To Adalida (Journal collections)

Mom was really suicidal when I was young, like (like when I was 4 years old) she still works at my dads company back then. And there was this one day where something went wrong and we were sitting on the kitchen floor. 

I remembered mom asking me to slap her while she slaped my face, she said "lets die"

Adalida, it befuddled me even now and back then, I remember tears streaming down my face but I stayed there, frozen. Mom kept on slapping me and when I made it clear that I wouldn't hurt her, she began slapping her own face as well.

And as hard as I trys, the memory won't leave me alone.

Yeah yea, I know. I should learn to tolerate it and learn to live with it.

T_T

You know what, Adalida? I feel kinda better after getting it out off my chrst. 

My head is starting to ache again despite of it.

(¬_¬)ﾉ

You know what? I think I like giving out hugs and receiving them and I stopped caring so much about what you have said. 

Hehehe.

Whats the intention of those words anyway? Was it simply a mistake? Were you simply speaking out your mind by accident? 

I have my ielts test soon, don't know what to deal with it...

One a lighter topic, I am jealous of those who have their mom and dad cooking for them...

Mom hadn't made anything for a really, really, really long time.

Mom is talking to Claire abt school and how its a place from brain washing.

She has been doing that for ever since I was 6. Didn't change much.

I feel really bored. I can't chat with my friends or talk to anyone nor do anything for fun. Mom just told me to get my clothes stand rejusted so it will coincide with everything, But I feel so exhausted anf mad at how she kerps changing everything. From the bed to the bookcaces to the tables and etc that I'm try to ditch the tesk.

Did I ever mention my mom s major in college has been English and Education (not as in school and stuff, but as in how to educate children) so how does anyone like that can do anything wrong with educating a kid, educating me? 

I'm just a piece of ***. ʕᵕᴥᵕʔ

Lol I changed the settings and now...my notes look just like yours , Adalida. I have never asked you whats inside your notes during our Therapy sessions. Humm... 

Wish I had the chance tho.

Do you use color pencil while writing notes?

Do you review it to your students ?

Did you looked at it the night I took those pills and wondered ?

Did you missed me? We haven't met from nine days now.

Hey, imagine if I keeps writing in this journal daily, do you think I have a chance to publish it into a book?

That will be fun, right? Think I will needs your permission before everything tho...

There's something else about mom that I never had the chance to tell you. (Holy ***, I can't even get a password for this notes since I locked the settings and won't be able to unlock it till midnight)

Something even in this language can I not feel comfortable to word. But I think I needs to get it out.

Uh...

Off topic question, have you ever felt more comfortable speaking in another language then your native language?

"Cause" this is how I feel everytimes I try to voice my feelings and daily issues. Not that Chinese isn't beautiful and wise and all, its just...its the language I was insulted in.

Do you know that it kinda chains me when you said that a character of immaturity if how people grap hold of something and won't let it go and keeps crying about it? 

It describes me too, isn't it?

...

Mom keeps on repeating herself, I keeps crying about my issues.

Uncle never shut up about how grandpa beats him when he was young, dad never shut up about how "proud " he is of us. 

Are those actions also considered immature?

Its autumn moon Festival, I'm supposed to phone my grandma, (yes that grandma, the one who's adult son ripped that girl) but I can't.

How can I when calling her triggers me so much?

This puts me into so much guilt.

She token care of me when I was a toddler and now I leave her all alone...

I don't think I have ever told you why I reacted so...badly when ever I 'm with my dad and uncle. They made me feel like they can have relationship with me without my permission. So I had stopped trusting them and we can barely talk to each other...

I don't wanna expand why on that right now.

Maybe some day.

I hate it when people joke how my legs looks and how I look like a hen, really fat on my production part of my body.

Laugh out loud. I just wrote four pages filled with why am I so stressed lately, seemingly I can never reveal them even to you in reality. I call this really really, funny.

Today is my 16th day staying self harm clean. 

Wish you can be here with me. Do I deserve you to be here tho?

Think its all my fault that I'm here in the first place anyway.

Will it be weird to say that I'm worried about mom and dads relationships?

I think dad is stressing out and he might do things to her...

I'm scared. But he s taking us out to dinner tonight.

So...

I don't have a choice but to go, I have to protect my mom.

Even though I'm a *** myself.

Apeatrice

I'm soooo frustrated. We went out to dinner last night and my cousin joined us. Yes the same cousin who I had been accused of saying awful stuff behind her back by my mom. Adalida, I'm so angry at my mom for messing up every relationship and so frustrated. I have never made any judgments about anyone I ever met. Not even when you asked me to.

Although I had started making them a faw weeks back I had hardly eveer spoke them out alond. It was unfair that my mom should say I did those things.

And last night we returned home late, the same security guard who happen to be there the night I took those pills and colled the ambulance, the same guard who I once so often said "thank you for ur hard work and dedication" before my social anxiety gets worse. I will smile uncontrolablly every time I passes him.

I Hate It !!

Mom asked me to talk to him.

It was soo ...ugh...

I feel a obligation to protect my mom. I'm worried dad might hurt her so...lets say I found a reason to get out even though my socal anxiety...

I missed you. I wish you can be here to cuddle me tight and tell me everything is gonna be ok, but you are not here and I'm journeying on my path all alone.

I think because of my silence and my strange behavior, I had become the topic of discussion ij the neighborhood.

True of not, it just made everything worse.

I 'm really unstable these days, I feel like my mom. Capable of physical and emotional violence to my family. Especially my sisters.

I'm gonna take the day off and try to sort everything out.

Can I be honest with you about something?

I wanna cut myself again, really deep on my legs.

(╯︵╰,)

One minute I am in your arms. Next minute you are gone.

How am I going to turn all those things out?

Thinm theres a chain in how the abuse passed on from my grandpa to my dad to my mom and to my sisters.

I called it wave effect. Because it seems like a huge wave that never ends.

My grandpa attacked my grandma and my dad attacks my mom and mom attacks me and me past it on to my sisters who...

A huge ocean wave that swallowed all of us and refuse to split us back out. 

Its funny how life can be like that sometimes, we suffers in the chain. But try to break it causes us so much insecurities that we rather stays in it. And many of us doesn't know how to break it. It passes on in our genes and blood to the next generation to infinity, untill one of us break it.

Am I supposed to be the one? Am I strong enough to do that?

Can I do that?

I believe everything can be altered. We can be who we wants to be as long as we have the will to work on it.

Maybe I am choosen to be the end of this cycle.

...

There is something I needs to admit to you. I know its gross and I understands if you want to beat me up for it.

I love you in a romantic way. 

And I mean it.

Don't know how you will react to that, Adalida.

I'm sorry for my behavior, but I 'm true. 

I'm disgusted with myself.

Apeatrice

What will happen if everything goess on?

Will I be in a mad house? Will I be goners because my mental goes to far? Should I be scared?

Is it selfish to fear for one's sanity?

...

It suddenly occurs to me that I hadn't moved on. I remembered how my uncle asked why I was being hit, I remembered my mom sitting in the front seat telling someone that she get hurt because she lost her temper to my dad, I remembered everything, I'm angry at everything, everyone.

Its not fair. But life is not made to be fair.

༽◺_◿༼Laughing my *** off at the emoji. 

I'm allergic to something. My mouth is...its itchy. 

I missed you and I know its like the tenth time I said that. Will you being saying that I have attachment issues when you see this message. Maybe I do. Maybe its the reason why I lost everyone.

I'm a piece of ***. Ha!

Mom's mother, my grandma once lived with us, mom was still hitting me at that time. I remembered how tears stream down her face as she tryed to stop her own daughter doing the same thing her husband had done to her to her granddaughter. 

I'm gonna try to get some medicine for the allergy.

I 'm overwhelmed.

I wanna go to a place that I feel safe that's called your office.

I know I sounds arrogant, like a ***.

I don't know what to do with me tho. Should I punish myself for it? 

Did I mention my home is a mass right now? Mom just get all the things out in efforts to sort her things out. I hate untidness.

But there's nothing I can do, she wanna sort it out her way.

I feel kinda sleepy even though I had my eight hours snore last night. Actually, I have been sleeping eight hours for a faw days now. Thats certainly an improvement. The illusions of ghost are gone but...well I still have an overactive imagination.

I feel like I'm experiencing my turbulent adolescents years at least, I'm arrogant and all the other qualities and all.

I also have to cook so...ganna write in this later.

ʢᵕᴗᵕʡ

I just had an illusion. Please understand that I do imagine things but recently I had started to react to them physically. 

I was daydreaming that we met , yes you and me. Met in front of your office building.

You ; Hey Ape, how has you been? I missed you so much.

Me; I'm pretty good, no longer the late night relationship consoler of my bed and mattress.

You; Glad to hear that.

Some passersbye; Is this your baby?

Me;...

You; (staring at me filled with fascination)

Stranger walked off.

Me; I hate people, in fact I wanna go kill all those people who are gossiping about me right now.

Ok this is where I throw my laundry against the wall and react like you are here, not in my head, but actually here with me, standing infrout of me.

Laugh out loud.

Correction; I didn't stop seeing ghost, its dark and I'm seeing them again, but I know they aren't real tho. Guess we all see those stuff.

I just started another audio book about trauma. Lol

ʢᵕ﹏ᵕʡ

I'm bored. Wish you can write back to me.

What will you write back to me? I'm desperate, My family is gonna be at dads mother place within a faw days to celebrate autumn moon festival. I Hate This Plan, but I feel obligated to be there to fulfill my duty as a family number. Am I in this family tho? Do I have a place here. Mom had insisted that I don't. That hurts.

Seems like I will never get over it.

Hi Adalida, I'm writing this from the 33 flour of my building at 6 am in the morning. But don't worry I'm not in crisis, I made a promise to you and I never forgot that.

 The world looks so beautiful from here.

And I feel so peaceful and relieved.

Untill I get back and 3 hours later, here I am, a baby in arm. Mom yelling in the next room, some kid crying somewhere in the neighborhood. 

There is something stuck in my head, refusing to be quieted down. Its a memory about my early years.

I was in my dads bathroom. The door is locked as mom pod on the door, she kicked it at the glass cracked. It was midnight, a time where most kids sleeps or do their homework.

I hold my breath as she cursed and yell. Then she said she needs to use the facial wash and naively I open the lock, she storm inside and slap my face. She was dragging me out of the door by my ear when she spotted the towel on the floor which I had used as a mattress. It was my dad s towel. She hoawed with laughter.

I had slept on a man's towel.

The shame won not go away.

The sence changed.

I was hiding in my dads study, door is again locked. She called me a coward and tell me to face the consequences of my actions. I open the door and fly across the room as mom kick herself in.

I'm ...

I hate my life.

And the fact that you will never be here for me again.

Kinda wanna to massage you again... But I'm afraid you will tell me to get me a to a mental ward and stuff. Kinda mad at you.

Feeling not to great at the moment.

Adalida, I think I'm choosing to be difficult so as  to rise pity from people around me.

Its kind of difficult to explain.

Actually its complicated.

Anyw, I'm with my family and we are at my grandparents place.

We aren't exactly in their house, but you getthe idea.

We are having dinner at a restaurant and it gotten worse

Hi Adalida. Today suppose be mid autumn festival.🫂🫂

I wanna punish myself for districting myself with movies and avoiding sleep and study for the last few days

Its not just any movies either, they are all about mental illness and hospitals and hallucinations. Make me think I choosen to be sick and ill. Or more strictly; by watching those movies, I learned how to be ill.

I given up my 8 hours effort, since I still have illusions and emotional issues plus everything even after I get rested. Seems like no matter what I do, I can change nothing.

Amazing as it may seems, I'm beginning to have desires in the body and opposite gender apartment.

But also

I wanna do something permanent damaging to my production part of my body

 By the way, are you real? Or are you an imaginary person I created.

Maybe 7cups is also an imaginary product

I relapsed. Adalida I don't know what to do

can you believe it? I'm still 50 kg after all the things I binged down in the last few weeks

Hi Adalida, I 'm missing you.

If I thought that the transnation of mom leaving dad will be peaceful this time, I was sadly mistaken.

...

They were yelled at each other on the phone last night.

Mom said that; she would she don't care if she don't have the financial support needed. She will leas the family together to *** if that's what it takes. She also said she wanted to die more than my dad.

I can't sleep

Then I jumped a mile high and screamed out loud when suddenly found mom standing besides my bed, I thought I was haunted....

Life is pretty massed up at the moment.

That was two days ago.

Last night, mom said if we don't give dad some pressure , he will never move Claire to a better school.

Looks like they are getting back together.

...

I dreamed that I forced my cousin, who is abt 12 years old to take a bath with me.

It was terrifying, why am I having those dreams?

I'm so glad its only a dream tho.

I'm really really, angry . mom is making me cooking more dishes and I have to spend at least three hours in the kitchen, 2 in the laundry, 7 on the baby, 2 on tidy up everything thats a mass and at least 4 on my studies, 1 on out door activities. Feeling like I'm ready to explode

I hate my life, Adalida.