@amiableBunny4016,
Hey there. I know that we haven't had a conversation here and that we don't know each other. But I hope you will find it in your heart to take what I am about to say to heart if it's okay.
I and many others who cares for you , feels shattered to know you are in pain. That you are being hurt. But it isn't about any of us. I really admire you for sharing this part of your life here with us. And I mean it soo much. Takes a lot of strength to simply let others know that you aren't doing well.
I get an impression that there are a lot of things thats happening in your life that isn't "normal" or acceptable , and it might have taken you years to realize that fact......because initially as kids we all believe that Mommy and Daddy are just being parents...and this is what learning how to behave looks and feels like. Everyone gets hit, kicked, thrown across the room, slammed into the wall, sworn at, and pushed down the steps, right? Abuse isn’t ever deserved or allowed as a learning opportunity. And I am so so so sorry it is like that for you . None of us can behave better because of abuse. It makes us to live in fear , hope to make parents happy so that they show their love instead of despise .
As a child , teenager and even adult, it's very easy to assume that your parents treat you a certain way based on who you are and how you behave, and consequently that if they're treating you poorly it must be because you're a bad person ? you must be a dumb? Ugly? Arrogant ? It makes sense ! You must be that bad of a daughter then. They give you food, water, a place to live and the love you " actually deserve". What more can you ask for? Spoiled brat ! You are really spoiled if you think that you deserve any better.
But yet when you start asking others if THOSE things happen to them, they look at you like you’re from another world. Their parents send them to their room, yell at them or ground them from their favourite things. They get grounded or lost privileges but had never endured beatings, verbal insults or broken limbs.
As you get older, you begin to understand that maybe it wasn’t you. maybe it was them. maybe there was a chance that you behaved as every other child did. That's a hurtful relief. It's soothing to think that you aren't as awful as you thought. It hurts to realize how much unfair life is. Above everything , now you are left to figure out why you deserve this life.Why couldn’t your parents follow normal parenting ?? How do you love yourself when you realize that your parents didn’t love you or at least couldn’t control themselves to show it. How do you convince yourself that you didn't deserve to be treated like a burden ? That you are not a burden Th t your parents are not always right about what they tell you . How do you believe when someone says "you are someone who deserves to be loved, empathized with, listened to, and taken seriously " , that You do not deserve to be insulted, mocked, or neglected in any way.
Sometimes, there are days , weeks , when you believe every bad comment about you was right. That you are a burden, waste of space , dumb , ugly , ungreatful , spoiled ,.... Every hurtful comment thrown your ways seems true. You regret the day you were given to the world by god , because , world would have been a better place without you , right? Damn straight!! Everyone would have been happy if it wasn't for your petty existence.
Some other days , one can nail it . It becomes manageable to ignore how mean people is to you on daily basis. To remind yourself that no one is all good or all bad. Just because your parents do some nice things for you does not invalidate your negative emotions. Doesn't mean everything they do or say is right. You can appreciate the nice things your parents have done for you without erasing your emotions or any of the negatives. And say that's it's what it is , but I will love my self. Because I deserve it ....and a lot more , now that I think of it 🤔 of it. Because I am worthy and enough . But for now I will suffice with self love 😁 . And eventually I will heal. Be happy.
Throughout this bittersweet process, it's tempting to wish that you could travel back in time and reassure your younger self that her emotions were valid and that she was right about so many things she didn't even fully comprehend.
You are enduring what no child should, but you are, in fact, enduring it. That's makes you stronger than any one of us , than any of those who hurt you. It's a strength I wish you could have acquired some other way. But I adore you for it. .
Noone gets the right to ever blame you nor make you feel as if you are responsible for the way your life has turned out. But yet , sometimes people are mean. People tell you that being angry is synonymous to being a bad person. And yet they are allowed to be volatile and verbally abusive. What they don’t realize is that they are the cause of the pain that you will suffer for the rest of your life. Such incidents and every small reminder of their hurtful behavior makes us question ourselves...Why wasn’t I loveable enough? Why wasn’t I pretty enough? Why wasn’t I interesting enough? Why wasn’t I ENOUGH? You again come to the conclusion it was your fault. They taught you well that they are never to blame. You will go back to hating yourself. You will go back to being afraid. You will go back to feeling desperately unloved.
But please, I know it's hard , but if possible I want you to remind yourself" But I am a child. You are the adults. It could never be my fault. I know, I know. I am not the perfect child. But no children are and aren't there " worse" ones on the " standard scale" ? I was abandoned when I needed you ,I was rejected when I cried. , It was you who did wrong "
I will pray that your life may be a lesson for your future years. That you learn only good things from your present. That you can tell your self " I am worth it.I can still be OK in this world. Better than OK. I am healing, and I’m going to be unstoppable. What you did won't affect the way I feel about myself.
Focus on who you are as a person and what positive things you did. Remember how much stronger you are from what you live through .You figured out how to still push through d while feeling the fear of what would happen when you go home.
Think about what gives you the motivation to reflect on what you’ve learned . Realize that you are in control of yourself and you have a chance at a wonderful life.Take this opportunity to learn more about your own goals and what you want for yourself as a person who has overcome abuse. Reach out to others, professionals or research on your own how to create your own happiness. You do “deserve” that!
One day you will be able to stand up proudly and say that you have come out as a survivor, in spite of your scars. Or maybe because of it. A day when you can thank your parents, your haters , tell them
"Thank you, mom and dad, for teaching me the importance of adults apologising to children. Thank you for teaching me that parents do not deserve to be respected no matter what. Thank you for teaching me that parents are responsible for their own actions, regardless of how difficult their circumstances are.Because if I ever hurt my children, I won’t be too proud to admit I am wrongI won’t be too proud to admit my children have been more mature than me and have a point.More than anything, when they think of safety and open conversations, they will think of their mom.. Thank you for teaching me how it’s NOT done "
Till then, I want you to know that you are as precious as you would on that day. I want you to know that you are not F ed up. Just dealing with F ed up situations. You ARE NOT F up. I want you to know that you are not a burden. That no one with two well functioning Brain cells , who knows you , your life , your struggles, would ever hate you . And everybody who has seen your heart of gold wouldn't call you a burden even if thier brain stops working. It's okay if you can't make us smile. It's okay if you cry . It's okay if you want to rant. We will be here for you , from every shade of you , the cheerful you , the numb you , the angry you , the depressed you , the done you , the sarcastic you , the sassy you , the vulnerable you , the proud you. Every shade. Not because we are all saints, but because you deserve it. And God will give you this one thing.
