Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
Idiotic stupid person I am.. why must I be so stupid!?!
@calmLake1999 I don't think you're stupid Calm. Sometimes we may do things that seem stupid but it doesn't mean that we are.
*sitting with you*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for sitting with me.. in this case I think I've been very stupid
@calmLake1999 You're welcome - would you like to talk about it? I probably won't have any good answers but sometimes it helps to get it out
I give you my word I won't judge and there's absolutely no pressure to share anything you don't want to
Things don't ever truly get better. Life is a repetitive cycle and I'm the stupid one who put myself there. Sleeping or attempting to sleep on the lounge but it is not comfortable and I am sore with a throbbing headache. My bed would be comfier but at least it's cooler in the lounge with the AC on. I'm feeling numb and disconnected but strangely connected due to soreness. I'm good at pushing it down mostly except of the headache, might be turning into migraine, I'm sensitive to this light on my phone sand feel nauseous but meh I'll be ok. I'm lonely even though I'm not truly alone right now. It's an odd but familiar feeling. I really should attempt this sleep thing, will the pain away I need to
Hey Calm, I truly understand the migrane issue. They are painful. You are not alone with how you feel. I have to get through a rough time today and truth is I'm scared cause I put myself in this position but I thught long and hard about it and managed to find somethig that makes me feel like I can do it. It's a little thing but right now tht's all I have to hang on to. I;ll send some good thoughts your way. Take care.
I feel sickly and numb, the pain is intermittent, like sometimes Im so numb I just switch off completely. I'm not sure where the day even went. I've accepted that this is where I am now, no point fighting. Considering fighting gets me back here.
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm sorry I didn't say anything to you sooner - but if you remember that visualization thing I told you about before with the tire pump and balloons - that works for pain as well - thats how I started with it myself.
Just wanted to let you know that -
You're in my thoughts
I'm losing myself, this simply can not be happening again. Why do I get myself in this mess
@calmLake1999
I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?
Not safe to attempt to sleep or rest... My body is so tired and sore
@calmLake1999 Mine too Calm - may I sit with you?
@mytwistedsoul
Your more than welcome to sit with me
@calmLake1999 Thank you - it's hard to rest when things hurt isn't it? Hard to find a comfortable spot when everything is all but screaming for attention. But I don't know how to make it stop
@mytwistedsoul
It is, I don't have the answers either. I can't find anyway to make it ease and it's not safe to rest anyway
@calmLake1999 You're right - there are alot of times when sleep doesn't feel safe. The nightmares - can be so bad sometimes. I try to remind myself that we're not in the same place - The doors are locked and I am alone. It doesn't allways work though. If it helps - imagine Jess and I are there with you. I know she cares for you alot and won't mind at all.
@mytwistedsoul
I'm bad cause I let the unsafe back in and made this happen to myself
@calmLake1999 Sometimes we make mistakes - I don't think it makes you a bad person. I do understand the feeling and thinking though. How about imagining your spot in the pictures you've shared here?
Or perhaps - picture this place and let it be a safe place for you
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, I like that picture, it looks very safe
@calmLake1999 It's very peaceful - the sound of the water. There are usually deer there browsing for leaves and berries to eat. And so many birds! In the little pools you can see tiny little fish and some times little crayfish looking for food in the mud.
I'm sorry if I'm talking too much - you can at anytime - tell me to hush - I won't be offended or upset. I'm sorry I'm not very good with words today
I hate the guilt being thrown my way, it's always my fault :( I'm sorry I can't be better
Friday and Saturday nights are the worst, even though I work I still have to be ready and expect him over. And the alcohol involved makes it worse. I am not prepared for this again
Another weekend over. The alcohol has stopped. 2 nights of madness and he wants his space now. That is a plus for me, start again fresh tomorrow and see what the day will bring. I'm numb and quiet and contemplative. A headache that is lingering and tiredness that can't be fixed
Goodnight and goodbye. This world is too dark and has too much pain, I recede into my mind. This is too much to bear
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you*