Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I managed some self care today, I thought I had to go against what my mind was telling me so I forced myself into self care. I changed the colour of my hair and trimmed it so it kinda feels like I don't look the same, I'm hoping it helps some. I also got some chocolate ice cream but I haven't eaten any yet. I'm thinking I might go for a road trip tomorrow as well, but I'll see. I don't wanna put my hopes on it because I become too dissapointed in myself when I can't do something I say I will.
Besides that I did a check of how I'm feeling physically, I'm still aching so I need to try and sleep tonight. I am over tired so there's an energy pumping through my muscles which I don't know how to turn off yet.
Emotionally I feel quite numb, .I am assuming it's a protective thing after last night. I am also grateful for the amazing people here who check in on me and sit and listen. I'm so very very grateful! ❤
@calmLake1999 Hey How are you? Just wanted to pop in and say hey - see how you're doing.
@mytwistedsoul
Hi, I'm ok, I'm mostly numb still.. thank you, how are you doing?
@calmLake1999 I'm glad you're doing ok. Sorry to hear you're still numb - allthough - sometimes I think thats better. Tbh - I've been a wreck lately. Thanks for asking though. I hope you have a good weekend and can do something nice for yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.
Tonight has been so weird. I feel so out of it and odd, I'm not sure what is happening to me. But driving home tonight I felt uneasy but also dizzy and lightheaded and it was so hard to concentrate. I didn't even feel like my car was on the road and I couldn't feel my body which freaked me out. I'm home now and took the longest shower in a long time but I couldn't even feel the water on my skin, it's a really unusual feeling but I can't physically feel anything tonight and I feel like the world is spinning. I was fine while I was at work but as soon as I got in my car I felt this weird feeling.. I guess positive is I've got no emotions or memories or anything flooding me right now
So unsafe.. maybe why I'm feeling this way, it's unsafe to feel, to be in this world.
@calmLake1999 Need to talk? I am here
I'm so fed up with my boundaries not being respected. You can't give it a few weeks then come back and put it on me. It doesn't work that way. I am not anyone's punching bag anymore. I am not a tool to be used. This is the last time you get to hurt me. I have had enough and if my involving the police upsets you or makes you mad, you have no one but yourself to blame. You should have just left me alone. I am not a submissive person anymore. There is so much I'll take before I snap. You need to realise your actions have consequences. I don't care if you say your sorry, if you were really sorry you wouldn't have come tonight and said those things! You wouldn't have tried to hurt me again. Enough has to be enough. This is not healthy for me or anyone else. I am sorry but I choose me. I may still fear you but all you have invoked this time around is anger. I am angry at you, I am angry for believing your apology and thinking I was at fault. I won't hold your shame for you. That is for you not me to hold!
@calmLake1999 Be strong. Stick to those thoughts, and do it. You have to think of yourself. What harm it brings to you and your mental health, Stop the physical hurt to, if any. It will bring your body down in the long run,
I am so sorry for who I am as a person, I'm sorry for being mad and scared and confused .
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - it's ok to be mad scared and confused. I know most days I am too. It's hard to live that way. Always questioning yourself - wondering if you're doing the right thing - making the right choices. Idk - I'm hoping life gets easier as it goes.
*just sitting here with you*
I feel so guilty, I was such a b!t
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - It's hard sometimes to know what the right thing is to do in a situation like that. It seems after the fact is when we start to question and second guess our actions. I know it's hard - forgive me if I'm over stepping but you did what felt right in the moment. I don't see anything wrong with that. It's a hard decision. You're safe - you kept yourself safe - to me that's important.
@mytwistedsoul
I just feel like I did the wrong thing, I kept myself safe because he is unpredictable but at the same time I got him into trouble and I never wanted that for him. All I really wanted was to be left alone, but maybe he is remorseful, we only fought because of me, he got angry cause I was standoffish and mean. I instigated the argument and the consequences of the fight
@calmLake1999 Idk - I may be wrong but - technically he got himself into trouble by showing up there. I know when I feel threatened - well - the reaction isn't always the best. I think if he's unpredictable - it's natural to be standoffish. Your guard was up. With that comes some mean-ness because we're preparing to do what ever we have to. Sorry - maybe I'm not saying the right things
@mytwistedsoul
No it's ok, that does make sense. I think that's what I get angry about in the first place because he did just show after I hadn't seen him from the last time. I thought it was over and he came back again.. I think maybe I'm just trying to make sense of it and the guilt I have :/
@calmLake1999 I think - maybe some of the guilt is -well - empathy? You feel bad because he got into trouble and while it wasn't your intention - he still showed up at your house unplanned and unannounced. It was totally unexpected and caught you off guard. Maybe there's something positive in this though - and maybe he will learn and not come around again
I feel like I'm doing a little better today.. I'm on edge again but that's ok, I can manage that more than the guilt. I'm not sure where the guilt went, it just dissapeared for a little while, it may be hidden because I tend to feel guilty for things often. I'm not sure if I'm numb or just tired, it could be a combination. I realise the numb comes out more when I'm overwhelmed or when I need to be alert. I can't really be alert if I'm feeling extreme emotions, that will just lead to things happening. I definitely didn't handle the other night well, I don't think anger is a good emotion for me to have. When I'm angry I don't think things through, and although I wouldn't hurt anyone physically, (wondering though is pushing someone hurting someone?) I do tend to say things that can be hurtful and I swear a lot when I'm angry. I've been sitting and trying to process and I can understand that my anger maybe an understandable reaction, I've been trying to think if a friend went through that would I judge them for getting angry? I definitely wouldn't but I always hold myself to a different set of rules, the rules I guess that were instilled in me. The rules that I am different and worthless therefore bad things happen because of me. I've been trying to work through it in therapy but it's so easy to default back to what I know when things go wrong. I revert maybe because things seem to make more sense when I am the reason, cause or to blame? I'm not sure..
I lost track there for some reason. But I am trying not to judge myself to harshly. I did get angry and I did say and do things that after the fact I felt guilty for. However, I don't think I should hold the blame or not all of it. I think it was ok for me to become angry after the last time he was over. I think the anger may have been a fear reaction. Sometimes at work when some of those I care for, especially if they are new to the facility we look for cause and effect.. are they agitated because of an unmet need or are they agitated and angry because of fear? Sometimes the fear of being in a new place and situation with people they don't know causes a reaction of anger and agitation which is completely understandable. So if I can see that in my work I need to try and apply that to this situation. I don't know if I'll be able to make that work because anger is a hard emotion for me to hold. But I reacted out of fear I think. I was unsure what would happen and my fight/flight/freeze response changed. I knew I couldn't flight and freezing has been to my detriment in the past, so it kinda makes sense why my body chose to fight this time.
I think I might be thinking too much on this.. I'm so over tired but my mind is in numb process mode, while keeping an eye out just incase..
I'm not sure how I'll find that elusive safe feeling again. I had it briefly but lost it when I started to date him
Thank you to all that have helped me but I think I need to go now. My anxiety is too high and I feel like I write nothing but darkness. Maybe it's time for a break, a break from it all. I'm just so very tired and so very dissapointed in myself. Sending love to anyone who might need it. I think I will return once I straighten my head out a bit and get past this phase
I decided I shouldn't isolate anymore, when I isolate I make myself more vulnerable. Physically I'm not doing well, pain feels permanent but maybe will fade in time. Emotionally I'm all over the shop, the numbness has been constant during the days but fades at night leaving me with hours of being unable to sleep and just overthinking everything. I've been watching the news for the first time in forever, mostly because of the bushfires down my way, realised I need to be kept up to date so I'm not in the dark when it comes to that. It was an awfully hot day today or so I'm told, the numbness is a blessing there because I don't feel cold or hot, I feel nothing. I'm not sure what that is about but it's a plus, I did have to end therapy early or more like my therapist sent me home because I'm physically not great but meh, I'm surviving.. that's what feels like a constant in my life, I never feel like I'm truly living just surviving.. never safety just on edge, living moment by moment and hoping no more pain comes my way, though somehow the physical pain is easier to cope with than the emotional pain, I'm not sure how to cope with emotions, whereas the pain from a physical assault is something familiar, I know how to shove it down and keep going.