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in the wonders of my mindšŸ’—.

iloveyouxx March 17th

hey there :D hm. last time I checked you didnā€™t look like mešŸ§makes sense doesnā€™t itšŸ˜›since there can only be one *me*āœØone of a kind now arent IšŸ˜/sar. one out of 8118835999āœØšŸŒ·can you imagine :0 o right- you can- becoss youā€™re also one of a kindšŸ’– sorrysorry haha :PšŸ¤im just messing around xDšŸ’žalso itā€™s 2am- but shush no snitchingšŸ¤«Iā€™ll sleep in a whilešŸ˜when Iā€™m feeling a bit more sane :>šŸ˜›šŸ©·

wanted to have my own space.šŸ’œ for thoughts feelings vents or just anything on my mind.šŸ’™

to whoever'sĀ coming acrossĀ :'3šŸ’œplease dont lurk here.šŸ©· I know anyone can have access to this forumĀ :')šŸ’™but please be respectfulšŸ©·.(but honestly..I know someone will either way :PšŸ’› yā€™all get crazy nosy haha- itā€™s alright.šŸ’›nothing too interesting will be here anywayšŸ’›if you would like to come in and be supportive itā€™s completely okiešŸ’›but please donā€™t make it a regular or "normal" thing if that makes sense. just have a sort of limitšŸ’›because Iā€™d still like this to be just my space ^-^šŸ’›)

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iloveyouxx OP October 18th

good morning <3 today feels weird

iloveyouxx OP October 19th

You have reached the maximum number of new chat requests allowed for the day.

ā€¦.

i kept waiting in the queue and each time Iā€™d get a bad listener I would wait in the queue again until that

iloveyouxx OP October 27th

I havenā€™t talked about the case in a while. but, my birthday past and I thought it was supposed to be closed by then but itā€™s still going like my dad had to go to court so many times but it would keep getting postponed to a different date idk why, he keeps making me memorize what Iā€™m gonna say if they ever try to take me to live with my mom but he keeps putting the scenario like this like people are gonna come to our door and be like (nadia) come with us weā€™re gonna take you to live with your mom okay?Ā 

ā€¦

idk itā€™s just thatā€™s not how it works :ā€™)

and then this is what he tells me to say I actually memorized the exact way he wants me to say it but basically I have to be like no I donā€™t want to live with her Iā€™ve lived with my dad my whole life he raised me and he was there she wasnā€™t I donā€™t even know her etc etcĀ 

also my dadā€™s lawyer I guess looked into my momā€™s (idk profile idk no one bothers to explain things properly but I never bother to ask) and found out that she got remarried and gave birth to a daughter

which like. yeah. okay- I donā€™t really care but I canā€™t say Iā€™m sure thatā€™s true because my dads the one that told me and my brother but he was telling us because right after he was all like she has a whole family like idk why sheā€™s bothering us and started venting but if itā€™s true Iā€™m happy for her like I used to pray that she was at least okay and found somebody way better than my dad and that she has a whole new happy family and that sheā€™s safe but it could be true it could not be true Iā€™m not sure I kind of hope it is thoĀ 

ā€œI made the same wish for years. I wished that Iā€™d see my mom again. but eventually I just wished that she was happy- or that she found someone else and is now a part of a beautiful family. I wished sheā€™d forgotten about us.ā€

I heard my dad mocking me, he was talking to my brother and basically he was talking about how he trusts that my brother understands and heā€™s only like telling us both to tell me because he thinks Iā€™m young and stupid and Iā€™m gonna go all shy and be like okay and ruin his life and get him sent to prison or somethingĀ 

I was right there. while he was talking to my brother.Ā 

another thing my dad told us was that my mom claims we were kidnapped. he said that the case was about to be closed and everything was like fine but she said that reopening the case. which no she didnā€™t. I know she didnā€™t say that too. he makes her seem like such a bad person, I think he said that to make it seem like I guess she obviously knows sheā€™s lying and sheā€™s just causing problems for no reason at all, he keeps saying that. heā€™s like we were fine she was fine so I donā€™t know why sheā€™s coming back years later just starting all this unnecessary drama.Ā 

(Iā€™m at 1% and my dad can see what I copy now so Iā€™m just gonna post it from here)

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP October 28th

more updates but I donā€™t feel like talking about it right now

goodmorning <3 first day of term1b :ā€™) woohoo.Ā 

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iloveyouxx OP October 28th

Ā oh my god Iā€™m so tired. does anyone else get home and get extremely tired like yeah you were tired at school but then you get home and you change and the minute you lie down youā€™re so so unbearably tired.Ā 

I didnā€™t sleep at all last night, I was talking to someone. and crying and stuff. but that doesnā€™t even matter I feel awful right now

I want to sleep too but then that would start a horrible cycle of, sleeping in the afternoon, not being able to sleep at night, going to school tired (I mean. Iā€™ll always go to school tired but still) and coming home and sleeping in the afternoon

i just need to wait a couple of hours and then I could sleep at a proper time and fix my sleep (i wonā€™t manage to stay up no matter how hard I try I know it but Iā€™m still trying)

today wasnā€™t a good day. a couple of random things I wonā€™t yap too much about but my leggings randomly cut in history and by pe there were like 7 holes in it I have no idea how and why the school leggings have pretty weak material I guess because I donā€™t normally wear the school leggings I wear my own but I was in a rush and it was perfectly fine this morning but yeah we change for pe and then we have to change back before whatever we have next and I just completely took off my leggings (I wear the schoolā€™s skirt and then leggings under)

and then I guess I was annoyed or maybe it was just like might as well so I also took off my jumper (the schoolā€™s jumper)Ā 

so now I looked. different. and weird. to me, and people started being like oh omg I thought there was something different about you and I realized itā€™s that you took off your jumperĀ 

and someone Iā€™ve known really well since my first day in the school said theyā€™ve never seen me without my jumper. which. thatā€™s a little dramatic xD Iā€™m pretty sure in the beginning of year 7 I didnā€™t wear it

now people could see some of my arms and some of my legs, it felt scary but freeing I might just do it again, go a day without them

before this I stopped wearing this thing under my pe shirt for pe itā€™s basically just a black long sleeve shirt to cover my armsĀ 

its so much more comfortable tho

I can barely keep my eyes open :ā€™) but I canā€™t just be like oh Iā€™ll just go rest my eyes for a little and set an alarm incase I fall asleep (after 5 minutes or smth) but I so know Iā€™m just gonna be dead asleep the minute I try and- rest.Ā 

thereā€™re so many new students. which yeah thatā€™s not new but even now in term1b I still see so many new students and this year more than any other year so many new students are getting popular so so fast like they just walk in and they belong and fit in and vibe with everyone right awayĀ 

this years a lot more chaotic too. but Iā€™m pretty sure thatā€™s just our class

but even in other sets especially my math set my math set is just wildĀ 

and this is the first year I get a math teacher thatā€™s so nice like this teacher is so so nice I feel badĀ 

she has to deal with us.Ā 

we had assembly today, talked about our options and gcses and stuff

im so done

Iā€™m so gonna be found working at some low skilled jobĀ 

also tomorrow is off. just tomorrow and idk why, something a day for year 7s 8s and year 11s so we canā€™t have lessons

weā€™re gonna have online school except no ones showing up

i got another standards card today. by my arabic teacher, crazy right? like I seriously though she loved me. she makes it so clear that she cares so much about me and it absolutely breaks her heart having to give me a signature for no reasonĀ 

but everything happens for a reason right. she signed my standards card cause I was 5 minutes late, the reason I was late? I was helping a disabled kid find their class. did I tell her that? yeah. did she care? no because apparently I need to start being more selfish because why am I letting some random make me 5 minutes late to her lesson thatā€™s them not me like Iā€™m wasting my learning time but donā€™t worry she totally didnā€™t even take the register yet, oh and that gang of people that walked in 40 minutes late on purpose donā€™t worry about them theyā€™re good theyā€™re fine Ā 

(I fell asleep. idk how or when. I just woke up.)


iloveyouxx OP Friday

I slept last night! 17 whole minutes!!

I actually want to sleep everythingā€™s bad enough but i canā€™t handle being sleep deprived like I used toĀ 

anywho someone wrote an appreciation thing for me. I havenā€™t been tagged there in so long I genuinely started crying it was 1am when I saw it and I was crying (Iā€™m still really moody like every emotion I feel is still always at 100% now and it could switch so randomly) Ā 

um. that made me really happyĀ :') cause yk Iā€™ve just been kind of feeling really lonely lately ;-; irl or not Iā€™m just sad like idkĀ 

it was so cute tho I loved it so much like the photos with the message it was so perfect and the writing the writing was reallyā€¦gentle? and the hooman delivering the message theyā€™re so sweet and kind too tho I kind of havenā€™t replied to smth they sent me in mayā€¦

ew why am I so bad at being a proper friend like what

but yeah and the emojis but the whole thing was just reallyā€¦gentle and like sweetšŸ©·

and then there was a poemšŸ˜­and a link with it and photos and one of the photos is like kind of linked to a memory it was just so sweet like Iā€™m seriously not all that. ;-; but aww it made me happy

i havent replied ;-; you wanna guess why? :D I fell asleep :> crazy.Ā 

I started yapping too much here

im trying to think of some good things that happened this week.Ā 

it was the first week back from midterm break so first week of term1bĀ 

ummmmā€¦.ā€¦

ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦.

;-;

well.

okay idk if this counts but now I love giving anyone compliments about anything thatā€™s compliment worthyĀ 

cause why not and it always makes them really happy or like I never get a bad reaction ykĀ 

Iā€™ve given so many people compliments this week like even teachers I just love being nice it makes me so happy and I love making other people sfsiehsjdbydsbjwmsnĀ 

sorry xD ahahahshgehdbdg it actually makes me happyĀ 

yeah that does countĀ 

yayyy :> #positivemindset

(sorry this is just me being sleep deprived)Ā 

okay itā€™s confirmed my mom did get remarried and she does have a daughter and my dads lawyer is working on getting herā€¦um idk what itā€™s called. basically more info on it and stuffĀ 

(Iā€™m back from being zoned out for 15 minutes :D)

oh right! thereā€™s this really sweet new girl in my year and sheā€™s in my arabic class and basically Iā€™ve been worried I look rude to her because I get so annoyed in arabic or bored idk and I just look *** off so basically I think on monday I was like your names (her name) right? and I went on trying to explain it to her and she was smiling at me the whole time i was rambling šŸ˜­ but long story short weā€™re friends now :3Ā 

I was zoned out again- for so long too-

im so tired :ā€™) I just randomly ran out of energy my hands are numb too

okay bye <3 xDĀ 

iloveyouxx OP 2 days ago

ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦

iloveyouxx OP 2 days ago

ā€¦.

idk


iloveyouxx OP 2 days ago

Iā€™ve been forced to go out a lotĀ 

and today I got woken up and had to rush to go out againĀ 

we were gonna have breakfast with some of our likeā€¦.further.? family idk

i was like pretending to be fine and then an hour and a while later everyoneā€™s already eaten and talked a lot and we werenā€™t doing anything they just wouldnā€™t stop talking and I got so tired not of them but just tired like I just wanted to go home and I asked my dad like can we go home and he didnā€™t even answer he just ignored meĀ 

iloveyouxx OP 2 days ago

itā€™s never that bad I just get tired like being around a bunch of people and like having to just. be there. yk-

i already have school

and omg school is horribleĀ 

why am I having to wake up at 9pm to go socialize right away I just wanna sleep Ā 

iloveyouxx OP 2 days ago

ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦

lately Iā€™ve been like

really really reallyyyyy avoiding thinking

and like just being myself with my thoughtsĀ 

and letting myself overthink or get sad

i donā€™t think anymore I justĀ 

Iā€™ve kind of gotten better at the automatic reactions and responses like now I need to replay the convo after itā€™s over so I can actually know what I said and what happened because my mind if I actually spoke from me and idk itā€™d be differentĀ 

andd Iā€™ve always been good at it but now Iā€™m so good at the um. mirroring thing idk what to call it I canā€™t talk when Iā€™m sleepyĀ 

like Iā€™d say/do things not even theyā€™d say/do or Iā€™d never say but it matches their vibe like I donā€™t need to observe all that much and ik who I can pretend to be that would get along with them the bestĀ 

I need to go distract myself bye

1 reply
iloveyouxx OP 2 days ago

I was gonna go watch smth to distract myself but then I was like my dads not here lemme just start straightening my hair because

i washed my hair on fridayĀ 

i wash my hair every week (itā€™s better for my hair type)

and then by monday itā€™s straightened for schoolĀ 

my natural hair is really hard to manage but itā€™s healthy yeah itā€™s straightened most of the time but considering everything my hairs been through itā€™s pretty healthy ;-;Ā 

and I havenā€™t even started straightening it yet itā€™s been in a loose ponytail for like a while nowĀ 

so then I didĀ 

andĀ 

im so tired.Ā 

the oxygen was like poisonous

I had to open the ac open the door open the ac outside too and take a minute to run out and breathe every while

idk why it was so bad this time

itā€™s just the heat protectantĀ 

when the product leaves your hair or smth idkĀ 

but yeah Iā€™m not done I just put the straightener away and the ac still on Iā€™m just taking an extended break because my dads probably gonna wake up soon but then he might go out then Iā€™ll continueĀ 

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