Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
So it's a new year here, doesn't feel any different, I guess they never do, always feel the same
It's crazy how emergencies like this bring people back together. I'm in half a mind to be cruel and tell him to f*ck off but I can't do that either. He said he needs me right now and what sort of person does it make me if I just ignore someone who needs help, even if it means that I'm going against what is good for me? I'm torn about what to do, but I think I know what I need to do
Dissapearing into the darkening mind,
Steady the breathing, to calm the heart..
The heart is racing and hands are shaking..
My mind can be a turmoil.. I wish I could be more assertive, more hardened. I wish I could say with the anger I have for him to P*ss off and leave me alone. But it feels cruel to do that. I'm too soft. Too weak. I should find a way to harden up, but I'm too weary for all that. So much has been lost and my heart is weakened from him. I dunno. My best beat now is to pretend I'm at work, maybe that is the best idea. Cowardly, very cowardly of me to do. But my therapist told me I've got to put my safety first. Does that also apply to this situation? I'm not even sure. Does my safety mean leaving someone out in danger? I know there are other options, but maybe I am his last option. Too many possibilities, don't like the different roads that are there. I don't know what to do. I don't like making decisions sometimes.
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you* I think your safety is everything. You're human - I think we - well we think with our hearts first. Then after some passes - and the brain has some time to replay things a million times - then we have that omg moment.
You're in my thoughts
I did a bad thing tonight. I tried promising myself that I wouldn't do it again, and I tried everything I could to not go back to it but I just couldn't control myself. The thoughts overtook me, I had to make the feelings and thoughts stop, so I did it. I'm a stupid stupid person. I'm weak and pathetic
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you*
You're not weak or pathetic or stupid.
@mytwistedsoul @nonethewiser
Thank you both ❤️ I'm not in a great place right now.
@calmLake1999 I'm sorry to hear that Calm
Is it ok if I sit with you?
@mytwistedsoul
You can sit with me, I'm not good company though
@calmLake1999 That's ok - I'm probably not very good company either
*grabs a seat*
@mytwistedsoul
I think your always good company and thank you for being here.. I just have some very dark and mean thoughts about myself right now.
@calmLake1999 Thank you and you're welcome. Is there something that helps distract you from these dark thoughts? I know I have a hard time with that - they worm their way in and - man I look for all kinds of evidence to support those thoughts
I did something fun today, I am extremely exhausted though cause it involved being around a lot of people 😬 but I went to a fair today, or carnival might be a term more relatable I'm not sure.. anyways I went on the doggem cars and even went in the ball pit which I couldn't get back out of.. it's like that child part of me that never gets to have fun actually had fun today and now the adult me is very very exhausted
Mood tired but feeling accomplished, I helped little tat have that fun child stuff she never got before
Ohh and the slide.. didn't ever realise slides go so fast! That was the first time I've been on a slide and it was super fast 😂
@calmLake1999 Sounds like a wonderful day Calm - I'm glad you enjoyed it
