The only thing left is memories (Ape's diary, no peaking)

So, I'm up after only 5 hours of Zzzs....

Now, I'm feeling guilty "cause" everything is happening because of me; I don't think I'm trying hard enough to be good, I slept only 5 hours and I deserve it. Its all my fault, I should try harder....

I should stop using electronics at night and spend so much time on internet....its bad for me.

So what if my mental health is fragile, what abt it? Life still continues...

I'm feeling guilty, because, I lack time (which is all my fault again) and motivation to do anything abt my studies...

Everything is my fault, all mine, if I just try a little harder....

Mom and I are having a bifurcation on how much milk we should feed to little jester. She's 28 days old and according to the description on the bottle, she should be feed every 4 hours and drink 120 ml. But mom's feeding her 60 ml, which could give jester possible sickness due to lack of nutrients...its also making jester raged(no surprise there, how can a little baby be good when she's constantly starved?)

I just don't get it, why give birth to a baby when you don't even gives her enough food to be alive?

Is this how the world functions?or maybe its just my family?

Mom was also mad last night because she and dad are having fights with my uncle😞

Sometimes, I wonder if mom had ever looked at me as in I'm her daughter...Anna keeps insisting that I'm an adult , according to her;I can make dinner, do laundry, take care of the baby, buy groceries, hang up the curtains, clean the floors and read books to her, i'm an adult. It makes me wonder that maybe they had all forgotten that I'm only 14...not yet 15, let alone 18....😮‍💨 sometimes, I envy those little kids in kindergarten, I envy them being a kid inside and out. I envy everyone at my age. I envy kids with a father and a mother....

But isn't it a sin? To be discontent with the life you already possess? To want more?

God pardon me, sorry.

I just don't know how I am going to pull though this day...how can I function after everything...

Do I really deserve to be in therapy?

Do I really deserve help and love and respect and food, clothes and sleep plus safety?

Am I enough?

This is the last 400 days I spend with my family, maybe I should try harder to make a difference in my family and my future....

Maybe if I just pushes harder, the pain will be gone.

I feel so...upset. Sitwa is requesting a meeting with mom...she made me wouder if our therapy sessions has comed to an end...

I have lost so many people in the past few months, I can't stand any anymore...

Its 4 am, again I woke up after...

Maybe, my life isn't made to be worked out, maybe ...

I am angry with ape, she made the promise that nothing like this will ever happen when she literally dragged us to attend the first session.

Maybe Sitwa is mad because she just couldn't let me count on her hospitality any longer.

Life has been messy. But right now, it felts like hopeless.

Why should I try? They are going to leave me anyway.