obviously knows sheās lying and sheās just causing problems for no reason at all, he keeps saying that. heās like we were fine she was fine so I donāt know why sheās coming back years later just starting all this unnecessary drama.Ā
(Iām at 1% and my dad can see what I copy now so Iām just gonna post it from here)
Ā oh my god Iām so tired. does anyone else get home and get extremely tired like yeah you were tired at school but then you get home and you change and the minute you lie down youāre so so unbearably tired.Ā
I didnāt sleep at all last night, I was talking to someone. and crying and stuff. but that doesnāt even matter I feel awful right now
I want to sleep too but then that would start a horrible cycle of, sleeping in the afternoon, not being able to sleep at night, going to school tired (I mean. Iāll always go to school tired but still) and coming home and sleeping in the afternoon
i just need to wait a couple of hours and then I could sleep at a proper time and fix my sleep (i wonāt manage to stay up no matter how hard I try I know it but Iām still trying)
today wasnāt a good day. a couple of random things I wonāt yap too much about but my leggings randomly cut in history and by pe there were like 7 holes in it I have no idea how and why the school leggings have pretty weak material I guess because I donāt normally wear the school leggings I wear my own but I was in a rush and it was perfectly fine this morning but yeah we change for pe and then we have to change back before whatever we have next and I just completely took off my leggings (I wear the schoolās skirt and then leggings under)
and then I guess I was annoyed or maybe it was just like might as well so I also took off my jumper (the schoolās jumper)Ā
so now I looked. different. and weird. to me, and people started being like oh omg I thought there was something different about you and I realized itās that you took off your jumperĀ
and someone Iāve known really well since my first day in the school said theyāve never seen me without my jumper. which. thatās a little dramatic xD Iām pretty sure in the beginning of year 7 I didnāt wear it
now people could see some of my arms and some of my legs, it felt scary but freeing I might just do it again, go a day without them
before this I stopped wearing this thing under my pe shirt for pe itās basically just a black long sleeve shirt to cover my armsĀ
its so much more comfortable tho
I can barely keep my eyes open :ā) but I canāt just be like oh Iāll just go rest my eyes for a little and set an alarm incase I fall asleep (after 5 minutes or smth) but I so know Iām just gonna be dead asleep the minute I try and- rest.Ā
thereāre so many new students. which yeah thatās not new but even now in term1b I still see so many new students and this year more than any other year so many new students are getting popular so so fast like they just walk in and they belong and fit in and vibe with everyone right awayĀ
this years a lot more chaotic too. but Iām pretty sure thatās just our class
but even in other sets especially my math set my math set is just wildĀ
and this is the first year I get a math teacher thatās so nice like this teacher is so so nice I feel badĀ
she has to deal with us.Ā
we had assembly today, talked about our options and gcses and stuff
im so done
Iām so gonna be found working at some low skilled jobĀ
also tomorrow is off. just tomorrow and idk why, something a day for year 7s 8s and year 11s so we canāt have lessons
weāre gonna have online school except no ones showing up
i got another standards card today. by my arabic teacher, crazy right? like I seriously though she loved me. she makes it so clear that she cares so much about me and it absolutely breaks her heart having to give me a signature for no reasonĀ
but everything happens for a reason right. she signed my standards card cause I was 5 minutes late, the reason I was late? I was helping a disabled kid find their class. did I tell her that? yeah. did she care? no because apparently I need to start being more selfish because why am I letting some random make me 5 minutes late to her lesson thatās them not me like Iām wasting my learning time but donāt worry she totally didnāt even take the register yet, oh and that gang of people that walked in 40 minutes late on purpose donāt worry about them theyāre good theyāre fine Ā
(I fell asleep. idk how or when. I just woke up.)
I slept last night! 17 whole minutes!!
I actually want to sleep everythingās bad enough but i canāt handle being sleep deprived like I used toĀ
anywho someone wrote an appreciation thing for me. I havenāt been tagged there in so long I genuinely started crying it was 1am when I saw it and I was crying (Iām still really moody like every emotion I feel is still always at 100% now and it could switch so randomly) Ā
um. that made me really happyĀ :') cause yk Iāve just been kind of feeling really lonely lately ;-; irl or not Iām just sad like idkĀ
it was so cute tho I loved it so much like the photos with the message it was so perfect and the writing the writing was reallyā¦gentle? and the hooman delivering the message theyāre so sweet and kind too tho I kind of havenāt replied to smth they sent me in mayā¦
ew why am I so bad at being a proper friend like what
but yeah and the emojis but the whole thing was just reallyā¦gentle and like sweetš©·
and then there was a poemšand a link with it and photos and one of the photos is like kind of linked to a memory it was just so sweet like Iām seriously not all that. ;-; but aww it made me happy
i havent replied ;-; you wanna guess why? :D I fell asleep :> crazy.Ā
I started yapping too much here
im trying to think of some good things that happened this week.Ā
it was the first week back from midterm break so first week of term1bĀ
ummmmā¦.ā¦
ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦.
;-;
well.
okay idk if this counts but now I love giving anyone compliments about anything thatās compliment worthyĀ
cause why not and it always makes them really happy or like I never get a bad reaction ykĀ
Iāve given so many people compliments this week like even teachers I just love being nice it makes me so happy and I love making other people sfsiehsjdbydsbjwmsnĀ
sorry xD ahahahshgehdbdg it actually makes me happyĀ
yeah that does countĀ
yayyy :> #positivemindset
(sorry this is just me being sleep deprived)Ā
okay itās confirmed my mom did get remarried and she does have a daughter and my dads lawyer is working on getting herā¦um idk what itās called. basically more info on it and stuffĀ
(Iām back from being zoned out for 15 minutes :D)
oh right! thereās this really sweet new girl in my year and sheās in my arabic class and basically Iāve been worried I look rude to her because I get so annoyed in arabic or bored idk and I just look *** off so basically I think on monday I was like your names (her name) right? and I went on trying to explain it to her and she was smiling at me the whole time i was rambling š but long story short weāre friends now :3Ā
I was zoned out again- for so long too-
im so tired :ā) I just randomly ran out of energy my hands are numb too
okay bye <3 xDĀ
Iāve been forced to go out a lotĀ
and today I got woken up and had to rush to go out againĀ
we were gonna have breakfast with some of our likeā¦.further.? family idk
i was like pretending to be fine and then an hour and a while later everyoneās already eaten and talked a lot and we werenāt doing anything they just wouldnāt stop talking and I got so tired not of them but just tired like I just wanted to go home and I asked my dad like can we go home and he didnāt even answer he just ignored meĀ
itās never that bad I just get tired like being around a bunch of people and like having to just. be there. yk-
i already have school
and omg school is horribleĀ
why am I having to wake up at 9pm to go socialize right away I just wanna sleep Ā
ā¦ā¦ā¦
lately Iāve been like
really really reallyyyyy avoiding thinking
and like just being myself with my thoughtsĀ
and letting myself overthink or get sad
i donāt think anymore I justĀ
Iāve kind of gotten better at the automatic reactions and responses like now I need to replay the convo after itās over so I can actually know what I said and what happened because my mind if I actually spoke from me and idk itād be differentĀ
andd Iāve always been good at it but now Iām so good at the um. mirroring thing idk what to call it I canāt talk when Iām sleepyĀ
like Iād say/do things not even theyād say/do or Iād never say but it matches their vibe like I donāt need to observe all that much and ik who I can pretend to be that would get along with them the bestĀ
I need to go distract myself bye
I was gonna go watch smth to distract myself but then I was like my dads not here lemme just start straightening my hair because
i washed my hair on fridayĀ
i wash my hair every week (itās better for my hair type)
and then by monday itās straightened for schoolĀ
my natural hair is really hard to manage but itās healthy yeah itās straightened most of the time but considering everything my hairs been through itās pretty healthy ;-;Ā
and I havenāt even started straightening it yet itās been in a loose ponytail for like a while nowĀ
so then I didĀ
andĀ
im so tired.Ā
the oxygen was like poisonous
I had to open the ac open the door open the ac outside too and take a minute to run out and breathe every while
idk why it was so bad this time
itās just the heat protectantĀ
when the product leaves your hair or smth idkĀ
but yeah Iām not done I just put the straightener away and the ac still on Iām just taking an extended break because my dads probably gonna wake up soon but then he might go out then Iāll continueĀ
