in the little mind of mine (diary + poems)

I'm starting to feel a little anxious about meeting my student councelor tomorrow. I don't exactly know where the place i'm supposed to go is, and also i'm nervous to talk about the issues since i haven't really done that before. I do hope she's a person who is easy to talk to, the last time i met her was on the first day so i definitely don't remember anything about her. I'm just really hoping that the talk will leave me with some solutions to my sleeping problem because i'm quite exhausted.

Our tutors arranged a board game night today but i was too exhausted to, i decided to just stay at my apartment and watch stuff, also just came back from an hour long walk/jog. I do wish i had had the energy and courage to go there.

I'll be heading back home tomorrow since i have Friday off, at least before i have slept better at home, probably because i don't associate the place with stress so much? I'm glad i get to pet our dogs again and of course hopefully sleep better.

My time with the student coucelor yesterday was late by 30 minutes and that 30 minutes was filled with anxiety, i kept on reading the message from her over and over again in case i was in the wrong place or got the time wrong. But luckily she was just quite busy.

The councelor was super friendly and calming, she told me that she immediately answered my message and wanted to see me as soon as possible since i had had sleeping problems for quite a while. It made me happy to feel that she really cared about getting me help. She contacted our school curator about my situation and redirected me to her, hopefully she will answer soon so i can get a time to see her early next week. I'm glad i went to her and it feels nice to finally hopefully get a solution.

I have a very much needed day off today! Came home yesterday and got to sleep as long as i wanted this morning I'm planning on drawing since i haven't drawn my own things in a while.

All in all, this week has felt slow, both really nice and also quite bad. I had a few bad moments but i got to end the week nicely, i had fun in school the other day since we photographed a bit in groups.

A new friend invited me to and others to her houswarming party, i'm really trying hard to win my anxiety and actually go there because it will most likely be really nice. I'm trying hard to actually be more social and make connections since that's what i want but sometimes anxiety just wins over and makes me stay at home alone instead.

I'm really glad i went to the housewarming, it was the most fun i have had in a while, my cheeks hurted from laughing so much. There was only a few there but i preferred it that way, we ate, drank wine and talked about whatever came into mind. The others left a bit earlier but i stayed for a bit longer, the two of us played some nostalgic old board games and got to know each other a bit more which was great. I enjoyed the night so much.

And yesterday also made me realize that starting in a new school pretty much went as i wished it would; i would make friends, new meaningful connections with people who are somewhat similar. I don't even remember when was the last time before that i hanged out with a couple of friends because it has been so long.

I've been laughing and smiling a lot lately, and i haven't felt lonely in such a long time. I realized that today, as well as the fact that i'm probably the closest to being happy and content with my life, which way i haven't felt in years. I went to movies with a friend yesterday, it was my second time ever going to movies with someone else than my sister. As much i enjoyed the movie, i more enjoyed the fact that i actually got to out with a friend. It's the small things i enjoy in my school days, having silly conversations that may not make any sense, maybe some deeper and more serious ones, my friend pushing me around the classroom in a rolling chair during a break. Having these small moments in my days makes my life so much more meaningful and fulfilling than it has been in years.

Of course, these things don't erase the bad things. I still feel anxious, i still feel depressed, but it's not so hard now with these good things making my days lighter, with them taking some weight of off my shoulders and giving me some stability, something to hold on to when it gets hard.

Lately i've been paying attention to things many don't probably pay attention to often, i've been spending my time trying to see more, feel more. When i go for walks and jogs i pay more attention how every breath feels in my lungs, how my feet touch the ground. How leaves look on the ground or on the water, small things like little mushrooms, drops of water on plants.

My favourite feeling is also attached to my favourite place, the bridge near my apartment. I love bicycling there; first there is a hill down and my speed increases, i can feel the wind hitting my face, going through my hair. That speed carries me all the way to the bridge where i slow down, i love it especially during twilight when the street lights light up the water and the ground nearby. It is so peaceful there at that time too, yesterday i was there alone and it was simply beatiful, smell the air after rain, see the lights from the city, enjoy the calm wind. It's such a simple and normal place to some but to me it's incredibly beautiful. I could spend hours there, just looking around and breathing.

ghost of the first floor

i'm the ghost roaming hallways, ever so silently

leaving behind a trail of breeze

and a feeling that you might have seen something in the corner of your eye

if you hear a small chuckle

it might have just been me,

sitting at the dining table

and listening to you have a laugh at the show you are watching

i do not mean to bother, really

that is why i try to keep quiet

i just like to watch you live

and if you ever need

you know where to find me

A close friend of mine confessed that she has a crush on me. I guess it sounds like a nice thing to be confessed to but to me it feel the exact opposite, well, probably because i have to reject her. I just don't know how.

She asked me if i wanted to try dating, through a note. I actually saw this coming if i'm being honest, the way she acted started to feel like it wasn't exactly just in a friend way. I got that feeling probably a couple of weeks ago, from then i've been going from 'i have a feeling that she might like me' to 'how could she possibly like me' constantly with the fear of her actually confessing to me. As we were hugging a goodbye the other day i felt her slip something into my pocket and immediately feared that this might be it, and it was.

Then why am i feeling like this? It's because i'm afraid that whatever i'll say to her will change things. That i might hurt her by saying no, but i don't have any other option because saying yes would be cruel since i don't see her that way, i see her as a friend and i'm quite sure that is not going to change.The idea of having to have that conversation soon is just bringing me a lot of anxiety, i don't want to hurt her. I also keep wondering have i been accidentally leading her into the wrong directions, what if i've been giving false signals.

I've been sleeping a bit better though, out of that topic. I've been listening to sleep meditation videos while trying to sleep and have found them helpfull.

At the moment, honestly, i just feel really depressed. I wish i could take a break, just sleep for a while and do nothing. I don't have energy for anything.

I've had a good and productive day! Got up before 9 and went to see my student advisor, i've been going to talk to her now three times every few weeks. I really like going to talk to her, she is such a nice person. This morning she brought me a cup of coffee as well so we would sip our coffees and talk about how it has been lately. It definitely feels great to talk about things i don't usually talk about, and she understands them in a way that makes me feel that i'm not weird or dumb for feeling this way.

After that i've been working on my schoolwork that i still have got to do. I've got this one bigger work for history class, i worked on it for several hours today and got it maybe 2/3 done, so not much to go! I feel really good about myself for being so productive, i've had a little hard time finding energy and motivation for school work. On top of that i cleaned around my apartment this morning + made dinner ready ealier so it would be ready to eat since i knew i would be working the rest of the day on my school stuff. It's nearly 9pm so i'm putting a stop on school stuff now.

It's been quite a while again. I've been having some ups and downs, but nothing much really had been going on. I've had school as normal which has been keeping me quite busy and tired, but it also has been nice since i like the classes i have right now. I've visited my friend a few times and watched movies. Yesterday i played with some friends which was super fun, i hope i'll get to play with them again soon.

I did relapse though. I harmed myself, it's been a few weeks from that now. I wasn't feeling good, honestly i don't even remember what led into it. I haven't been in the best place mentally, it might be a bit linked into my sleeping problems? Maybe?

I've been trying to contact my school nurse as i was told to get help for my sleeping but they never answer the phone. I've been calling for weeks but for nothing. My christmas break is starting this week so i won't even bother to try now since i definitely won't get help before the break starts, i'll have to try again next year. It's just really frustrating when i'm trying to, for once, get help but it's basically been made impossible.

Also, i have a crush and i absolutely hate it because it makes me feel like an annoying teenager lmao. But the person is super fun and cute but as always i never stand any chances with my crushes so i won't be to hopeful about it ;;

Been quite a while again.

I got some well needed rest over the holidays which was great, went to school again last week yet i already feel exhausted. The person i used to talk to, the student advisor, can't be contacted for some reason now so i feel a little lost since the only person i felt comfortable talking to can't be reached. There also came some changes into the healthcare of the students as the year changed which is making me even more confused and lost. My sleeping problems are holding on tight to me, i did find a number i could call but i heard that it's pretty busy since there are so many trying to contact the healthcare that it will probably take at least till the end of the month for me to get any response back.

But i think last night made me understand that i just really need some help, i'm so exhausted, tired to the bone that i just want something that would make me feel better. I was awake past 2am last night despite being exhausted, i couldn't sleep, became so frustrated over my situation, all the loneliness and tiredness, and had some kind of a mental breakdown. I just wanted for everything to be quiet for a while, i'm constantly having thoughts running through my head and sleep is the only time i'm not overthinking and anxious, so it makes me so frustrated and depressed that i can't even have that little escape. I've been tired today, i got up after 12pm since i have a day off, but i have a 8 hour day tomorrow which is not making me very excited. I'm going to go to bed soon but once again i don't feel tired or like i would be able to fall asleep, so i'm fearing for yet another sleepless night.

a beam of sunlight

a dance of a beautiful silence in the air

a warm touch

you

you look beautiful with the sun touching your skin

there is just silence between us

laying down on the ground

and i lay down

night after night

to feel that

because he felt like spring

he felt like freedom

he felt like love

and all the other thing i can not have