in the little mind of mine (diary + poems)

I feel like there is always something holding me back, telling me i can't or am not supposed to do something. It makes me feel like i'm trapped all the time and have no freedom at all because i have to watch out for every step i make, not to bother others or do something wrong. I want to go for a walk but i somehow feel like i'm not allowed to.

I'm looking forward to summer. I have quite a long summer vacation and during that i want to feel free. I want to learn to let go of that feeling that i'm not allowed to do certain things, may it be walking freely without a thought around my own apartment or going for a walk, or buying myself something nice. The reason i'm looking forward to summer is the warm weather because i want to go out to paint and draw, maybe get myself a cup of coffee somewhere and have a little picnic by myself.

her only experience in love

was the love with the ghost

conjured up by that certain a lonesome mind

the ghost would sleep beside

and keep her company

on the abandoned bed across

and she thought

when you have gone your entire life loving ghosts

it makes you fear

are you capable of loving a living person

why is it that i don't belong anywhere?

everywhere i go i'm just as invisible as i was in the last place, every single person i meet forgets me as quick as the others before did. the two places i live in and call my homes don't even feel like homes, they're not places i feel completely comfortable and safe in. there is nothing special and worth remembering about me, and no matter how hard i try to leave my mark and be remembered for something, those marks i make just disappear without anyone seeing anything. maybe, this place in time was not meant for me.

a while has gone since i wrote in here. i've been mainly just trying to relax and enjoy my summer vacation, which is fortunately quite long. i had a little language course that i took as a summer course to make my next school year a bit earsier, i got it done surprisingly guickly, i really wanted to just get over with it as soon as possible so i could concentrate on resting.

summer has made me realize that my sleeping problems are completely tied to me being anxious and stressed. i've been sleeping like a baby (well, when it isn't too hot), so if i once again have trouble sleeping when school starts then i know i'm having stress or anxiety. honestly i'm not looking forward to school again, partly for that reason, but it just makes me think more and more about the fact that i probably should find someone to actually talk to if i wanted to survive the year since school is quite hard already, let alone when you're barely sleeping

aside from feeling empty and lonely at moments i guess i could say i'm good, i was feeling a bit lonely which is why i came here. there were some things i wanted to do over summer, or more like feelings i wanted to experience but i don't know, resting has been nice but if i get bored and have too much time to think i realize my days are all just the same and i don't know do i really enjoy that. it's just feels like i'm always missing something

i had a really nice day yesterday. i went over to a friend's house, their family is so kind. i ate plenty, listened to one of them playing the piano and sing and talked and laughed a lot. it was so warm and refreshing, i hadn't laughed that much in a while. lately i've been feeling a bit more depressed than usual but yesterday made me forget all about it. i wish i could have stayed there for longer making jokes and listening to the music

i had my first day back at school today, it was overwhelming and i was anxious, but i think i got through it well. there was a point when i couldn't find my classroom and had to sit down after 10 minutes of trying to find it because i was getting so anxious about and didn't have the courage to ask anyone. luckily a classmate i know happened to come to the same place just as confused and we found the classroom together. i know it sounds like such a small reason to be anxious for. i actually had quite fun being with others again, it was refreshing to see others and be a bit more social, also i'm looking forward to my studies.

the unexpected happened today as my mom messaged me today that our oldest dog had passed away. i just got back to my apartment around the time she went home from work and found her there. she had a surgery a few days ago to remove a tumor and was healing well, i wasn't expecting those news. honestly i'm devastated, i love our dogs so dearly since they are family members to me. i haven't been that well mentally recently, this didn't make it any easier

new year has began and so far has been quite okay for my mental health. well, at least in the anxiety part - i still often struggle to sleep on school nights but i luckily have at least one day off besides the weekend per week so i get to catch up on sleep.

i guess it's just the loneliness and occasional extremely depressing phases that just don't get easier. and what i hate the most is my ming making me do the exact opposite of what i would need - people, to keep me company, but instead i just constantly get further away from those few people i have.

i don't want anyone to come and tell me how to cope with loneliness, that i already know - find some activities that you like and try to enjoy your time alone. that i already do, i have a lot of hobbies that i enjoy, like making jewelry and macrame stuff.

you can have as many hobbies and activities as you like, but they only help for a little while. things to do on your own are not a solution to loneliness, at least for me, they're just tools to get away from the actual problem for a while but you can run away from it only so long. as soon as you stop it catches up. stop for a little while and it eats you alive. that's what it feels like. and i'm growing so tired of trying to cope with it, i just crave actual deep and close relationships, or just one, that's all i'm asking for. someone you feel so comfortable and close to because i'm growing tired of imagining what it feels like.

it's been hard lately, to say the least. a relative of mine died a bit ago and i'm still trying to be somewhat okay with that, i really haven't let myself actually grief for some reason.

i have had a lot to do, i'm nearing the end of another semester so i've been loaded with the last bits of work that i've been trying to avoid. lately i've been feeling so numb about school, i've been questioning my studying path and i always feel like i don't have enough for what it takes. i feel like i'm always lacking.

every day feels just a bit harder than the last one. i avoid what i'm actually feeling so much that honestly i don't know how to unload all of that. i carry stuff, my own and others, and never talk about it and it just weights so much

Months have gone by and i guess not much has changed. At the moment, i feel really depressed. Really melancholic, and really lonely. Two weeks of my summer vacation has passed and those two weeks i have spent being unable to relax and seeing similar dreams many times a week; having to do something, having forgotten to do something, just not being allowed to rest. I turned in the rest of my works already two weeks ago and i very well know i have done everything, but i still find myself checking nearly every day that what if i forgot to do something. I can't put my mind to ease and it's eating me alive. I would have all the time in the world to sleep now but i feel like i can't catch even one good night's sleep.