in the little mind of mine (diary + poems)

Once again last night i spent quite a few hours trying to fall asleep. It's becoming quite clear to me that most of the things i try are just not helping me with my sleeping troubles, so i probably should contact someone for help.

I was a little tired today but otherwise i enjoyed the day. I went for a nice walk, or actually two walks. During my walk i realizes it was really pretty outside so when i came back i just took my camera and went out to take some photos. It was really calming and I'll definitely try to do that tomorrow as well.

Another great thing, my only class for tomorrow got cancelled! So that means i'll have a day off. I'll go out with a friend though to get this one assignment done but at least I'll get to sleep and have a nice slow and calm morning instead of the normal 'rushing to the school' one.

I haven't drawn much since school started but this week i've been trying to get back to that. I've gotten some nice character design ideas and i actually saw one really nice dream a few nights back that inspired me with it's characters, plot and environment. I hope i can get some of that onto paper! The time i have tomorrow will definitely be partly spent on my own projects and ideas since i'm back to a creative mood.

I spent my day off yesterday doing, well, absolutely nothing. I was too tired so i just played some games and watched netflix. But it was exactly what i needed, just one day without doing any school work. There was a storm so my plans of going out with my friend got cancelled so we're going tomorrow since we have the day off.

Despite there still being quite a strong wind outside i did enjoy the weather a lot for some reason. I went for a walk because i just had to get some fresh air and since i wasn't raining anymore it seemed like a good idea. I ran some of the time and it was really enjoyable, i stopped a few times, once on this bridge that i have grown to love a lot during my stay in the new place. I just really love the view from there, no matter what the weather is. It seems that it's especially pretty when it's dark, i loved how i could see all the lights in the city from the cars and buildings and their reflections on the water, paired with the strong fresh wind. I've been stressed about some school works but the walk calmed me a lot since i was able to let out some steam.

It hasn't been the best start for a week. Yesterday i was so exhausted because i slept terribly, it felt like i was in a totally different universe, on top of that i got quite a bad headache which definitely wasn't welcome since i have things to get done.

Last night i did get surprisingly good sleep, but my day really didn't start off ideally as i nearly passed out in my first class. Luckily i did go to sit before it got too bad but it left me feeling quite nauseous with a headache. I'm glad i do have such kind classmates as one of them came to ask me if i was alright, if i was feeling dizzy and another went to buy me some juice so i could get some sugars.

Despite the bad start for a day i did somewhat enjoy the rest. I quickly went to shop for art stuff with a friend before heading to my apartment, i got one assignment done and for another one the i've been struggling with i finally came up with an idea what to do so now i only need to get it done, which shouldn't take too long. It definitely took off a great load from my shoulders so i don't feel so anxious right now. There's new assignments coming to us all the time which can get a bit overwhelming, it makes me feel more at ease knowing i don't have that much to do now.

I've been trying my best to maintain a nice daily routine of going for a walk/jog and it's been really great! I enjoy going for walks by myself so much, and especially here where many jogging routes go by the water area with really pretty views. I usually love to really try and push myself to the very last bit and then go enjoy the evening views for a while as a cooldown before heading back. There is just some kind of magic in the time of the sunset. Of course sunsets themselves are beautiful but i enjoy the athmosphere itself as well. How you can see it getting darker quite quickly yet it's still such comforting darkness. The street lights light up just after the sunset painting everything around them orange, and orange happens to be my favourite colour.

after dawn

my world is full in its emptiness

a silence filled with thoughts

four walls and a window

in a room painted with haze

is it okay to be hopefull

even if everything around me is withering?

I'm tired, exhausted. Didn't even have more than one three hour class today. Slept badly yet again after having a few really good nights which just makes me feel frustrated. Weekend is most definitely welcome, i just want a few days when i don't have to do anything, marathon some good movies maybe. I've felt quite anxious today for no particular reason, or maybe there is a reason but i'm too tired to dig too deep into myself to determine that, it always seems to make me even more anxious.

i listened to music while drawing yesterday and played a song i haven't listened to in a while, one of my favourite songs actually. it reminded me of you since you were the one who recommended it to me, that is the reason why i have not played it much after we stopped talking. i have been doing well with pushing you into the very back of my mind, but that song made me miss you more than i probably should, it's been so long since we even aknowledged the existence of each other i wonder do i ever pass your mind like you do mine. i felt tempted to message you, tell you i listened to the song and felt the same exact way like i did when i first heard it. i wanted to tell you i miss talking to you, if you would like to catch up, but it feels silly; you probably don't even remember me, do you? i was just someone, someone you didn't need in your life anymore since you stopped answering to my messages. once in a while i go check if you have seen them but every time i get disappointed as i see the same old messaged, not seen by the eyes they were meant to. and every single time you still manage to make me angry, let down, sad, yearning. i still seem to keep up hope that some day you will answer me but rationally thinking it is an impossibility even. i would just want to know if it was something i said or did that made you distant, if i could fix it. i don't know in what way, but i loved you dearly, that i can admit to myself. i still write poems about you when i'm melancholic, i wonder if the poems you made were ever about me. i always hoped so. the ghost of you still haunts me, it is like a shadow, something i can't get rid of. but i wonder do i even want to? no; i don't want to forget you, you are too much of a beautiful memory. so i'll keep writing poems about you once in a while, listen to the songs you recommended me, reread our old conversations, especially the one were you said you thought of me while watching a sunset; it makes me feel warm inside. i hold on to these little things, reminisce, and keep a little hope in me; maybe there will be a time when we talk again.

One of the photos my mom brought to me was a picture of my godmother when she was young. It's one of my favourite photos actually, favourite photo of all possible photos ever taken in the world. She's sitting on a bench at some kind of a park, not sure where, leaning her head into her hand. Maybe one reason is that i also love her dearly, she's a person who has always been a big part of my life and many of my favourite childhood memories include her. I went to her house with my sister every single summer, it was one of my favourite things to do. We would play, go swim in the lake, she would cook really good food for us. We often went fishing, firstly pick some worms. We threw the fish back into the lake after catching one, sometimes she would keep a few for the cat i think. It was always so thrilling to catch a fish. At some point we grew up, stopped going there so often. I wish we didn't, i often hope i could be a child again, swimming with my sister and godmother on a warm summer day.

It hasn't been a good day. Barely slept a few hours and had a full 8 hour day at school, i seem to not even remember anything about because i was going on sort of a autopilot due to exhaustion.

I did pick up my courage today though, last nights bad sleep was a last straw to me so i finally messaged my student councelor about my sleeping problems and we'll be having a talk about it on thursday which i'm really looking forward to. I hope i'll be able to be honest about my struggles with anxiety because i feel that anxiety is probably the biggest reason for my sleeping problems.

I did have a talk about it with my mom today too. I've been feeling really depressed today too and it really helped me to hear someone caring for me, but it really made me want to go home. My mom is the only person i ever hug and i could really use one of her warm, loving hugs right now.

Well, i ended up oversleeping this morning. I woke up around an hour later than i'm supposed to but still managed to get to school in time! Good thing is i at least managed to sleep a bit. I don't even remember turning off my alarms at all, i must have done that in some kind of a sleep state. I'm glad i at least woke up early enough to get ready so i didn't miss my class.

Decided to have some me-time since i was alone for a while today and just watched a movie and ate good snacks, went for a quick walk afterwards. I have to go to school an hour later tomorrow than normally so that luckily gives me one hour more sleep time!

It can be depressing to realize that the world doesn't stop if you do, if you're gone. It keeps going on and on as if nothing happened, people go to work, the traffic stays the same, the sun still rises and sets.

But it can be quite comforting sometimes; to know that I can stop, and the world will still spin. I can just take a moment to myself, not think, just be, just breathe, and then join in again to the constant flow of life when I feel ready to do so.