The only thing left is memories (Ape's diary, no peaking)
Tw; domestic, sexual abuse, PTSD, (possible Schizophrenia, DID) social anxiety, family stress.
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Hi buddies. Hugs for you all. This is my diary. No reply please. Love you.
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"When I stand before thee at the end of the day'thou shalt see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healings."
—Tagore's 《Stray Birds》
@Bearainy
I know...I haven't been coming here like I should....I missed the session (student support) on Jan 15th...didn't woke up....
It's like, am feeling more stressed, after they banned ticktock and flow in to rednote....it made ne think mom is gonna talk...and yeah, talk she did, but in the first time in my life, I said no and politely...
The only two problems is1, I can't acess the internet, still haven't find what I need to pay the bills and 2, I messaged Adalida...when mom asked about it....lol...embarrassed
I am deserving of love and respect and I'm going to give it to myself unconditionally
I am deserving to be who I am and have a right to reject and say no.
I learning, and making progress big and small
I am grateful for the great French podcast.
I am grateful for my long hair.
I am grateful for my friends
U
@Bearainy
mom's boyfriend always says that “she's good and she's always doing a great job taking care if her threee little sisters” when ever anyone ask about me. even though I call tye emergency service twice when I was left alone with two kids to take care of at 15...and they aren't even my kids...am only 15...and they are only my half sisters...and T_T...and may I ask; WHAT KINDA OF STUPID “PERFECT ”FAMILY HAS THEIR OLDER DAUGHTER DROP OUT OF SCHOOL AT SEVEN YEARS OLD AND LOOK AFTER THEIR CHILDREN ??!!!!
and guess what? my family keeps linking me with online venting and podcast ...even though I never did anything related to it..and is certainly not in a condition suitable for taking those jobs...and let alone am only 15 yrs old....it's like they keeps telling me to do that and support the family...and it used to...it still makes me feel stressed and guilty and this morning...they said that they are only suggesting and no pressure even though I feel so...hurted and stressed and...was one of the reason I commented a attempt last December....it's like they made mee feel like I'm overreacting
. I feel so distant from ny memories and feelings...it's like I am seeing them from far away and...I wanna keeps saying am fine or amy okay and want people to also know that am lying and am not really okay... And I just find out that I have to go back to the pervious grades to understand chemistry and biology, even though am a 10 grader learning form 7 grade...and everything is so massed up and I feel so bad for I was...nom told me to take care of little sister and keep an eye out for them as they go street venting...and it happens that there are this event hold by the community council...and....I got really....triggered because about two years ago...I had asked for help and reached out to them during which my mom was still physically and emotionally abusing me and I was suicidal....and later on mom knows...and she....got...a little...mom...went mad....she was singing “Life is So perfect”ij the ironic way...she was smiling even though she was not happy and....she said she's....sooo “proud” of me in the most ironic way and....and...she said if my grandma heard what I ahve done...Grandma will be so depressed and kill herself and...that I'm a traitor and the communist community council (which is the one I reached out and the ones who hold the event today) is bad and will forbid mom to teach English and earn money...and....they made me thought tye world was bad...and I can trust no one and....the Communist are bad...but now...After today...I saw them helping ppl and making kids happy....and...maybe they are bad in adults world....but...alll kids my age are told to love our country and love our Communist...and...am bad..Even though the workers from the community was trying to help me, you know...they told me to reach out to the community psychology counselor...which is my current best friend and supporter....they were not bad ppl...they help ppl...and I.....I think I committed a crime for dislike them for so longyou know...the leader recognized me...she called my name and...I didn't answer because I was ashamed for having had a mental breakdown in thier office and...I...
it's just...rn it's emotional...some old feeling like missing something...I guess am dissociative again...and...guilt...and distant thoughts about hurting myself and also there's anxiety, and it's overwhelming
I'm struggling with my studies, biology and chemistry and everything else. And I feel so bad for having my family have to hire someone to do the chores and taking care of the baby sister. And then, I lost the cash mom given me weeks ago and am worried about the bills, which, eveb though therapist reminded me not to worry, because it's not my business, it's adults business, I'm still...idk. And urges...it's getting a little overwhelming, yesterday I constantly had thoughts about human body parts, and blood and cutting (am not in crisis rn) And there's my sisters and my own behaviors, I used to...hurt my sisters physically and...I feel bad for having traumatized them after mom traumatized them and I feel bad for seeing my younger sister stretching her legs when ever she get fastrinated...it's like ... They seen me self harm.... And...alot more...I haven't been finishing my study tasks I signed myself everyday for months...and I feel so little motivation to study. And how I can't get mad at my mom for what she did because mom was traumatized too. ...
I am doing the best I can.
I am going to be fine.
I am fine.
I'm grateful for having food, shelter and teddy