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Apeatrice September 13th

Tw; sex (assault & lgbtq), domestic abuse, sh and social anxiety.


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Hi lovelies. Hope life is treating you nice.

*Strength and luck to you*

Please don't park your comments here, thank you. 😊


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Just because it burns, doesn't mean I'm about to die.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.


57
Apeatrice OP September 19th

can you believe it? I'm still 50 kg after all the things I binged down in the last few weeks
Apeatrice OP September 23rd

Hi Adalida, I 'm missing you.

If I thought that the transnation of mom leaving dad will be peaceful this time, I was sadly mistaken.

...

They were yelled at each other on the phone last night.

Mom said that; she would she don't care if she don't have the financial support needed. She will leas the family together to *** if that's what it takes. She also said she wanted to die more than my dad.

I can't sleep

Then I jumped a mile high and screamed out loud when suddenly found mom standing besides my bed, I thought I was haunted....

Life is pretty massed up at the moment.
Apeatrice OP September 23rd

That was two days ago.

Last night, mom said if we don't give dad some pressure , he will never move Claire to a better school.

Looks like they are getting back together.

...

I dreamed that I forced my cousin, who is abt 12 years old to take a bath with me.

It was terrifying, why am I having those dreams?

I'm so glad its only a dream tho.


I'm really really, angry . mom is making me cooking more dishes and I have to spend at least three hours in the kitchen, 2 in the laundry, 7 on the baby, 2 on tidy up everything thats a mass and at least 4 on my studies, 1 on out door activities. Feeling like I'm ready to explode
Apeatrice OP September 24th

I hate my life, Adalida.
Apeatrice OP September 30th

I relapsed once again. Isn't it funny? I relapsed during shower. 

In a shower. 
...
This morning I get up later than usual since the phone is in debt and I can't acccess internet and my math lessions and all.
But than I payed the bill and still, can't access the Internet. I must have filled the phone number wrong or something. And I felt really, really upset at myself. Because, well, how came I have messed everything up? How can this happens all over again?
I wannna punish myself really bad.
And I just found out that I've been using a lot of swears lately, it goes against my personal values. So, all the more reasons for me to punish myself. 
I overheard mom on the phone yesterday, she said that she's considering dropping Anna out of kindergarten because the tuition is so expensive. 
Don't know what to make on that.
I guess I always knew that none of us are ever gonna be normal.
Its noon, I made lunch but mom haven't got back yet.
Guess today isn't gonna be my happy day.
I'm having my period.
ʢᵕ﹏ᵕʡ
Adalida, do you know that I have never had any liking for boys? I know it can be like a teenage thing, but...
Maybe I will change and have a normal family life in the future but...
Its weird.
Everything is weird and bewildering.
I guess I'm feeling frustrated at the moment. Nothing is "right"
Apeatrice OP September 30th
Setting my promise here that I will use no more.swears word.
Dad is supposed be on a business trip today, maybe I can go and visit his office to fetch some flours later this afternoon.
I don't know what's wrong with me, I keeps imagining things, like having an imaginary conversation with you while cooking, reaction due to some episodes in my head. I can't even shut them up hard as I tryed.
I'm turning 15 soon, and with in a few months time, 16.
Did I really thought I can leave when I turned 16? Why can't I leave?
I feel so tired.
My arm is aching.
There's a clock tapping the seconds.
Tomorrow mom will have lessons.
I needs to get Claire off to her football class tomorrow.
I wanna paint something but don't know what.
I wanna be in the mental hospital and I felt ashamed for having that desire.
I don't know if I can take my test at all, we are on a tight budget, dad promised to pay the fee but now...
I needs to do the laundry but I'm ao sleepy.
And now, I just told mom about why I can't take the test.
Feel anxious, scared and overwhelmed.
People just don't get it. I mean, how can anyone get it? They thought the can change everything by pretending nothing has happened. Mom said my aunt and cousins missed me, how can I tell her that they are something I tryed to ran away from?
Guess I'm never gonna work it out.
Hey, Adalida, you have thousands of patients. Do you misses them? All of them? Do we experience the feeling of missing someone the same way? Is it the same sensation for everyone?
Apeatrice OP September 30th
Sometimes, I seen you as my mother, not the mom I have (I'm grateful for my mom and family and all but, hope you get the idea) but, I first experience daughter and mother relationship with you. Its hard to explain...
I m i ss e d y o u 


I missed everything. So much.

I washed my Bluetooth earphones. I know, its stupid, but it happened and now I didn't seems to be able to turn it off after getting it from the washing machine after it been completely soaked. 
I 'm screwed. I knew it, its all my stupid fault.
Its midnight, since there's no internet access. I paint. 
Its as awful as the ash tray. Promising myself never to paint ever again.
As least no brushes.
Apeatrice OP September 30th
People just don't get it. I don't know what to do. Today is Saturday and so we went to the mall and...I didn't pay the internet bill "coz " I spent my money on buying groceries.
Turns out that mom is having finance issues again. I'm so scared and anxious at the moment where she blows, I mean, its what she usually do, break down. My head hurts and my ears rang. 
Earphone still turning on and off. 
I'm feeling more guilt and anxiety than usual since I 've been binge eating for the past few weeks. And since no one is telling me what to do and how I don't deserve this or that, I'm ...
They are heading out...
I think they won't be home till dinner.

Does people really wanna do good deals at times? I mean not doing good stuff because of profit but out of human consciousnes and compassion?

Honestly, I feel really, really, really weird. My little sister Claire is supporting the family by making videos and I am refusing to become a hoster. Its like, I'm a vampire, *** on my little sister's blood for survival. Adalida, do you know how I hate the word *** because of that? Its worse a few months ago, I literally hated food because eating is so much a sin.

I guess I'm holding a lot of anger at mom, why didn't she used birth control? The four of us? Really?
...
Its just, I have never hold the realization that mom have sexual desires.
Was she ripped? Did dad forced her?
...
I feel so alone
Apeatrice OP September 30th

I stayed up all night. Its stupid, mom gotten back to dad and I can't register that peacefully so...I took it out on myself by not sleeping.

I guess I'm messed up and feeling weird.

Wish things has turned out differently.
Apeatrice OP October 5th

Hum... Thanks for chatting with me last night.

Yes, I guess its only a coincidence and its okay for me to feelthreatened...

I finished hosting last night, its my very first session and on the dark side, I think its awful. On my defense, I say its only my first one and I didn't messed it up too bad.


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