The meadow of a fluffy sheep

@TabbyCat97 @LavenderHere @AnnaSilverberg @RosaHere @Rubylistens22 @brilliantTurtle89 @innateJoy9602 @FaithfulZareia @mariainfj @Avyisking @PoliticallyCorrectGoose @VioletNotes @cristlecares @MagnificentSunrise @Comphi

*crashes into the chat* weee!

I was at camp again for the past week, so I'm going to write about that here!

Day 1

We arrived and met each other. My bunkmates were Iris, Lauren, Neela, Alyssa, Megan, and Leah. Iris brought temporary tattoos that said very interesting things. One of them said "Bite me", another said "Your time is limited" with an hourglass, but there were also some normal ones. She bought them in bulk on amazon. Lauren was giving out bubble tea stickers, and I took some for my friend Cam, who loves bubble tea. He's the one I'm going to be staying with for the first week of school while my mom is on a work trip in Korea. We ate dinner, played games in the field, and had group therapy. Iris leads group therapy every year she comes to camp. Basically, we all sit together in a circle and answer prompts. Most of them were fun, but one session was really heavy. We had opening campfire, watched skits, and ate s'mores.

Day 2

We woke up, got dressed, washed up, and ate breakfast. Then we did swim checks, made slime, ate lunch, had rest hour, and had a spa session. After that was kayaking, dinner, swimming, and then it was time to wash up and get changed into our pajamas. We had a movie night and stayed up until 12. We watched Raya the Last Dragon and we watched Luca. There was popcorn, chips, sour patch kids, oreos, and chocolate.

Day 3

We slept in, cleaned up, ate breakfast, showered, had group therapy with the CITs (counselors-in-training), went to the camp store, did tie-dye, ate lunch, had rest hour, did archery, went kayaking, ate dinner, and went swimming. Then, we went to campfire and ate s'mores, and I met some fellow autistics from the other group, and it was really nice to be able to relate to them.

Day 4

We woke up early for polar plunge, which is where you go swimming at 7 am. After eating breakfast, we went corcling. Corcls are small circular boats that you paddle with kayak paddles. We went geocaching and it was really hot. Then we ate lunch, had rest hour with group therapy, went outside and had a water fight, went hiking, ate dinner, hung out, and painted horses. Actual, physical, breathing horses. We used pet-safe paint and turned this horse named Potato pink and purple and glittery.

Day 5

We woke up, ate breakfast, and went to low ropes, which is like an obstacle course. Then we went kayaking, ate lunch, had rest hour, and made candles. Somebody had donated essential oils/liquid scents to the camp and they were very suspicious. One of them was labeled "Obsession for men (type)" and another one was labeled "Masculine Musk". "Masculine Musk" just smelled like men's cologne but everyone made the joke. Then we hung out, had group therapy, ate dinner, and went on a shipwreck-themed treasure hunt. There were 27 staff hidden in different places around camp and once you found them they would give you a riddle or challenge. Once you completed it they gave you a coin with a letter or number. You didn't have to get to all 27, just to enough where the coins started to make sense. The first three people who won got to dump a bucket of ice water on a staff of their choice. We arranged ours to spell "unit 8", went to unit 8 of day camp, and won first place. We dumped a bucket of ice water on one of the staff who had taken our counselor's name cookie and hung it on the flag pole when it was raining and yelled "Justice for Fifi!!" (Fifi was our counselor's camp name). At the end of camp, the staff told us their real names by singing a song and then yelling out their real name. The first person said her real name, and then the next five people said Ethan, and then the next three people said their real name, and then the next three people said Ethan, and so on, and we were so confused. We think the first two were actually named Ethan, and then the rest just decided to say their name was Ethan because they didn't want to say their actual names. Both Fifi and KitKat (our favorite staff) said their names were Ethan and we were so bummed but then they told us their real names separately and away from everyone. We had campfire, watched skits, and said our goodbyes.

Day 6

We had our final group therapy session. Iris asked, "Does anyone have any highlights or lowlights from this week?" And I am totally using "lowlights" from now on. We packed up, exchanged contact info, and said goodbye. I really liked my bunkmates. Now that I'm home from camp, a group chat has been made, and people are actually making efforts to hang out with each other, including me. In my six years of going to camp, that has never happened, so I'm happy about this.

Other updates (not related to camp)

One of our best friends, Kat, has been acting super distant and uninterested and just like Rosalie did before she left us. It's been making us really nervous and I've been trying to talk to her about it but she hasn't really seemed to care. We think she's going to leave us and that made me really stressed and scared so Fawne fronted because she's simpler and easier to soothe. Before we switched, I asked our friend Cam if he would be okay with Fawne talking to him. He said yes, and he was really gentle and kind with Fawne. He talked to her as if she were a biological child and that was really helpful for us.

I went to the dog park with my friend Jocelyn from school. Neither of us brought our dogs, we were just there to pet them. We talked about all sorts of stuff and when I felt like the time was appropriate I told her about my being an OSDD system. I explained to her what it meant, told her about my alters, and answered her questions. I was really nervous. I didn't want her to think I was crazy or tell anyone. She's the second friend I've told IRL (the first one was Cam) and the first one who goes to my school. I don't want the whole school to know. But I really trust her and she supports mental health and I was 99% sure she would support me, and she did. It was a big relief to tell her. I was scared of her thinking I'm crazy, but she didn't, she respects me and I'm sure she'll respect my alters too.

Hi...

TW/CW rant

My friend Cam's birthday is coming up

Cam is the one whose house I'll be staying at for the first week of school while my mom is in Korea

He was one of the only friends who remembered my birthday

He got me gifts

He wrote me a card

He made me a drawing

He has written paragraphs and paragraphs for me when I needed support

He helped Fawne when she was out last night

He always supports me and is just an incredible friend

Last night we made plans to hang out on his birthday

We were going to the water park and the zoo

But I've been dissociating so it felt like it was at least two days ago

I forgot to put it on my calendar

I don't know why

My mom told me I need to use up the raspberries that are in the freezer

I was planning to have a friend come over and make raspberry pie with them

I invited my friend Lauren over

She said she would come over

Lauren and I haven't hung out one-on-one before

She's cancelled on me once and I've cancelled on her once in that order and so I thought this time would work out because we were both available and because I didn't put Cam's celebration on my calendar I thought I was free

I asked Cam when we were hanging out again and he said the 11th

I think that's his birthday, I can't remember even though I asked our mutual friend Selena about it yesterday (I think) and I think she said it was the 11th and I think I took a screenshot but I got a new phone and I don't have that screenshot anymore and I didn't write it down for god knows why

I was like oh no that's when I planned to hang out with Lauren and I've already cancelled on her once because my calendar wasn't working and camp didn't show up so I thought I was free when I was actually going to be at camp and I didn't want to cancel on her again because I didn't want to seem disinterested

We aren't that close so she wouldn't be as understanding

I told Cam what happened and I apologized and said how sorry I was and how bad I feel and how I know it was my fault

I showed him that I care and all that

He said “we made those plans last night bro” “how do you just forget that and make new plans”

I apologized some more and empathized with his feelings and explained why it happened and he said "yeah but like not even a day later you don't remember? it's not that big of a deal. i'm not gonna cry about it or something but it's just ignorant"

I sent two big paragraphs apologizing and explaining and empathizing

he says "I know you can't help it and I'm really not that mad" "It really isn't that big of a deal" "but I'm just a little upset" "or I was"

I tell him that I can give him space if he needs and that I feel horrible for hurting him and that it is a big deal for me because I care about him and this was important

he says he's not hurt just a little annoyed

then I explain that I've been dissociating and explain that this isn't an excuse and that his feelings are understandable

I told him how I know it was preventable and if I had tried harder it wouldn't have happened

He says he understands

I said I can give him space and asked if he wants that and yes says okay and that he'll talk to me later

I send bye with a heart and he says bye without a heart

and I just feel really bad ☹️

Okay so my ex best friend Rosalie is having a birthday sleepover with the entire friend group and I didn’t even know

Of course she didn’t invite me

But my friend group is my favorite people

And the thought of them all being together having fun without me outside of school is just

Makes me feel so left out and uncared for and hurt

I was on a call with my friend Charlotte

And Charlotte texted Rosalie (ex best friend) and asked if she could invite me (this was her idea not mine)

And Rosalie said “um no we’re not friends”

And Charlotte said “I understand”

And Rosalie says “Thank you for understanding ❤️❤️❤️”

Of course she sends *** heart emojis

It hurts so *** bad that she’s happy without me

I’ve been working to get over her but this was just like a huge stab in the heart

I love the friend group

Selena, Nora, Charlotte, Ava, Allison, Miryam, they’ll all be there

Without me

For Rosalie’s birthday party

Rosalie

Promised me so many things

And broke every one of them

And at this point

It's less of the grief about losing Rosalie

Because I'm getting over that

It's more of the fact that they'll all be there at Rosalie's house having fun without me

The people I love and care about most

The people I've missed so much all school year

It just hurts so bad and last night when I found out I went from feeling sad to feeling angry and it's just ughhh

I talked to Nora about it, I was on the phone with Charlotte when she texted Rosalie and Rosalie sent back those things and Charlotte told me about their text conversation and I was about to break down so I said I should go and she said okay talk to you later love you bye

I called Nora and told her what happened and I was trying not to cry and she said I'm so sorry you really don't deserve this I'm here for you and I asked her if she was going to the sleepover and she didn't answer for a bit and I said you can say yes and she said yes I am I'm sorry and I said it's fine you don't have to be sorry

And it's just hard because Nora is really close with Rosalie and they're like best friends and Nora is also really close with me and I don't mean to put her in the middle but I really needed her support

TW: everything. Just a compilation of my thoughts.

"The majority of abused or neglected children have difficulty developing a strong healthy attachment to a caregiver. Children who do not have healthy attachments have been shown to be more vulnerable to stress. They have trouble controlling and expressing emotions, and may react violently or inappropriately to situations. Our ability to develop healthy, supportive relationships with friends and significant others depends on our having first developed those kinds of relationships in our families. A child with a complex trauma history may have problems in romantic relationships, in friendships, and with authority figures, such as teachers or police officers." Well no forking shirt

Me: *goes to the national child traumatic stress network and researches complex post traumatic stress disorder* // The first thing the website says: Abuse and neglect lead to severe attachment issues // Me: wait really?? /sarcasm

TW sui, abuse // It's just that I was abused and neglected and I have very severe attachment issues that got so bad they have previously made me want to unalive and the first thing the national child traumatic stress network says about complex trauma is that it causes attachment issues and I'm like well no kidding

my mom was like "what trauma are you talking about"

HMMMM I have noooo clueee

I really don't know 😮 it's a headscratcher ;-; No forking clue

Omg I think I figured it out

It’s from that one tv show I watched as a kid even tho we didn't watch tv :3

Yep I have complex trauma and severe attachment issues from spongebob squarepants his pants should have been round instead /nsrs /s

No fr people joke about trauma like "haha I saw Axel's butt crack and now I'm traumatized" and I'm like bro no that's inconsiderate to people who have actual forking trauma who were systematically denied the opportunity to develop into a normal and functional person

Okay maybe not the most cups appropriate example to use but hey it could be worse

"Haha I accidentally ate a spicy chip instead of a normal one I'm traumatized" I know these are not good examples but I'm dissociated af and can't think of better ones

Oh my forking god I HATE it when people are like "haha imma have a panic attack" and I'm like no that's not how it works that is so disrespectful and inconsiderate to the people who have to deal with that awful stuff on the regular

‘I had a really traumatizing weekend' 'what happened are u okay' 'I stepped in dog crap'

Like uh hello let me show you some real trauma

Huge TW for CSA // Or on the other end of the spectrum I hate it when people are like "You weren't *insert triggering word that means SA'd* when you were like six or seven you don't have the right to say you have trauma that's not real trauma you're just being dramatic" I'm like what the fork are you talking about I have trauma I have real forking trauma okay

pstd isn't gonna be real til you've been in war. SA isn't real until you’ve been *trigger word* abuse isn't real unless it's physical.

ed isn't real if you eat sometimes, sh isn't real unless people see your scars. sewerslidal thoughts aren't real unless you’ve been hospitalized

I hate it so much.

I just had a realization. And it’s definitely not the most pleasant or comfortable one. I think I finally understand how Rosalie (my ex best friend) felt when she abandoned me. Not by imagining it, but by actually having lived it. Okay, let me explain. I have two friends who are often struggling and needing support. They are very very kind and sweet and supportive and they’re wonderful friends but it is tiring to support them so often and when their feelings are so intense. Their struggles are valid, and I feel bad that they’re going through what they are. It’s not fair and I want to be there for them. I want to support them. I just struggle with matching their energy. “I just struggle with matching your energy” is one of the things Rosalie said in December of last year. They send paragraphs of their difficulties and hurt feelings and stressors, and expect me to be able to support them. They’re always super grateful, which I appreciate. They tell me it means so much to them and it helps them a ton and that’s why I do it. I’ve just been feeling a bit tired lately. It’s a lot. I also am a caregiver for an age regressor. Age regression is when someone mentally reverts back to a younger age as a coping mechanism for trauma and mental illness. I offered to be her caregiver because she uses age regression to cope with her family issues and extreme fear of abandonment, which I can heavily relate to, which is why I thought I could help and decided to offer to be her caregiver. She messages me multiple times a day, sometimes upset and needing support, and her messages are oftentimes filled with the intense emotions she needs to express. I was kind of expecting this, but it’s tiring for me and takes up a considerable amount of my time. It is draining. I love her, and I love my other two friends, I love them so much and I want to help, but it’s exhausting to give more than short answers. Rosalie only gave short and emotionless answers in the months before she left me. I think I finally understand how she feels.

Another realization I had was that it was difficult to set boundaries with my friends (such as I need to take a break or I need space) because I know how badly that would affect them. As someone with an anxious attachment style, I understand how scary, stressful, hurtful, and sad it feels to hear "I need a break/some space". It makes me start obsessing over them, ruminating about what could go wrong, and fixating on my fear of abandonment. When Rosalie did tell me she needed space or a break, I would respect it, but I would also express my feelings of distress. Eventually, I think she realized she needed to end the friendship because it was too much for her. Even though she might not understand first-hand how terrifying distance can feel, less than a month before she ended the friendship I texted her completely devastated about how one of my attachment figures implied she needed space and was creeped out by my obsession. I texted her, writing paragraphs about how I had an anxiety attack and was sobbing and could not breathe. Even though her reply had a fair amount of care put into it, the day after that incident she texted me and said she needed space/a break. I was scared and distressed but respected her space. After a week she texted me back and said she was stressed out by how intense my response to that other attachment figure's words were. I think she realized that she was playing that role in my life and was no longer comfortable with it.

I’ve also been listening to this song and it makes me think that maybe this was how Rosalie felt when they left me. The middle verse not so much but the rest possibly.

I got a few red flowers

That you left on my coffee table

I forgot to give them water so

Now they're dead and I'm unstable

Think it's funny how

I never figured out

That all you needed

Was more of me

So the only thing i have now is

Dead flowers

And you not by my side

Cause I let it die

Let it die

Let it die

All these dead flowers

I can't bring back to life

Cause I let 'em die

Let 'em die

No I'm not fine

No I'm not fine

I didn't mean to keep you

Waiting when you didn't need to

Or treat you like you're see through

And now I know that I was wrong

All my mistakes

Turn into petals that fall on your grave

Your heart, it breaks

Now I'm going crazy

I killed all these daisies

I'm thinking of you and how you made me hate these

Dead flowers

And you not by my side

Cause I let it die

Let it die

Let it die

All these dead flowers

I can't bring back to life

Cause I let 'em die

Let 'em die

No I'm not fine

No I'm not fine

I think it's funny how

I finally figured out

The only way I'm getting over you

Is if I finally throw out these

Dead flowers

So you're not on my mind

I should let it die

Let it die

Let it die

Throw out these dead flowers

To bring me back to life

I'll let 'em die

Let 'em die

I'll be alright

I'll be alright

I'll be alright

I'll be alright

I'll be alright

@mariainfj

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry it took me so long to reply to this, I've been crazy busy but I promise I do care and that your support means the world, bestie! Yayyy, fellow Ava Max fan! I know right?! I was absolutely blown away. So so so happy. Best part of my summer and in fact my whole year. Aw yeah, that must be disappointing. I'm sure she'll tour Greece eventually, maybe you'll have to do some googling! Yes, he was so kind, I still can barely believe it to this day, two months later. That is very neat! I've heard of Arctic Monkeys! How did it go?

I missed you so much too bestie!! Aw, it means so much that you were thinking of me and wondering how I'm doing. Thank you so much for your support!! I appreciate it so much. You are an amazing friend. How have you been? I have not seen you in the chat rooms :( maybe we are just there at different times, but I hope you're doing alright! I know you've struggled a lot with being lonely which is an awful awful feeling but I just want you to know that I'm always here for you! Always always always. Love you bestie <3

@TabbyCat97 @JTheListener @Rubylistens22 @Comphi @LavenderHere @FaithfulZareia @AvyIsKing @VioletNotes @AnnaSilverberg @innateJoy9602 @PoliticallyCorrectGoose @amiableBunny4016 @mariainfj @DarkerPlaces

Loooking forward to seeing u In Rooms since I atl now