Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
@nonethewiser
Hi Wize, just checking in.. are you ok? I'm here for you, sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️
It's kinda scary how normal it has become to wake up in a smoke filled haze, constantly on alert wondering if these fires will hit my suburb, wondering how many people have been impacted. Scary to drive to work at 2 in the afternoon for it to look more like 6 in the evening, with the grey Smoky haze hanging over the air, blanketing the town's making it impossible to see 30 metres ahead..
Just need to breathe, they are just memories, it's ok, you can get through them.
I'm finding it really hard to ground right now, I've done the multitude of distractions and now I'm too tired to move and my mind is whirling with memories. Just need to breathe and remind myself I'm safe. But I don't feel safe, not in this bed, not in this room. The fairy lights are on but they aren't helping. I feel unsafe, bed is NOT a safe place to be. Maybe I can sleep on the lounge. But that feels more vulnerable. Argh I dunno. I need to breathe. Been very busy busy today, helping where I can. No work just busy trying to help. But now I'm tired and I can't sleep cause the memories are there, always there, always lurking. I won't be free, never will be
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm sitting here with you - we'll breath together ok?
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you, your very kind
@calmLake1999 You're welcome
I'm sorry you're having a hard time with memories. I know it's hard dealing with those and it's hard to distact from them sometimes
@mytwistedsoul
I get so stuck in them sometimes it's hard to see anything else
@calmLake1999 I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know how I feel when this happens - the raw-ness of everything. How hard it is to get it to release it's grip. Sometimes - I ty to lose myself in goofy things - cartoons - sometimes a video game - something simple that focus's on colors and patterns - nothing you really need to pay attention to but - IDk - tbh - alot of times I try just about anything.
Maybe - if it helps imagine Jess and I are sitting with you - we'll watch another Harry Potter and tell dumb jokes.
Be gentle with yourself Calm
@mytwistedsoul @nonethewiser
Thank you both. It helps to imagine you both sitting with me ❤️
@calmLake1999 You're welcome Calm. I'm glad it helps.
The mind doesn't distinguish reality from fake. This is something you can take advantage of. What I mean the brain can't recongize between bad memories and something you make to be real. To trick your brain, what you can do is practice positive affirmations and visualize something that makes you feel safe or pleased. Try to let go of the memories and forgive for your own sake. Feel within your heart love and compassion for yourself@calmLake1999
@calmLake1999
Lets try rephrasing a statement:
What Im seeing here are a few things, distortions, rumination, unrealistic expectations. Have you tried going out into the rain on foot and feeling it as it falls on your face? Perhaps rephrasing some of these distortions might be helpful as well!
To want freedom from our memories is unrealistic as we dont forget the trauma or other things weve been through in life. Human brains arent programmed that way. We can definitely reprogram and learn coping techniques to lessen symptoms that these memories might be causing though!
What grounding techniques do you use? Are you practicing cognitive behavioral therapy? I have a myriad of tools under my belt for dealing with my own trauma & learning more every day!
Lets talk!
I'm feeling still quite down today, it's ok though I went to therapy and worked through some of it. It's just a sad aftereffect I get I think, I'm not sure. I feel really blessed to have the beautiful people who are my friends here. Beautiful souls and always so kind. I'm not sure if I'm a great friend to have but I'm grateful nonetheless. I'm quite contemplative tonight, with therapy and talking comes a lot of pain.
@calmLake1999
Ignore my first sentence in the previous paragraphs (the lets rephrase a statement. thats a helpful technique, but it was meant to have content afterwards and sadly my brain forgot that sentence existed hahaha! Im tired). Do you go through a physical release of grief/emotion after talking with your therapist? It definitely can be painful talking about everything, but the pain you feel is healing. Its like building a muscle, you have to break it down first (the hard work, the talking) before it can repair (the pain) and get stronger (healthy coping). Think about the progress youre making with each new day! Think about how much strength youve gained and how youre stacking your resilience armor!!!! LEVEL UP!!!
@calmLake1999 do you feel like youre releasing some emotions after a therapy session? I sometimes cry like a huge burden is being let go of after talking to my therapist. It hurts a little because it is my mind facing the reality of my trauma, but the small amount of pain is worth it for the inevitable payoff of relief that comes after.
I don't understand life, I don't understand society. Everything is confusing, everything seems so backwards, but maybe it's not backwards. Maybe I was never meant to belong in this world. Maybe my earlier theories have been correct all along. Seems you have to be a different sort of person than I am to belong in this world. Idk my thoughts are everywhere. There is anger and frustration and injustice sitting deep in my heart and I don't like those emotions. Having no emotions is much more beneficial for getting through
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you*
I don't understand any of this either. I don't understand how things seem to work here - the way people can treat one another and then a day or two later - go back to the way it was. So Idk - is it me? Is there something I'm missing in the way these things work? The socializing - the dynamics of it all? The fact that they get away with it - Idk - sorry I'm rambling.
You're not alone with this thinking and wondering if maybe you're just the odd person out. And those are some of the tougher emotions to have - in my view anyway. Because it feels right - but yet it feels so wrong too. Conflicting - ya know?
@mytwistedsoul
It just makes no sense, the crueler people are it seems the more they get away with. It's an unjust world, and I don't like the emotions I have. I'm so angry and so frustrated that things are just always so messed up. I just, I don't think it's ok or makes sense to lash out and hurt people cause they are hurting. I'm hurting but the last thing I'd ever want to do is hurt someone else. It just this hits a little too close to home right now, but I want to stay around and make sure that you and Jess don't get hurt by this person either. I'm just, gah I can't breathe I don't like anger. This maybe just unleashed the anger I've been hiding for some time.. too many people get away with saying they only hurt because they are hurting or the it's your fault, you made me do this. I'm sick of the excuses. I'm sick of the lies and the stories people spin just to continue their sick ways of hurting others. The poor me act to reel back in and then hurting again. It's a vicious cycle and I hate that this place where so many people come to be heard and feel safe when they don't have a safety in their offline world is tainted with this. I understand maybe a second chance, but how many chances do people get?
@calmLake1999 I have to be honest - I'm glad you see this stuff too - I hate that you do but it kind of helps me know it's not just me. I know Jess sees it too but - I always doubt myself and wonder if I'm just looking at it wrong.
I think what gets me most is that people don't even apologize or if they do it's not sincere. Yeah - and the excuses. Everyone here is hurting in one way or another. You're supposed to offer comfort and support - not use them as punching bags. Even if it is just online. It still hurts.
As for chances - some people have had dozens of chances and they seem to think it's ok to keep doing it. He even had the nerve to post again on her thread yesterday. I mean - come on - who does that?
It does it hit close to home - it's bullying - abusive. Sometimes we start feeling this way because it's about people we care about - it's easy to get angry for them - then it is ourselves.
@mytwistedsoul
I've seen the multiple name changes and wondered if that was the reason. I've had a gut instinct for a while but I'm usually more reserved and shy, but I really dislike seeing people I care about attacked. I think words can hurt more than anything else and especially when it's a targetted attack. I seen the post yesterday and I think it is just so cruel to keep doing it. It is just abusive and makes me so angry.
@calmLake1999 8 months - this has been going on with him. He gets kicked out and just creates a new account. Come back like the conquering hero and blames everyone else for the reasons. Well - you probably know from reading the threads.
It makes it hard to share here - because it just gives him things to use against you. But it's not fair to be silence. And there doesn't seem to be anyone here that can put a stop to it and in some ways people continuing to interact with him as though nothing happened just makes it seem ok for him. Not that he didn't think it was ok anyway but Idk - wheres the consequences? If I acted like that and got kicked out - I would be ashamed to come back.
If nothing else - where's the human decency? Why should his pain be more worthy than any one elses?
@mytwistedsoul
That's so true, I don't believe anyone's pain is any worse or less than others. Someone's pain and hurting is never an excuse to continue to interact in that way. I too would be ashamed to come back but I could never see myself being so cruel. Im assuming regret, empathy and guilt is not something he feels or else he wouldn't continue coming back.
That is so sad that he has continued this for 8 months with no consequences. It does make it hard to be vulnerable in the one place that's supposed to be where people can vent their pain too.
@calmLake1999 No he doesn't feel any of that. Has even referred to what he does as entertaining. Idk - it just makes me sick.
We try to avoid him - I mean we tried to come to a truce but he lashed out and attacked again. So We just had to say enough and be done. But then he fishes or comes to your thread and well - you saw.
Sorry I went off on a tangent lol
@mytwistedsoul
Lol that's ok, yeah I seen that, I find that the part that makes me uncomfortable that he has come into your threads and started. It's just so frustrating.
@calmLake1999 It is frustrating. How are you feeling right now? Maybe alittle better that we both vented about it? If not that's ok - I think I'm feeling more frustrated about it myself. So - lol
Still sitting with you
I refuse to give my energy away. My energy is reserved for those I care about. This is still my safe place and I will not abandon or leave this place just because of words. I have dealt with far worse bullies in my own life, one being my own mother so therefore this is something I will not let bother me. I have the strength to stand up to my ex who has similar twisted views about the world. I still choose to be kind and supportive to my friends.
I'm in the weirdest mood, I don't even feel like myself today.. I'm hyper but not, I'm calm but stressed, I'm anxious and jumpy but I feel like doing something but I can't cause I have work.. it's a weird feeling, Im not even feeling like me
@calmLake1999 @NoneTheWiser
Would it help more if I said I kind of feel the same way? LOL
I wanna do something, it's raining here now, yay I like rain, maybe I'll dance in the rain. But I don't like rain when I'm driving it's kinda scary, especially when you hit a puddle and it feels like your flying instead of driving that's kinda scary. But I'm wide wide awake and wanna do something, if it wasn't nighttime I could maybe go to a swing or something but I feel like is be silly doing that..
I should go from here now, I suppose to be sleeping but I don't like sleep, it's not safe. I really want a hug but hugs also not safe. Touching is not safe . Why is things that suppose to be safe not safe. Life be really unfair lots of times. I'm still sad but the rain makes me feel like the clouds are crying for me which is nice. The clouds get to cry but it's not allowed for Calm to cry. I cuddle up to heavy blanket maybe and listen to rain
@calmLake1999 You're in my thoughts.
I'm glad the rain has found its way and I hope it helps with the fires.
Be kind and gentle with yourself
Deep sadness has hit today, I've been very lazy, lying around and crying, don't know wtf is wrong with me but I just can't stop it. Communicating again with he who is bad for me. Deep loneliness set this off. But being alone is better and safer. Self anger but also sadness. I accept that I just want to be loved in a way but also have a tendency to push away those who are nice. The familiar with him is what keeps me going back, stupid girl. But deep deep sadness lingering, extreme exhaustion, I need to be compassionate to myself but I can't. Don't see my therapist until late next week, missing her insight and safety. Trying to self soothe but let myself cry too, it's hard when those voices inside the head are mean to me. Partial dissociation is happening too, if you can partial, idk. I don't fully feel like an adult today but a child that wants a hug, safe hug. Maybe the weighted blanket will help
I'm weighing up some confusing aspects of my life. Last I talked with my therapist about how I missed him, she asked what it was that I missed, I can't name it exactly because we fought so often and it sounds stupid but he was nice sometimes, and he could make me feel special. I don't know, the intense feelings I have for him come and go and now he's apologised again, and sent me flowers, I've never had flowers sent to me before and maybe I was being unreasonable. I was starting fights too.. I want the niceness he shows, I want to feel special but I don't know if the pros outweigh the cons.. it's like a 70/30 with him, 30 percent of the time he's really sweet, but the 70 percent is familiar, the fighting, the violence and familiarity isn't safe.. I am unsure how to go about this when my loneliness is playing a huge part in why I'm letting him back in. I want to forgive him but I don't know if I can. And the messages I've received throughout my life are playing a role too, what if this is the best I get? What if because I'm stupid and worthless and ugly I'm only good for being with him. What if the 30 percent sweetness is just a bonus.. so many questions, so many uncertainties.. I might just listen to music and tune out for a while