To Adalida (Journal collections)

I feel kinda sleepy even though I had my eight hours snore last night. Actually, I have been sleeping eight hours for a faw days now. Thats certainly an improvement. The illusions of ghost are gone but...well I still have an overactive imagination.

I feel like I'm experiencing my turbulent adolescents years at least, I'm arrogant and all the other qualities and all.

I also have to cook so...ganna write in this later.

ʢᵕᴗᵕʡ

I just had an illusion. Please understand that I do imagine things but recently I had started to react to them physically. 

I was daydreaming that we met , yes you and me. Met in front of your office building.

You ; Hey Ape, how has you been? I missed you so much.

Me; I'm pretty good, no longer the late night relationship consoler of my bed and mattress.

You; Glad to hear that.

Some passersbye; Is this your baby?

Me;...

You; (staring at me filled with fascination)

Stranger walked off.

Me; I hate people, in fact I wanna go kill all those people who are gossiping about me right now.

Ok this is where I throw my laundry against the wall and react like you are here, not in my head, but actually here with me, standing infrout of me.

Laugh out loud.

Correction; I didn't stop seeing ghost, its dark and I'm seeing them again, but I know they aren't real tho. Guess we all see those stuff.

Hi Adalida, I'm writing this from the 33 flour of my building at 6 am in the morning. But don't worry I'm not in crisis, I made a promise to you and I never forgot that.

 The world looks so beautiful from here.

And I feel so peaceful and relieved.

Untill I get back and 3 hours later, here I am, a baby in arm. Mom yelling in the next room, some kid crying somewhere in the neighborhood. 

There is something stuck in my head, refusing to be quieted down. Its a memory about my early years.

I was in my dads bathroom. The door is locked as mom pod on the door, she kicked it at the glass cracked. It was midnight, a time where most kids sleeps or do their homework.

I hold my breath as she cursed and yell. Then she said she needs to use the facial wash and naively I open the lock, she storm inside and slap my face. She was dragging me out of the door by my ear when she spotted the towel on the floor which I had used as a mattress. It was my dad s towel. She hoawed with laughter.

I had slept on a man's towel.

The shame won not go away.

The sence changed.

I was hiding in my dads study, door is again locked. She called me a coward and tell me to face the consequences of my actions. I open the door and fly across the room as mom kick herself in.

I'm ...

I hate my life.

And the fact that you will never be here for me again.

Kinda wanna to massage you again... But I'm afraid you will tell me to get me a to a mental ward and stuff. Kinda mad at you.

Feeling not to great at the moment.

Adalida, I think I'm choosing to be difficult so as  to rise pity from people around me.

Hi Adalida. Today suppose be mid autumn festival.🫂🫂

I wanna punish myself for districting myself with movies and avoiding sleep and study for the last few days

Its not just any movies either, they are all about mental illness and hospitals and hallucinations. Make me think I choosen to be sick and ill. Or more strictly; by watching those movies, I learned how to be ill.

I given up my 8 hours effort, since I still have illusions and emotional issues plus everything even after I get rested. Seems like no matter what I do, I can change nothing.

Amazing as it may seems, I'm beginning to have desires in the body and opposite gender apartment.

But also

I wanna do something permanent damaging to my production part of my body

 By the way, are you real? Or are you an imaginary person I created.

Maybe 7cups is also an imaginary product

I relapsed. Adalida I don't know what to do