in the little mind of mine (diary + poems)
i saw people making these and i thought i would give it a try, since every time i try to talk with a listener it just doesn't seem to work out. i guess the fault is mine, i don't know, i have felt like i didn't really get much out of them, the conversations felt bland. maybe i haven't found a listener suitable for me.
it's currently saturday night, and as much as this day has been relaxing and calm like i have badly needed, it has also been equally draining and lonely. finally got to spend the first day at my new apartment that i got with my sister which feels great, but i just felt so outside today since her boyfriend is here as well. when i'm around them i always feel like i'm on the way, i'm a thirdwheel, unwanted in there. so i have pretty much spend the time alone in my bedroom while those two have been in the other one. and well, they haven't invited me in there to watch anything and went out by themselves so i guess i wasn't really wanted.
Hey there ! I don't know if replies are welcome in this little diary of yours. Though reading your intro post I couldn't help but stop by. I'm sorry to hear that you haven't managed to connect to a listener that suits you, it can be hard to find someone with whom we feel comfortable. I do hope you find someone soon <3 In the meantime, the forums are great for sharing your thoughts :)
Moving into a new appartment sounds nice, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling excluded by your sister and her boyfriend. That must play into feeling lonely, I can relate to that. Hopefully you'll get to spend some more time with her when he's not around. Loneliness is a tricky emotion to work around, especially if you've taken a gap year. I do wish that going back to school goes well for you.
As for your poetry, I think it's great that you manage to express your emotions through it. I love this first entry of yours. I hope to read some more soon. In the meantime, I wish you all the best, take care <3
@Slizzy564
comments are of course very welcome! i'm going to keep trying and hopefully i'll find a suitable listener, the forums are very nice though! and i have enjoyed the group chats as well 
i do hope to spend more time with my sister, although i have a feeling her boyfriend is going to be spending a lot of time in here so we'll see. starting school is exciting though and i hope i'll make some friends !
and thank you a lot! it means a lot to me that someone read my poetry and liked it. i hope i'll see you here again, thank you for your comment and take care as well! 
09/08/20
today was better than yesterday! i haven't felt that lonely today, but well, there's still some hours left of the day for that feeling to come. i took a walk and then went to eat dinner with my sister and her boyfriend to his home and it was really nice, i was anxious about going there since i don't know his family but they were really friendly, and of course, the food was good! it made my day good. i had to come back home for the next week since we have a puppy at home and my parents have work and someone needs to look after her. i was planning on going for a jog but a thunder came so i just watched some shows and movies instead.
i'll end this post with a poem i wrote a year back, called:
the world looks beautiful in the late-night hours
this is the calmness of a summer night
a sleepless, bright, nightless night
when the sun sets only to soon rise again
planned to sleep early
but stayed awake regardless
coming up with meaningless rhymes
and hoping for someone to talk to about poems, songs and times
times like this when you look at the world at an hour
when the time doesn't seem to move
and you see small, beautiful things
that make you realize that life is worth continueing through
@sinclair
Hey there :)
I'm happy to hear that today is better ! I know the dread of feeling lonely late in the night, hopefully it won't come tonight <3 I'm glad the dinner went well even though we were worried to start off with. Good luck looking after the puppy :)
And the poem ! As someone who often sits outside at night time watching the stars, I really appreciated your poem. And yes time seems to stop all of a sudden and all the small things become more important. True magic there if you ask me !
@Slizzy564 i hope so too, i'm planning on going to bed soon since i'm a bit tired and that way i can at least avoid the feeling 
and thank you! oh i love watching the stars too, i haven't been able to see them in a while because it's so bright in summer, so i'm really looking forward to stargazing again! there is truly something magical about starry nights
@sinclair
It is not your fault, most listeners are "robotised", inoculated with brain washing procedures so it feels you are talking to Noni or a robot. Others are just abusive and a very few select ones are true listeners who interact and care truly and they are extremely rare and do exist. It is certainly not your fault.
@ivorySummer6877 that's very true, many listener just feel like robots to me and like they don't care about what i'm saying which makes everything really frustrating. maybe at some point i'll find some that actually seem to care 
@sinclair
Because they are "stuck" on inoculating them that they are "listeners" and should not interact other than nodding, that is why I am no longer a listener and never will be...
I prefer my freedom...
11/08/20
i didn't feel like writing anything yesterday, it wasn't exactly bad day but i just wanted be alone. i didn't feel like talking to anyone and everytime i did i just responded really shortly, wanted to leave the situation and be by myself. i did go on a walk though with my mom and dogs and did yoga afterwards, i'm planning on doing the same today.
today has been an okay day, nothing out of the ordinary. i was planning on cleaning and arranging my closet and putting some clothes into boxes to take to my new apartment but i was tired and didn't feel like it, maybe tomorrow.
i'm sleepless
at midnight
when today changes to yesterday
and tomorrow becomes today
the rain fell perfectly at 00:00
beating against the roof and windows
as if it was calling for me
inviting me to come outside
to walk and play
to feel the cold rain against my skin
and the grass coated with rain drops under my feet
as the rain whispers its tales to me
rain at daylight
makes me unease
but a rainfall at night
keeps me wide awake
as if i was afraid of the rain at night
when it was quiet
and it could tell me things that i don't want to hear and remember
tonight
i don't turn my back to the windows
but intead
listen to the drums of the beating rain
let it become my second heartbeat
watch the rain fall
and fall together with it
Hello again, after a while! As expected i have forgotten to post in here, but i'll write a bit about what i've been up to!
So, just two days ago i had my first day of college! I'm a starting student in design. I was really anxious beforehand but it helped a little to walk to the school the day before my first day to at least have some kind of an idea about where am i supposed to go. On the first day i was really nervous having known nobody and being in a totally strange environment, but now i do already have some kind of a sense of what is where!
Yesterday we didn't have an official school day but a voluntary city tour + picnic! I decided to go there in hopes of making new friends because i was afraid that if i didn't go there i would be outside of all the circles. At first i did feel really outside but a little before the picnic when we were buying food i started talking to others more and got comfortable! On the last bits of the city tour i started talking to this one girl and spend the most of the picnic with her, but i also talked with other classmates who seemed really nice! For the first time in my life i don't feel outside and feel like i belong to that place and that there are people like me which makes me really happy. I actually even openly talked about mental health things with a few people on the picnic and it felt really good to be so open about something i have never been open about and not be judged, but to be so understood. I'm really glad i went there! 
If i had to say something negative; i have had a lot of trouble sleeping. Even last night when i was really tired after a day out it took me really long to fall asleep, and my sleep feels really light because i keep waking up constantly. This happened in my previous studies too which can probably be connected to mental health + my daily schedule changing. But if my sleeping troubles are not going away then i'll definitely have to reach out somewhere. I still haven't seeked out for mental health support but i'm working on it. Talking to my new friend about that stuff really made me less anxious about reaching for help.
@sinclair
Hey there again ! It's nice to hear about what you've been up to, you've been busy ! :)
Oh first days at college tend to be stressful ! Though you seemed to have tackled it pretty well ;) What sort of things are you going to be designing ? Going around to get to know the place can be reassuring and at least you won't be as lost !
Oh wow a city tour ? Sounds cool ! I wish my college did that x) It's a good way for people to know each other ! Congrats on taking that first step and talking to some of the people there ! Also it's really nice to hear that you didn't feel left out, that you belonged with these people. I understand why that would make you happy :) I'm glad to hear that you opened up about mental health, that's a great way to start the year :)
I'm sorry to hear about your sleeping, I do hope it gets better ! Maybe when college really sets in, it'll calm down a bit ?
As for reaching out for help, everything in it's own time thought I'm glad to hear that you're less anxious about doing it ! In the meantime (and even after), we're here for you <3
@Slizzy564 Hi! I was surprised that i managed through the start quite well, even though it is still stressful but i mean, when wouldn't school be hah. And we'll be designing pretty much whatever comes into mind! The main paths are for example fashion design, jewellery design, industrial design and architecture.
The city tour was nice, especially for those who aren't familiar with the places! And definitely for getting together and having fun. And thank you! It's definitely a great feeling to be able to do something better than you expected.
I'm really hoping for my sleep that's the case, i did sleep a little better last night but if i'll have troubles for weeks and weeks i'm going to consider perhaps some kind of medication. But it can also be that when i get used enough to everything my sleep will fix itself.
And you're right! I believe everything will happen in it's own time, and when i'm ready for it. Thank you a lot, i'm glad to hear that
Good Monday to all! Well, it hasn't exactly been that good for me, but i do hope yours has been.
The first week of college did really wear me out, so i spend the two nights i got on the weekend and slept as much as i could. It was nice to not do anything for a few days but sadly weekends go by fast. But i mean, school is not that bad, i like my new friends a lot but it's just that my sleeping problems are making me really exhausted.
Last night i went to bed at 10pm as per usual but i ended up turning around in my bed for at least 2 and half hours, after that i didn't bother looking at the clock anymore. Even after i fell asleep i kept waking up and turning in my bed until my alarm, so most definitely i didn't feel rested. I was so exhausted the whole day.
There exactly wasn't anything that made me anxious today which is good. There was one thing one of our teachers said today that honestly made me upset and angry today; we were discussing the health services at our school and the teacher then said something about mental health support not being that important, that people could just go for a walk into the woods and have their problem fixed. Didn't bother starting to argue her on that because i was tired and that wasn't exactly the topic of the lesson but it just made me so angry how a teacher could belittle the importance of good mental health, and how most definitely for some people it isn't as easy as go for a walk and boom! all problems fixed. I did discuss this with friends at lunch, because the whole thing just made me in some way feel so bad about wanting to get help. I don't feel that way anymore but it made me just wonder how come a teacher can be so ignorant on such an important subject. On a positive note, i'm really glad i have some new friends who i can easily discuss for example anxiety with because that hasn't been the case before. Obviously it isn't nice that they also feel that way but it's nice to feel at ease and know they understand what i'm talking about.
I have an easier schedule this week thankfully, i have my Friday off which i'm really looking forward to! But, if i'll have trouble sleeping even tonigh when my beyond exhausted then i'll just go straight to pharmacy after school and maybe contact some staff at school on my problems. I have yet again an early alarm tomorrow since school starts at 8am, so i'll soon go to shower, eat a little and make my way to bed. Hope everyone is doing alright!
@sinclair
Hey there ! I'm so sorry to hear about your sleeping problems ! Must really exhaust you when you're not getting enough hours ... I hope you find a solution soon ! In the meantime catching up on the weekends sounds great :) Though I do agree with you, they always go by too fast ;)
I'm sorry to hear about what your teacher said. Seems like it was a meaningful topic for you and they just turned into something quite ordinary ... I understand that you felt upset about it, though in times like these I like to remember that teachers are only humans too. They're allowed mistakes too .. Obviously this one isn't very educated on health care and it sucks ! I do think that you were right in not arguing about it and I'm happy to hear that you could talk things out with your friends ! Very healthy way to go about the situation :)
Yay for the easier schedule and the friday off ! Make the most of it :)
@Slizzy564 Hi! Yeah, it definitely has been exhausting, i did buy some melatonin pills today and i hope they're at least a little bit help.
Indeed, i do try to understand the other side as well but in this case the way she said all of that was so belittling and as if she definitely doesn't take mental health problems seriously. If we ever end up talking about that topic then yes, i will gladly try to educate her on it but otherwise i don't bother because it's not worth my energy hah.
I'm really looking forward to having three days off! Though i'll have to spend some of the time doing school work but at least i get to sleep much and yup, i'll most defintely make the most of it!
I usually write here before going to sleep but it's morning now and i have some time before i'll start doing my school work, and i would like to get some things out of my mind.
Well, yesterday. What a day. I had only one class in the afternoon so i got to sleep as much i wanted, but as expected, i didn't sleep that much. I spent a few hours falling asleep and constantly woke up at night, then woke up around 9 because my sister and her boyfriend were making noise. That one class i had was pretty much a complete disaster. It was held by this one teacher that in our previous classes already threw some inappropiate comments, for example about mental health, and her thoughtlessness kept going yesterday as well. I'm not going to tell much about it but she made some really rude and hurtful comments aimed at this one student to the point that they actually started crying and left the class. After that the teacher didn't really give a proper apology, but instead tried to make herself the victim of the situation. It was really infuriating how an adult, especially a teacher, could act in such a way. Many reported her after the class so i'm hoping there is some kind of a change coming.
About my sleeping; i did some talking last night with my mom and she too thought that it would be good to contact someone at the school to get my sleeping fixed. I will contact our student advisor probably this weekend because not getting enough sleep and that paired with feeling lots of anxiety is definitely making my normal life so hard. I hope i can talk to her face to face soon.
But what is making me anxious? Money, my health, being enough, getting my school work done and the results actually being good enough, am i a good friend and a family member, especially now when i'm not at my best... There's so many things going through my mind and i'm so on the edge often that i feel like my mind is exploding.
I will try to get these drawing exercises done though. They're for Monday, but i want to get them done today because that would leave the weekend for me to rest and do something nice. Oh, and i have a day off today! I have plenty of time to get my work done, and i'm trying to keep a positive attitude now, that my work will be enough. At least in our previous classes i did understand the subject and did the exercises correctly, so i should have nothing to worry about.
I did get my drawing exercises done! In between of drawing i spent time outside with our dogs since i came home yesterday, went for a short walk and just took a nice shower and ate pizza so i'm feeling pretty good right now I do feel quite tired though, i'll probably watch something little and then go to bed since it's soon 10pm and i want to somewhat maintain consistent sleeping schedule (in hopes of it making my sleep better).
Yet another Monday behind. It was a tiring day, mostly because it was eight hours of quite boring classes. I did sleep a tiny bit better, i didn't struggle so much with falling asleep but the quality of my sleep was definitely not good. I kept waking up all the time and the night seemed to pass by slowly, and then i ended up waking up before my alarm in anxiety because i thought i had overslept and school would start in 20 mins. That anxiety kind of stuck with me for quite a while.
I did some of my drawing exercises yesterday that need to be turned in but since we discussed them in class i realized my idea was so boring and general so i'm just going to redo the whole thing. I didn't have energy to do it today so i'll perhaps try to get it done tomorrow or on Wednesday. I do luckily have a bit easier week now since i'll go to 10am tomorrow, to 12pm on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday is yet again off.
I'll try to draw out some of my own character ideas and eat a bit and hope i'll get tired enough soon to get some hoped good sleep.