ive been on 7cups for exactly 530 days

_this childhood feels like forever_

ugh so much  school work to do and deal with this *** guy. *** this.

The amount of school work is going to kill me

broken by john kagen

@amiableBunny4016 Very sad song 😞

is anyone here? i just need someone's presence whilst i cry.

@amiableBunny4016 *sits with Bunny and offers safe hugs* 💙 

@amiableBunny4016 @mytwistedsoul

*sits with you both if okay*

@LoveMyMoonflowers @mytwistedsoul

........ i hate that i've cried tears most of my life. i hate this. i can't. no matter how much i keep going and convincing myself.... it hurts more. it hurts. it *** hurts. i cant.

@amiableBunny4016

*hugs you tight if okay*

I'm freaking done. I'm freaking done with fighting and arguing and protecting myself. I'm tired. I give up. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers *hugs Moon* Of course it's ok 💙

@mytwistedsoul

:') 

💜

....... 

Are you kidding me 

I'm having no meeting with an safeguarding leader

Just no. 

@amiableBunny4016 I'm not sure exactly what one of those does. Keeps you safe yeah? Is there a reason why you don't want to? No pressure to answer of course

@mytwistedsoul

There is one at school...they just are in charge of safeguarding children and preventing abuse and ***. 

And they want to meet me. 

Idk why. 

@amiableBunny4016 But - thought you wanted the school to get involved. It seems like a good thing considering everything that you've been going through

I'm sorry if I'm wrong in my thinking

@mytwistedsoul

Idk. It's kinda scary. :') it freaks me out. Like it's good..  but it's terrifying 

@amiableBunny4016 I think it's understandable to be afraid. At least now someone is paying attention ya know? This is help. And you're so brave. I know it doesn't feel like it right now. This makes her be accountable and won't just help you but your brother too 💙

@mytwistedsoul

well.. im meeting her monday afternoon just after i finish my exam..... so.... i have till monday to contemplate my life lol. 💙 oof. 

@amiableBunny4016 That's good! I'd like to speak from the heart now ok? It might sound a little harsh. You can think about it or totally disregard all of it ok? 

I'm sure you're probably very nervous and scared to meet her and I really understand that - I honestly do. BUT - this is your chance. You're chance to change things. Maybe you struggle alittle with loyalty. Loyalty to your family so what happens at home sometimes feels like it should stay at home. The thing to remember is that she doesn't share the same sentiment. She isn't loyal to you or your brother. She brings strange men into your home and you've already been abused by them. Eventually your brother might forced to do things too. The things that you've been through were not your choice and definitely NOT your fault.  It's not going to get better without some outside help. This could help her get counseling for her grief and it will hold her accountable for her abuse. It will also help your brother and you're an excellent big sister who cares about her brother. You try very hard to keep him safe 

If you're dishonest with this safe guarding person - it's over. You lose this chance and it will be almost impossible to get them to take you seriously ever again

I know it's a lot. You've got a lot of responsibility put on your shoulders right now. But you are strong and brave. I believe in you Bunny. I believe you are strong and brave enough to do what's needed to make a better future for you and your brother 💙 

@mytwistedsoul

soul, can i tell you something? your harshness is so kind and so so sweet 💙 your harshness, is comfort to the mind lol. your right. xD its like you know me too well. i am loyal to everyone who constantly breaks me. Its like no matter how much i convince myself its not right, i feel a sense of empathy or softness for her T-T but oh well..... we will have to see what future bunny will do. she with either destroy her life, or finally let her life become normal  💙  thank you soul. for everything. 💙

@amiableBunny4016 💙 I was you once upon a time or close to it. Nobody spoke to me privately. They called her and we were in the room together. I could have spoken up. I had physical proof but I couldn't speak up. You know what my loyalty brought me? More abuse. The last time she laid hands on me - ended with a hospital stay. Realized that if it happened again there would be no surviving

@mytwistedsoul

ugh. thats terrible 💙 it makes me feel sick that someone so innocent brought up in to the world could go through that. we expect nothing of anyone when we are children, we don't know what to expect of the world, but the world just expects so much from us. and if we don't follow it, or if they aren't happy, they will beat us for it, they will rip us apart, and carve us into this.....human💙

i hope so too. i hope childhood wont end, the way i imagined it too. 💙 

Bunny 

@amiableBunny4016 All we ever wanted was to be loved. To be treated as a human 💙 cuddled and cooed over as babies. Gently taught as toddlers. Guided as teenagers. Not made to feel as an inconvenience or unworthy of basic things or less than 😞

@mytwistedsoul

you know what hurts the most? 💙 when you don't ask for love, or for food, or for anything anymore. you don't ask for attention or for ..... idk. it just.... aches. that you can't be a child anymore. your just.. an existing species on your own.... almost alone in a empty world..... its kinda heartbreaking. but then again.... why feel pity for ourselves? why should i feel sadness for myself and my suffering and whatever ***? because my mind will only convince me that i deserved whatever *** that happend. my mind will only convince me....and then blur the lines between truth and lies 💙 but anyways..... i guess.... it is the way it is. 

i hope things are going okay for you too soul 💙 *sends hugs and comfort beams if okay*

thank you.

@amiableBunny4016 You're right. I used to try my best to just stay out of sight. Invisible. It felt safer. Any attention was never a good thing

first love - bunny

she said you would stay,

I stayed  beside her, 

with her, for her,  with love and tears and joy,

and everything else that was left of me and my body,

that broke to a million pieces before me as i put pieces together.

that body of mine,

that screamed stories of pain and sorrows, as i let it burn in disaster and despair.

that body of mine,

a constant boat of memories of the bittersweet language of childhood, 

depression and anxiety, carved into it with scars and bruises, hollowed me out,

into this wreck of a being.

that body of mine, 

worn out and shattered, carrying the weights of yesterday, carrying the burdens of a future yet to be found or seen.

waiting for my mother to carry this body, with her.

to love this body, and cherish this body...

but i guess the idea of mother is just idealistic, 

perhaps it was a misunderstanding, or a misconception,

waiting for her to hold this body in her arms once again,

like every other mother once did. 

love is a delusion, we will never be able to forget, or never see or feel again. 

and she carried that delusion with her,

the delusion that I would let her drag me down with her, 

the delusion that i was an object and she was my owner,

the delusion that if she hurt me, or killed me, or beat me,  i would keep my head held low,

the delusion of the promises she used to make, 

the delusion of love. 

the body that carried everything on their shoulders,

left the hearts of misunderstood, broken people,

people of her own. 

the body left in a world unknown. 

not her own world.

Just the world she survived and lived in. 

left in the hands of her own species,

but broken and torn apart. 

Bunny.... 

idk what that injection was.. but whatever he injected into me. was probably some *** drug.

@amiableBunny4016

i-… 

what :') he injected something…? 😞 That man is beyond crazy and cruel. and ***. :') 

I’m so sorry bunny :( i-… idk what to say. 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

idk man. he offered me drugs first and idk how much i even took, i was .... i cant remember. 

@amiableBunny4016

*offers a hug for you* :') 💜

i feel like i'm drunk. but i'm not.

i always yearned for an older sister or brother or just someone bigger and older than me, that i could lean on and rely on . :')

@amiableBunny4016

sitting with bun if okie 🥺 

@LoveMyMoonflowers

*hugs ni if okay* ✨

@amiableBunny4016

*hugs back* 💜

intrusive thoughts getting the best of me.....

dear self,

just survive one more day bunny. one more day. one more day. and then you can tell all you want, survive one more day bunny. one more day. its not that much. one more night of pain and terror and then your out of here. one more day.